BHB 47

The sentences he spat out, as if crushing him, hit Yeowon hard. 

Faced with words pouring down like a disaster trying to drown her, Yeowon barely exhaled, his face pale. “I thought we could just pretend that day never happened and move on.”

“No. I clearly showed you. While cumming on your face.”

At these blatant words, Yeowon grabbed his head, feeling a headache coming on. The scene he had barely forgotten suddenly invaded his mind. The breathing from that time, the sticky air, even the fishy smell. That moment when every sense– sight, smell, touch– was intensely stimulating.

“I wasn’t trying to pretend it didn’t happen….” As he stammered in confusion, his thoughts wouldn’t organize. 

But Taegang’s gaze on him was resolute. He stared at him with the same consistent look as when he masturbated while looking down at him that day. 

Only then did Yeowon’s dazed mind slowly start to clear, as if doused with cold water, “Then what should we do?”

“…”

Yeowon swallowed his excitement with difficulty and spoke, enunciating each syllable, “What… what do you want me to do?”

It was true that he wanted to avoid it, but he hadn’t intentionally ignored it. He just couldn’t understand his actions and half-believed it was his malicious prank. A prank to win this drawn-out fight.

But it wasn’t. It was sincere, and he finally, personally felt that Taegang might really not return to how things were before. 

‘I see…’

Taegang has no intention of going back to how things were.

But the moment he appeared at the police station, the moment Yeowon saw Taegang prioritizing him, worrying about him, looking for him first, Yeowon realized it painfully. That he absolutely didn’t want to let Taegang drift away. That those things he had taken for granted were so necessary to him. That they were sweeter than he thought.

“Would it be enough if I let you do it once?” Yeowon continued speaking relatively calmly. 

Even as Yeowon spoke, his fingertips felt numb, so he clenched his fists tightly. He had his own stubbornness too. “Is that what you want?”

Yeowon could see Taegang’s frozen face. Even in the darkness, it felt clear. Moreover, Taegang’s noticeably trembling eyes were something he had never seen before. 

Seeing that, he realized his words had pierced through him. “If that would be enough….”

“…”

“Fine. Let’s do it once, with me.”

Yeowon finally accepted what he had persistently ignored. Yes, if he was going to pour out his feelings like that, as Youngjae said, it was just a matter of throwing away his pride once. If he gave it to guys he wasn’t even close with, yeah, what couldn’t he give to Taegang? It was just a matter of throwing away common sense and pride.

Even though he was offering what he wanted, Taegang let out a self-deprecating laugh, “You really….”

“Why? Isn’t that what you want?”

That trashy talk about wanting to rape him, the act of masturbating while looking at him, it all boiled down to one thing.

That he was sexually aroused by him. Which meant he wanted to sleep with him.

If that was true, he should be the one getting angry. He should feel wronged too. Taegang was the one who did wrong, but he kept getting angry at him instead. He was the one who had betrayed all the time they’d spent together.

But what could he do? He didn’t want to lose Taegang, even if it meant doing this. As a friend, as his family. Call it stubbornness or persistence, he couldn’t help it. If they both wanted to hold onto each other in different ways, the only option was to let herself be held in the way he wanted.

Their gazes, both unwilling to back down, clashed in mid-air. Veins bulge on Yeowon’s clenched fist and on Taegang’s neck as he gritted his teeth.

“But I have a condition,” Yeowon added after a moment of silence, “After we do it, we go back to how things were before.”

“…”

“As if nothing ever happened.”

“…”

“I’ll change the password back to what it was, and I’ll act like nothing happened, so you do the same.”

Yeowon swallowed the anger that suddenly welled up and continued the conversation as maturely as he could. He had made his proposal and even attached conditions, finishing his words neatly, but Taegang was still looking at him with his mouth shut. 

Yeowon couldn’t know exactly what he was thinking, but suddenly he felt like he would accept his advice. This must surely be the power that comes with time.

“Ha.”

“…”

“… Alright.”

Despite getting what he wanted, Taegang let out a complicated sigh and rubbed his face. Then, as he was intensely rubbing his eyes, he suddenly brightened up. 

In contrast to his tired sigh, Taegang slightly pulled up the corners of his mouth, “But I have a condition too.”

“… Say it.”

“Once isn’t enough.”

“What?”

“It doesn’t make sense to settle for just once.”

“Ha, you’re crazy.”

“The duration is until I get bored of you.”

“Are you insane?”

