BHB 99

The sudden question hit him like a blow to the back of his head. Frozen as if ambushed, Yeowon couldn’t move at all. 

But Lee Taegang continued calmly, “That’s why you bought a car, ignored all my calls, and drank yourself senseless. Right now.”

“…”

“And even making up lies about having someone who doesn’t exist.”

Lee Taegang’s eyes were still the night that hasn’t cleared. They were deep, dark, and empty. Rather than angry, he seemed even more submerged in emotion.

Unable to meet that gaze, Yeowon avoided it, blinking in confusion and awkwardly rubbing his forehead.

“What, did you think I’d be happy about it?”

Did he think that just because they’d slept together a few times, he would lose his mind over Lee Taegang like all those guys he had played with before? Being placed on the same level as them was absurd. It didn’t make sense from the beginning.

“Hey, Taegang.”

“…”

“Get your head straight.”

Yeowon felt indignant again.

“You’re confused. You’re just infatuated because we had sex a few times.”

Just like he had been. The guy was surely the same.

“Or maybe it’s because we’ve been… stuck together for too long.”

Yeowon’s voice, sharp at first, sank into a complicated tone. This situation was pure chaos. It was overwhelming to accept. The habit that emerged whenever he was flustered appeared again.

“They say when you’re too close, you get confused. You feel jealous and stuff… What you did to Seungha hyung was probably because you were jealous of how close we were… something like that.”

Finding his own rambling words pathetic, Yeowon frowned and clicked his tongue. But his thoughts hadn’t changed.

“Still, you know you were wrong, right? With such childish thoughts—”

“If I hadn’t done that…” Lee Taegang, who had been quietly listening to his nonsensical words, suddenly cut him off. 

Yeowon unconsciously swallowed dry saliva and looked at the guy without thinking. Dawn, and the car interior without any noise. The guy’s deep voice swallowed up his own voice that had sounded like noise.

“You liked that bastard.” Lee Taegang spat out a fact that even he didn’t know. 

At the unexpected statement, the car was again filled with silence. Yeowon couldn’t respond playfully, couldn’t get angry, and was frozen as if he had heard something absurd.

“What are you—”

“I hated seeing that more than anything.”

“…”

“If I can’t have you. No one can have you.”

Yeowon’s face became stupid again, as if he had been hit once more. It felt like being pounded repeatedly with a heavy stone.

“No one can.”

“…”

“Even if it’s not me, no one else can.” Lee Taegang confessed once more, as if giving up. “That’s how much I like you.”

“…”

“Han Yeowon.”

It was a confession that was far from ordinary—it was insane.

It was Lee Taegang who left first, leaving him frozen. During that time, Yeowon couldn’t say a single word. He couldn’t deny it as he had done earlier by saying it wasn’t possible, nor could he get angry by saying it was nonsense. Even as he watched Lee Taegang leave and disappear, he couldn’t say anything. He was frozen as if he had forgotten to breathe.

After returning home, he just sat blankly for a while. The things he had suspected, wondered “maybe, perhaps” about, now approached with clarity. Lee Taegang had reimprinted what he had been avoiding and pretending not to know even with his eyes open. As if laughing at him who had been avoiding and doing other things. But what was more striking than those words saying the guy liked him was his voice, more subdued than ever, and his deeply lowered eyes. The guy who spat out those words of affection so self-deprecatingly kept flashing in his mind, making his heart ache. It was an action with no expectation at all, as if he already knew the outcome. 

‘What kind of bastard confesses like that? Stupid bastard.’

In the midst of this, he exhaled a world-shattering sigh as he realized he was feeling upset about Lee Taegang. He didn’t know. Until just recently, he had been troubled about whether he liked Lee Taegang or not, but now that the guy had come out like that, his feelings only became more complicated. The thought that all this time the guy had been looking at him with a different perspective, and that he had been doing unnecessary things behind his back, made him feel betrayed. But then seeing him so calm like that made him concerned. And yet, the words and actions the guy uttered seemed so casual that it annoyed him.

If it were him, he wouldn’t have done that. If it were him, he probably… would never have said anything. Yeowon wouldn’t ruin their relationship over that one emotion of liking someone. That’s why he denied it more, and had to deny it. Because they’re bound together more deeply and tightly than such emotions.

Yeowon sat blankly, defining things by himself and swallowing his resentment alone. But the current situation felt like it had shattered his entire being.

They say blood is thicker than water, but that didn’t apply to him and Lee Taegang. He and the guy were different. They were meant to live more deeply connected than blood relations for their entire lives. But now…

“Get it together, Han Yeowon.”

Yeowon slapped his cheek and abandoned the thoughts that were sinking into a quagmire. There was no way he could sleep anyway. When he closed his eyes, he could see that face confessing as if giving up, and when he opened his eyes, he could hear that self-deprecating confession again. Feeling like he was going crazy, Yeowon jumped up and gulped down some bottled water. Even after drinking an entire bottle, the dazed feeling persisted, so he went into the bathroom like entering a battlefield and took a cold shower. He stayed under the coldest water for over 30 minutes, but the suffocating feeling wouldn’t go away, so he even punched his innocent solar plexus. Those confessions that kept coming to mind tightened his chest and broke his pulse.

