GB 77

There was a scent of pencils.

“Where did you leave your companion to be wandering around here like this?” Yoon Moo-hwa pulled Haero to a less crowded area on the outskirts of the crowd.

Haero, still dazed, could only watch Yoon Moo-hwa as he was being led away.

Only after reaching a spot far from the festival’s center but still able to enjoy the atmosphere did Yoon Moo-hwa release the hand he had been gripping tightly.

“The one separating me from my companion is you, Captain.”

“Is that so? Then go back.”

His indifferent words that scratched at Haero’s nerves made him snap.

“Why do you always talk like that? You bring me here and then tell me to go back, how absurd can you be?”

“I’m not in my right mind enough to show that kind of consideration to a lieutenant right now.”

“Are you seasick on land or something?”

“Maybe. I can’t seem to think straight when I’m on land.”

The conversation continued strangely, as if nothing had really happened, just as Yoon Moo-hwa had said.

Yoon Moo-hwa tilted his head. After looking at Haero’s face, he tapped his own lips. “It’s still a bit blue.”

“Yes. It’s like this even though I only had one bite. How come you… seem fine, Captain?”

At that, Yoon Moo-hwa stuck out his tongue. It was bright blue. Haero, who had been trying to act mature, reflexively let out a chuckle. Yoon Moo-hwa’s eyes, which had been cool all along, blinked once and became languid.

“Now you’re laughing a bit.”

“……”

“If you keep frowning, you’ll get wrinkles between your eyebrows.”

“… I think that’s something you should worry about more than me, Captain.”

“I’ve been thinking a bit.”

“What about?”

“……”

Yoon Moo-hwa always closed his mouth when he was at a disadvantage. At times like these, Haero couldn’t help but imagine tying him up in a dark place and interrogating him. He didn’t want to let him go until he got the answer he wanted. Perhaps the most suitable place for him would be a cave on a deserted island.

“I want to go…”

But he couldn’t do that. Haero’s tone instantly softened.

“Don’t go.”

The one who grabbed Haero’s wrist as he turned away dejectedly was the enigmatic Yoon Moo-hwa, who smelled of pencils and whose true intentions were as unclear as that distinct scent was clear.

“Stay a little longer.”

“… I really can’t understand what you want these days, Captain. Honestly, it seems like you don’t know yourself either.”

“I know what I want.”

“Then I guess you’re pondering something else.” Haero said curtly, “Then ponder it alone.”

“I know what I want, but I’m not sure how far I should go, that’s why.” Yoon Moo-hwa said calmly. 

Around them, English with a thick Australian accent was being thrown about. Yoon Moo-hwa and Haero were speaking in their native language, not the common language, so few people would be able to understand them, probably.

Haero felt like he could be a bit more honest due to this welcome sense of isolation. Or maybe it was because of this atmosphere.

“So stay a little longer.”

“… I don’t know what you’re pondering, but I’m not sure if I’m necessary for that answer. If you know what you want, why don’t you just do as you please? Isn’t that how you usually are?”

Yoon Moo-hwa looked up at the sky while still holding Haero’s wrist, then lowered his gaze back to him.

After staying still for a moment, he fiddled with his eye patch. And after a silence that felt like eternity, he spoke, “You’re right.”

There’s no way to hide the gradually quickening heartbeat from Yoon Moo-hwa who’s holding his wrist. Lies won’t work. Neither will bravado. Haero thought it was only fair that he should feel Yoon Moo-hwa’s heartbeat too. He grasped Yoon Moo-hwa’s wrist with his other hand. Yoon Moo-hwa remained still.

“That’s the kind of guy I am. I’m glad you know that.”

“Glad? Glad?! I didn’t want to know! I didn’t want to know until the end that you’re someone who just does whatever he wants!” Haero felt like his head was about to explode from anger. He wanted to thrash about with his reddened face, but he couldn’t draw attention. His chest felt like it was going to burst.

“What do you want? Is it to get rid of me? You want me off the ship, right? Do as you please. It won’t be easy though.” Haero was provoking him. Like approaching an enemy ship that had issued a no-approach warning, disregarding threats of forceful search or even armed conflict if approached further.