“Isn’t that how I’ll be able to see you like before? Only when I’m bored and have no lingering feelings will it be possible to live as if nothing happened, like before.”

‘It wasn’t wrong.’ 

Yeowon glared at Taegang with a face full of dissatisfaction, biting his lip fiercely. It was clearly a condition that put him at a disadvantage. But because it wasn’t wrong, he was tempted. The idea that Taegang needed to have no lingering feelings for him, to be bored of him, in order to go back to how things were before.

“Are you worried?”

“It feels like I’m getting totally screwed over.”

“You know. I get bored of things really easily.”

It was something Yeowon knew, and it should have been welcome news, but … why did it also make him feel bad?

Yeowon was dissatisfied with this entire proposal and how the situation was unfolding. But he couldn’t take it back. He didn’t want to go back on his word as a man. Since fighting didn’t work, and persuasion didn’t work, there was only one option left.

“Fine. I just hope you get bored quickly.”

“Try your best.”

“I will, you bastard.”

“I’ll decide the date.”

“Who said you get to decide?”

“You’ve never slept with a man before, right?”

“W–What?”

“You can’t sleep with me in that condition, so I’ll decide the date.”

“It’s not like I’m that badly hurt!”

“Do you think it’s possible? I’ll be stabbing inside that bruised stomach of yours with my dick.”

“… What the hell are you saying, you crazy bastard?!”

“I’m serious.” Taegang whispered softly, leaning forward to intimately rub the aching lower abdomen of Yeowon, who was sitting there dumbfounded, “When I thrust in, it’ll reach here.”

Yeowon opened his lips, his face pale.

“You know my size.”

“…”

“So there’s no way with that injured body.”

At that moment, when Taegang’s laughter without a hint of playfulness touched Yeowon’s ear, a deep realization hit him.

‘Ah, this isn’t something to take lightly.’

“When your body is fully healed, that’s it when we do it.”

‘This really isn’t a joke.’

“In the meantime, study up a bit. If you don’t want to get hurt.”

That the Taegang in front of him was more serious than ever before.

That fact came across frighteningly through Yeowon’s skin.

***

Was his excessively healthy body the problem? The wounds were healing remarkably fast, day by day. The blue bruise that had covered half his abdomen had suddenly shrunk to the size of a fist, and the bruise around his eye now only left faint blue traces. Being too young and healthy was the issue. Well, he was quite tall and had a body where muscle made up well over half his weight. Why would Taegang get aroused looking at such a healthy and sturdy physique?

Lately, this was all he could think about. Every train of thought led to ‘that act’ with Taegang. Simultaneously, he considered taking back his words hundreds of times, but always ended up hesitating, almost calling Taegang on his phone before stopping himself.

Since he had agreed to do it anyway, he decided to accept it cleanly. With that thought, he even looked up gay videos and gay porn. Unable to watch real-life videos, he even searched for illustrated comics and tried everything. The first time he watched a video, he barely held back from vomiting.

He had never even imagined sex between men before. The first time he saw such an act was when he accidentally encountered Taegang and Jeon Chaemin. Of course, even then, he was so shocked that he couldn’t properly process what he had seen.

Anyway, the point was that he had to insert Taegang’s thing, as thick as his forearm, into his behind. Clearly, Taegang’s erect dick was about half the size of his forearm, to put it mildly … he thought he might tear, but in the videos, Westerners seemed to insert and thrust so easily, as if it were nothing.

‘Is that part of a person actually more stretchy than one might think?’ 

Curious, he found herself unconsciously touching that area before being overwhelmed with self-loathing and drinking heavily.

It’s clearly insane. But wasn’t he the one who brought this madness upon himself? Unable to confide in anyone, he felt like he might go crazy. Sex? And with a man? And with a male friend? And with Taegang?

Suppressing the urge to vomit and pushing down his self-loathing, he learned a few things from his research. That the receiving partner can feel pleasure more than one might expect, and that sufficient preparation is needed to accept the organ. After diligently searching what this ‘preparation’ entailed, he found that several things were necessary.

The simplest was fingers. From what he gathered, fingers were the most manageable option, followed by dick-shaped toys sold on the internet or in adult stores. Since he had neither the intention nor the courage to buy toys, there was only one conclusion left.

Fingers.

If a date was set, on that day, Yeowon would have to insert his own fingers into ‘that place’ to ‘prepare’. 

As his thoughts reached this conclusion, Yeowon groaned, clutching his head. He buried his face in his pillow and screamed, even going so far as to punch the wall repeatedly.