BHB 69

“… I’m tired. Let’s do it tomorrow.”

Yeowon headed towards the bedroom, suppressing his rising irritation. But his body was immediately turned around. Lee Taegang’s specialty was his forceful display of strength, which Yeowon hated the most.

“I said I’m tired. Didn’t you hear?”

‘Is he possessed by a ghost who died from lack of sex?’ 

Yeowon roughly shook off the hand that had turned him around, showing his pent-up irritation. But the rejected hand came back, roughly pressing down on Yeowon’s shoulder. Under the pushing force, Yeowon had no choice but to step back.

“Ugh.”

His back hit the wall roughly as he was pushed. It was strong enough to possibly leave a bruise. Yeowon glared fiercely at his opponent in response to the merciless force, but there was still no light in the living room. He couldn’t see what kind of face Taegang was making.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

With the wall behind his back and Taegang like a wall in front of him, he was completely blocked. It was the moment when the alcohol-induced laughter completely disappeared. Even though he couldn’t see Taegang’s eyes, nose, mouth, or expression, a strange tension lingered.

“I’m tired, so let g— mmph.”

His mouth was covered in an instant. Before he could finish speaking, the dark face approached and devoured his lips. Both hands cupped his cheeks, preventing him from moving.

Yeowon struggled and kicked Taegang’s knee at the sudden kiss, but Taegang stubbornly held his position and kissed even deeper, as if in revenge. His snake-like tongue swam inside Yeowon’s mouth as if coiling. It rubbed and ground as if circulating the moist interior, gathering the other’s saliva and swallowing it. The force with which he sucked and swallowed urgently, as if it were some healthy food, was rough and merciless.

“Fuck… st-stop… ngh.”

It was like the kiss he had been subjected to for the first time at Taegang’s house. A surprise kiss that felt like being molested without knowing anything. Urgent and hasty, as if he would die if not now. Perhaps he was getting caught up in this kind of act, he suddenly thought. The idea that this impatient behavior, seemingly confusing the other person, might be unconsciously manipulating him.

“Ha…”

Lee Taegang, who had been panting without giving a chance to breathe, tormented Yeowon’s lips with his tongue and exhaled a deep breath. Intense sexual desire was conveyed in just that single breath. Despite the kiss lacking any manner or emotion, Yeowon’s strength gradually drained away, and his mouth opened familiarly without him realizing it.

As the struggling movements began to disappear, Taegang’s hands, which had been gripping Yeowon’s face, began busily undressing him. The all-too-familiar movements of his hands gave rise to a subtle discomfort. The point was the skilled hands. In this darkness where he couldn’t even tell who the other person was, Taegang very skillfully found zippers and undid buttons. The thought that countless people must have passed through those hands suddenly flashed intensely through Yeowon’s mind. And then the image of him having sex with Chaemin at school…

Slap.

And when his thoughts reached the secret conversation with Chaemin today, Yeowon unconsciously slapped Taegang’s hands away roughly.

At that moment, all movement stopped, and the combative kiss ended, leaving only the sound of labored breathing quietly echoing. Yeowon looked down at his half-undressed clothes and ran a hand over his face with a deep sigh.

“… I told you I was tired.”

Tired. He meant it sincerely. He hated overthinking, but today he had thought until his head felt like it would split. And now he was furious at Taegang for blindly pushing his body onto him. 

‘Because of whom am I…’

“What are you doing, holding onto someone who says no?”

“…”

“Are you really going to rape me like you said?”

It was natural that when he was reminded of the first time Taegang had kissed him, he also remembered the words Taegang had said then, as if striking his brain.

“… Do you think I’m your personal fuck toy just because I’ve been accommodating?”

He threw his half-removed clothes at Taegang’s face as if striking him and turned around, but his body was turned back again. The irresistible force continued to provoke his temper.

“Stop it already—!”

“What’s different?”

“…”

“You said you’d let me do it until I got bored.”

“…”

“You are my personal fuck toy, aren’t you?”

Before Lee Taegang could finish speaking, Yeowon grabbed his collar and turned his body around. This time, Taegang’s body slammed against the wall, and Yeowon pressed against him as if choking him.

“Do you think I’m a joke just because I let you do it a few times?”

“Of course not.”

“Cut the crap.”

“I’m not joking.”

“… Hey, Lee Taegang…” Yeowon put all his strength into his trembling lips. Lee Taegang’s casual words stung much more sharply than usual. Perhaps because it hadn’t been long since he acknowledged his own feelings.

“You’re the one who thinks I’m a joke.”

“What?”

“Let’s just get fucked by the guy who’s being a nuisance.”

Unexpected words flowed from between Lee Taegang’s dark face, pressed against the wall.

