GB 58

Adopting Haero doesn’t make them a real family. He just had a strong conviction that this wasn’t the right way.

“I’ll make sure Haero doesn’t cause any more trouble. Thank you for letting me know in advance.”

―Is this choice for you or for Haero?

“The choice I’m making is for him.”

With this firm answer, Yoon Sang-won, who had tightly pressed his lips, spoke in a hoarse voice.

―You’re an inescapable soldier after all.

“Did you just realize that now?” Yoon Sang-won smiled bitterly. Then he abruptly ended the connection.

His recent increase in smoking led him to furrow his brow deeply while sharpening pencils instead of holding a cigarette. Only after sharpening two dozen pencils prepared for drawing sea charts did he get up and contact Haero’s school.

Why can’t he make a rational decision when his mind is getting infinitely colder and sinking deeper?

At some point, he became unable to know what choice was truly best for you. This wasn’t from the night you became an adult.

‘The only certainty is that what I say will hurt you.’

“I’ve looked over the cadet’s evaluation.”

What Yoon Moo-hwa was looking at were Haero’s evaluation documents.

The Haero in those documents wasn’t as affectionate or cheerful as he was with him.

“While his theoretical grades are good, his cooperation with peers is very poor, and his relationships with classmates can be described as bad. On a ship, everyone must simultaneously perform at least three roles and move like parts of a machine for all to survive.”

Haero’s lips quivered. They seemed about to burst, having been bitten so much in an effort to endure in front of Yoon Moo-hwa giving orders.

“If it were me.”

‘If it were me, Haero.’

“I wouldn’t let the cadet on my ship.”

‘I won’t board a ship with you where weapons are everywhere, where we could engage in combat at any time, where we must rush to the front lines when a battle breaks out.’

The omitted words only swirled inside Yoon Moo-hwa.

For Haero, who only received a fragment of rejection… It was the limit. Tears that he had barely been holding back suddenly began to well up in his eyes.

“Are you saying I’m not qualified?” Haero asked, choking up, “Is that it?”

In both mock battles and simulated combat, Haero’s scores were far superior to his peers.

Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t want Haero to become someone who wouldn’t hesitate to shoot others in order to board a ship with him.

“We’ve managed to meet until now, haven’t we?”

Haero looked resentfully at Yoon Moo-hwa, who uttered those words pretending to be kind but in reality neither kind nor considerate of Haero, and then stood up as if to end the conversation.

It was too one-sided.

Just as Haero’s feelings were one-sided, so was Yoon Moo-hwa.

“No. That’s not it, I…” Haero finally trailed off, his face contorting.

“If you don’t choose for yourself, you’ll face suspension procedures. The fight was that serious. Suspension is as dishonorable as expulsion. I…” Yoon Moo-hwa’s chest swelled and deflated after a brief pause. He remained calm and composed, “Before protecting my honor, protect your own.”

“……”

“That’s the advice I can give you.”

Yoon Moo-hwa put on his cap. He adjusted the brim, pressed it down properly, and slowly took a step.

With each sound of his footsteps, Haero’s heart crumbled. The unwavering stride and perfectly aligned steps left him dumbfounded.

Haero called out to Yoon Moo-hwa’s back as he passed by, “Then can’t I just admire you instead!”

If it were that simple, it would have been easier. By now, Haero knew well. Even just liking someone could be grounds for blame.

“I’ll just admire you. That’s okay, right?”

“……”

Yoon Moo-hwa, who had paused briefly, resumed walking forward. Haero’s body turned abruptly. His only thought was to stop him from reaching the door.

“I can hide that I like you, can’t I? Isn’t that enough?”

Yoon Moo-hwa finally turned around at Haero’s tear-filled cry. He looked at Haero with dry eyes while gripping the doorknob.

“Can that be hidden?”

“Huh…?”

Yoon Moo-hwa, seeming lost in thought while holding the doorknob, lowered his head.

“It can’t be hidden.” His fingertips slowly tapped the doorknob. “You won’t be able to hide it.”

His eyes were deeply sunken. Haero thought it was probably because he was angry.

“It’s not something that can be hidden just by suppressing it.”

Without accepting Haero’s feelings or answering him, Yoon Moo-hwa turned and opened the door. 

Haero, with his face drenched in tears, spoke regardless of the wide-open door or the people gathered beyond it, “It’s all your way, from start to finish! Just because you took me away doesn’t mean you have all rights over me! If I’d known it would be like this, I wouldn’t have followed you then. If I’d known it would turn out like this, I’d rather have become a pirate and met you. No, I might still become one!”

Then he might have been closer to him. Even if it wasn’t sincere, Haero spat those words out.

No, perhaps in this moment, he was sincere.

The people outside the door were school officials.

He vaguely knew that his words would become a decisive flaw, that they would have a tremendous impact on his evaluation as a naval officer, but it didn’t matter. After all, other people’s evaluations were useless if Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t acknowledge him.

Yoon Moo-hwa turned back, leaving the stiffened people behind, and looked at Haero with unreadable eyes. He seemed surprised, angry, and disappointed. Whichever it was, it was the worst.

But could it be worse than this?

―You’re an inescapable soldier after all.

Yoon Moo-hwa recalled Yoon Sang-won’s self-deprecating reproach.

If that meant being stubbornly selfish, self-centered, and coercive, then yes.

“You’re right. Maybe it would have been better if I hadn’t brought you along then.” Yoon Moo-hwa’s voice was very low. His words seemed torn, as if spoken through gritted teeth.