“Are you still… still confused whether to treat me as the little brother you raised specially or as Haero? Should I help you? It’s simple. Just check.” Haero moved closer to Yoon Moo-hwa and raised his head. Then he licked his lips where the blue coloring still remained. “You’ll know if you kiss me. If you kiss me, you’ll know.”

At that, Yoon Moo-hwa smiled as if frowning.

“Then there’s no need. For confirmation.”

When his provocation didn’t work, Haero frowned. He can’t back down now. He’s already approached a dangerous level.

“Why? Is that not enough? Then do you want to sleep with me? This time, you can be the one to pounce on me.”

“Don’t say such things.”

“Then let’s sleep together. With mutual consent.”

‘It’s always me who’s impatient. You’re always so calm. Even in that moment when we were thrown into the heart of enemy territory with the ship breached. You knew everything even then. Hiding from me, pretending to be unfortunately captured.’

Haero’s face was a mix of desperation and resignation. Watching that complex expression, Yoon Moo-hwa felt the effects of the training he had received. Patience was an ability he had honed over a long time.

“When we sleep together, it will be too late…” Yoon Moo-hwa whispered softly, “When we end up sleeping together, it will already be too late, Haero.”

“What will be too late? It’s not too late. Rather, it would be the beginning.”

“No. It was already over by then.” Yoon Moo-hwa moved his hand towards Haero’s face, hesitated, and withdrew it, “It’s irreversible at that point.”

“What’s irreversible? I’ve already spent my whole life looking only at you, and another 4 years to get here. Why should I be afraid now?”

“No. You should be afraid.” Yoon Moo-hwa said firmly, “You should be afraid that it might be a longing born from not being able to have it, and afraid that you might get bored and tired of it once you do have it.”

“What…”

“Be afraid, Haero… that your feelings might change and it could be too late to turn back.”

Haero found Yoon Moo-hwa’s smile infuriating. He knows. That Yoon Moo-hwa is quite a bit older than him. And that there are many times when he can’t understand what he’s saying because of it.

“Haero, I can get hurt too. Even I’m surprised that I’m still patient enough to give you more time, so be careful.” Yoon Moo-hwa’s pulse remained steady. 

Nothing had changed. It seemed only Haero’s heart was racing like this. Haero was exhausted. Tomorrow, or even just tonight, he would long for Yoon Moo-hwa again, but right now he wanted to rest. 

Haero shook off Yoon Moo-hwa’s hand and turned away. “I don’t understand what you’re saying at all. I… I don’t understand you. You don’t even want to try to make me understand…?”

Haero muttered and headed back to the center of the festival. Perhaps he wasn’t what Yoon Moo-hwa needed right now. Saying they should be together was just an excuse; he would surely decide on his own.

‘You can get hurt too? By what? What are you afraid of?’

Ah. Right. Yoon Moo-hwa did seem afraid of something just now. But why? Is this also just his imagination? The imagination of ‘Haero, Yoon Moo-hwa’s innocent little brother who knows nothing’?

Haero walked briskly, seething. He could feel Yoon Moo-hwa following him. Although he felt pathetic for being so pleased just by that fact, he wished Yoon Moo-hwa would chase after him like this forever.

But both space and festivals eventually end. He should have just forgotten everything and hung out with So unpa’s faction from the start. Ah, is this what they call playing the field? The wall of people started to thicken. As Haero tried to push through here and there, excited and drunk people would grab his hands or suddenly throw an arm around his shoulders. His hair got messy and he was out of breath. He wasn’t even sure where he was anymore.

He felt lost. He was so dizzy he thought he might collapse. Haero instinctively looked back. Like a lost child searching for their parents, he looked for Yoon Moo-hwa with his eyes.

Even in this complex crowd, he could find Yoon Moo-hwa at once. He too was following the exact path Haero had taken. Then someone spilled a punch on his clothes.

The apologetic voice was drowned out by the loud music and cheers. Yoon Moo-hwa clicked his tongue softly and took off his jacket, rolling up the stained sleeve a little.

What caught Haero’s eye then was the long fingernail mark on his forearm. There was even a reddish hand-shaped mark, as if something had gripped him tightly.

‘Who did you sleep with in the meantime!’