After showering for a long time, Yeowon came out and immediately threw his messy clothes into the washing machine. Living so chaotically had left his house in a mess. He hadn’t called his housekeeper for a while, but thinking he should contact him today, he roughly cleaned up just a few irritating things and roughly dried his wet hair with a towel. Then, still naked, he checked his phone which was about to die. After checking the time and reading a few pending messages, he placed the phone on the charger as if throwing it.

Looking at his appearance in the mirror after washing, he recalled the resolution he had been contemplating throughout his shower. Yes, there’s nothing in this world that can be avoided anyway. Especially if it concerns Lee Taegang. He had been acting too foolishly and carelessly, unlike himself. If Lee Taegang’s feelings were like that, he needed to have a proper conversation first. He couldn’t leave it like this or grow distant.

He had even offered his body to avoid losing the guy, so he couldn’t let him go so futilely again. Yes, he needed to persuade him properly. What was more important, and what took priority in their relationship. Given the time they had spent together, couldn’t he back down that much? Even though Lee Taegang had a bad temper, whenever there was a conflict, he always pretended not to care but was the first to step back. Only Lee Taegang. It was only Lee Taegang.

To straighten out his busy mind, he chose to go about his normal daily routine. Checking the date, he realized he hadn’t gone to class for several days. Although he lived as he pleased, he didn’t skip classes like eating meals because he thought he should at least graduate. But these days, he wasn’t sure. He had no attachment to school, thinking it didn’t matter if he didn’t graduate. However, going to school now was one of the few normal routines he could engage in.

Wearing comfortable sweatpants and pressing down a cap, Yeowon picked up the car keys rolling on the dining table and left the house. He unconsciously looked at Lee Taegang’s front door, but fortunately, there was no movement. He couldn’t tell whether he was inside or had gone out, but it was fortunate not to run into him right now. In his current state, if he faced the guy, he felt he would be as mute as if he had eaten honey.

As the yellow foreign car, not commonly seen at school, entered the parking lot with a loud engine noise, all the attention of students entering the department building was focused on it. He disliked ordinary cars. He wanted something more flashy than Lee Taegang’s, something eye-catching. It was completely childish spite, but he had no intention of reflecting on himself. What did it matter if it was spite? The one who had made him like this was none other than Lee Taegang. It was all Lee Taegang’s fault.

The school, which he hadn’t attended for a few days, looked busy with festival preparations. Chairs and banners were awkwardly scattered in front of the department building, and if the theme this week was food, there were several boxes of ingredients piled outside. Yeowon remembered that when he was a freshman, he had created a game booth and made a mess with drinking bets with the kids.

As he entered the building, his eyes met with several students, but instead of greeting him lightly as usual, they slyly avoided eye contact. After encountering several overtly avoiding gazes, Yeowon finally recalled what Do Youngjae had worriedly called about earlier. The incident he had caused in anger recently had apparently led to a very bad reputation within the school, and as soon as he entered the classroom, a subtle silence prevailed. Students who had been talking loudly glanced at him and whispered.

Whether rumors had spread worse than expected or not, various emotions could be glimpsed in those glancing gazes. Curiosity, contempt, disillusionment, or interest, and so on. Such attention wasn’t unfamiliar, but now it was a bit tiring. Come to think of it, would a lawsuit be coming soon? If it was going to be like this, he should have broken an arm or leg as Baek Seungha had said.

“Sunbae, did you buy a car?”

The only one who approached him first was Lim Yoona.

“Yeah. Did you see it?”

“I stopped by the school store briefly, and all the juniors gathered there were talking about your car.”

“Really? Why? Did they say it’s really cool?”

“They said it reeks of pretentiousness.”

“Shit. Which bastard said that?” Yeowon responded casually as usual. 

But while they were having a casual conversation, the surroundings were still busy glancing at him. Lim Yoona, seemingly aware of the current situation, shook her head with a troubled expression and suddenly changed the topic of conversation.

“The rumors have really spread.”

“What rumors?”

“That you’re a gangster and a hooligan.”

“We fought one-on-one, and they called me a gangster and a hooligan?”

“The school community is full of that talk.”

“Well, I guess other people’s fights are the most entertaining.”

“They’re even saying that you were stabbed before because you’re a gangster.”

“Ah, fuck. That’s going too far.” Yeowon, who had been calmly picking his ear, grimaced. 

It was close to a joke, but he noticed the surrounding students flinch at his curse. Wondering why they were so concerned, Yeowon indifferently scratched his temple. As soon as the professor entered, the unsettled classroom atmosphere subsided into silence. As soon as the professor entered, Lim Yoona turned away like a stranger and immediately focused on the class. Feeling that her behavior was quite remarkable, Yeowon lazily propped his chin and looked out the window.

Daily life flowed like water, but his daily life was now different from before. Because of Lee Taegang’s absurd confession.

Yeowon unconsciously fiddled with his phone. He needed to contact him, to say they should talk face to face, but his hand wouldn’t move easily. After thinking about calling, he thought it might be better to leave a message, but even after gathering his resolve, he kept hesitating. To think that such a simple contact would be so difficult. It was painful. The discomfort between him and Lee Taegang. And this continuing strange churning feeling kept suppressing Yeowon.

The car in the dawn. That air, that smell. And Lee Taegang within it was endlessly tormenting him. Like Lee Taegang’s curse. It bound him and wouldn’t let go. It was nothing short of a disaster.