‘Is it my wish to hear it that way?

Wickedly, I hoped he would be hurt by me, be shaken even a little. But in reality, the only one hurt and shaken was probably myself.’

Haero roughly rubbed his face.

When was “then”? On the island? Or in front of the shelter?

He didn’t ask further. His whole body felt frozen. As if he had fallen into a very cold winter sea. As if he had fallen into a sea that grows cold alone even after winter has passed.

Haero felt the vanished season with his entire body.

Even after Yoon Moo-hwa had completely disappeared, Haero stared endlessly at one spot as if he were still there.

Even as officials came in to take him away, and later as demerits were issued and suspension was discussed, Haero felt as if it all was happening to someone else.

His arm didn’t hurt.

The pain was elsewhere.

For Haero’s safety, wishing he wouldn’t be hurt, Yoon Moo-hwa had completely wounded Haero and abandoned him entirely.

“There are more than just one or two people here who heard the cadet’s statement about ‘rather becoming a pirate.’ Can the cadet take responsibility for those words?”

They’re giving him a chance because they know it wasn’t sincere.

Haero slowly raised his head.

Haero, who had been consistently silent until now, faced them.

His shoulder throbbed. Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t care whether he was Number 8 or from a pirate island.

“Things like tattoos don’t define you. If you don’t want to erase them, you don’t have to. The fact that you’re Haero doesn’t change. Just like the fact that you risked danger to save me doesn’t change.”

“If it were me, I wouldn’t let the cadet on my ship.”

All these words came from one person’s mouth. So, Yoon Moo-hwa had judged Haero, himself, as a person to be unsuitable.

Selfish safety. The adult Yoon Moo-hwa he met is selfish. 

‘He reshapes my world in his own way. That’s okay, as long as you remain in my world without changing.

But children are meant to grow up, aren’t they, hyung?

If that’s the case, I’ll act in my own way too.’

“Even if it was just for a moment, my statement then was sincere.”

If that had been the easier path, if that had been even a slightly closer way, he really would have done it.

* * *

“That crazy bastard.” Seon Ikhyeon criticized him sternly.

Even for someone who had retired, it was a statement that completely shattered the line he had maintained until now.

Knowing this, Seon Ikhyeon still couldn’t hold back. It must be because he had been watching Haero all this time. To Seon Ikhyeon, Haero was like a younger brother. In a very different way from Yoon Moo-hwa, Haero was special to him.

No, had Haero ever been special to Yoon Moo-hwa? If he was special, how could he treat him like that?

For Seon Ikhyeon, it was an incomprehensible attitude. Too cruel and cold. Just like that day he had thought about long ago, not a bit different.

“How did that kid even get admitted?” Seon Ikhyeon’s fist on the table trembled.

“I was against it from the start.” Yoon Moo-hwa mumbled, putting another cigarette in his mouth. He was sitting improperly, almost lying in the chair, with his hands in his pockets.

He, who usually only smoked one or two cigarettes occasionally, was now on his fourth since meeting Seon Ikhyeon. Seon Ikhyeon didn’t notice this. He was too angry.

“Whether you were against it or not, it’s not your right to decide that, Colonel.”

“Is that so? I thought I had rights over Haero.”

Having heard a brief account from the former major, Seon Ikhyeon laughed loudly. It was an exaggerated laugh, like that of a stage actor. He wanted to reproach the Yoon Moo-hwa in front of him, even if it meant doing so.

“You can’t accept the kid’s feelings but you have rights over him? Isn’t that just being a pervert? It’d be much better if you stopped taking out your control issues on some kid and just exited the stage. From what I can see, it’s not Haero who needs to submit a withdrawal form, it’s you, Colonel.” Seon Ikhyeon’s criticism became increasingly blatant.

Yoon Moo-hwa, who had already emptied several bottles of alcohol, kept laughing senselessly. He had no idea how annoying it was every time he chuckled. Seon Ikhyeon, truly empathizing with Haero’s feelings, wanted to punch this man. 

Yoon Moo-hwa, swaying his head, murmured slowly, “Right now, most of the officials related to the naval academy, including those in the National Assembly, are composed of members with a very high hostility towards pirates. Even for those who were briefly involved as children or escaped and naturalized, the majority opinion is that they shouldn’t be given positions with access to confidential information. In such a situation, what good will it do for Haero to stay there?”

It was rare for Yoon Moo-hwa to speak at such length. Especially to someone other than Haero.

Seon Ikhyeon felt his fist, which had risen to his waist out of a desire to really hit Yoon Moo-hwa, twitch.

“Should I let him hear, just before graduation, that he needs to do two or three times better than others to get on a warship?”

“… Couldn’t you just explain it to him like that?”

As he mumbled in a slightly deflated voice, Yoon Moo-hwa drank alcohol instead of shaking his head.

It wasn’t something that could be resolved like that. Because that wasn’t the only reason. Of course, even this is an excuse. But there was no need to disclose that to others, including Seon Ikhyeon.

“That kid really liked you, you know. He admired you, respected you, looked up to you, and…”

At the trailing end of his hesitant words, Yoon Moo-hwa sneered, “Ah… right. That’s what people in relationships do, isn’t it? Sharing trivial stories and insignificant matters. So, you want me to accept Haero’s feelings and be like you and the former major?”

“Don’t mock me.”

“Today we killed many pirates, captured many, lost a subordinate while clearing the sea. I could tell him in all sorts of cruel ways that wartime isn’t just about the romance of being on the same ship. Should I do that?”