“Let’s just kill time by being a fuck buddy for the guy who want to have his way with me until he get sick of forcing himself on me.”

“…”

“That’s exactly what this is right now.” At these absurd words, Yeowon let out a dejected sigh. Unable to even laugh, his lips twitched stiffly.

“So that’s why you can casually go around flirting with the person I’ve been sleeping with.”

“…What?”

“You even get into fights to protect the person I’ve been fucking around with, and then drink together like nothing’s wrong. Right?”

Yeowon was speechless at this unreasonable response, and the hand gripping his collar loosened on its own. The saying that when something is too ridiculous, words fail you – this moment was exactly that. It was frustrating that it was still the dark hours of dawn. He wanted to show his wronged expression.

“…No, who’s supposed to be angry right now…”

This was the height of hypocrisy. Even if they weren’t dating, who was it that couldn’t cut ties with Jeon Chaemin whilef ucking around with him? Who has the right to be angry at whom?

“Your indifference makes me crazy.”

For a moment, it overlapped with Baek Seungha’s words, ‘It makes people anxious.’

Yeowon froze as if he’d been hit. No words of rebuttal came to mind. At that moment, Lee Taegang, freed from all restraints, brushed past him. The black bulk instantly turned cold as it passed by him and moved away. Soon, the mechanical sound was heard, and the front door opened without hesitation. It closed coldly.

Yeowon stood trapped in an unidentifiable blackout curtain. It felt like being trapped in a pitch-black darkness where no substance or truth could be known.

‘Why?

Why does he look hurt when it’s actually me who’s had this sudden realization?’ 

No matter how much he thought about it, there was no answer. Yeowon couldn’t know the answer because this entire situation was a first for him.

**

Yeowon ended up staying awake all night. It was the first time he had spent the night deep in thought.

His life motto had been ‘I hate anything bothersome.’ He hated complicated things, because when thoughts multiplied, negative emotions tended to deepen. Loneliness was the same. The more he thought about his mother, the lonelier he felt, and the more he missed his father, the lonelier he became. When thoughts increased, they led to idle thoughts, and idle thoughts ate away at him.

It was exactly like that now. But he couldn’t stop. He had been perplexed when Baek Seungha had shared his impressions of him, but Lee Taegang’s comments about him were beyond perplexing – they were incomprehensible. He had never been indifferent to Lee Taegang. If Kim Myeongjoo or Do Yeongjae had said such things, he would have accepted it. He admitted that he liked friends and friendliness but had no lingering attachments to people. But with Lee Taegang… no. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have accepted his proposal to have sex in the first place.

And Yeowon couldn’t understand at all why he felt that indifference because of Jeon Chaemin, which made him couldn’t sleep. Despite the fatigue washing over him like a tide, his mind was wide awake.

As soon as the sun rose, Yeowon took a cold shower and headed to Lee Taegang’s house without even drying his hair. He pressed in the door lock code faster than he would for his own place and flung the door open, but the house was quiet.

He had a mountain of questions. 

Why he had visited his family home yesterday, what his relationship with Jeon Chaemin was. And what the meaning of his words from yesterday was. It felt unfair to have his affection for Lee Taegang denied. In his life, the only person more meaningful than family was Lee Taegang, him alone.

No matter how much Yeowon searched the house, Taegang was nowhere to be seen. At the signs of his disappearance again, Yeowon took out his phone to call him, but his finger stopped mid-action. His hand had moved before his mind. He felt pathetic, like a husband with morbid jealousy searching for his runaway wife. Since yesterday, this possession by a jealous husband had been coming periodically.

At that moment, the phone in his hand vibrated as if on cue. 

Yeowon quickly checked who it was with a startled face. But deep disappointment soon settled on his face. “…Oh, what is it?”

— What do you mean, what! You know we’re going on the MT today, right?

Yeowon let out a short sigh of “Ah,” and answered halfheartedly, “Yeah.”

He wasn’t in the mood at all, but he wanted to stop letting Lee Taegang dictate his life, which had been going on for the past few months.

— Come to the front of the student union building before lunchtime. Oh, are you coming in Lee Taegang’s car by any chance?

That was even less likely given the current atmosphere.

“…No.”

— Oh really? That’s good. All our kids are in the advance party.

At the reminder not to be late, Yeowon replied with a brief “Yeah” and flopped down on Lee Taegang’s bed. 

With sunken eyes, he stared at the blank black screen. He felt newly aware of himself, unable to even call him.

‘What is this strange emotion that I can’t even call a friend? Damn it.’

Yeowon closed his eyes with a deep sigh. He cut off his thoughts before an unfamiliar sorrow could take over. Before contemplation could turn into idle thoughts.