LM 106

Woo Taeju, whose cheeks were flushed from drinking, clung to Kwon Siyul with a wide grin on his face.

“Hyung, why are you drinking alone after coming all this way? Ah, your glass is empty. Let me pour some more for you.”

“No, it’s okay. I’ve had enough.”

“Come on, just one more. How about it?”

Though Kwon Siyul wanted to avoid it, Woo Taeju pulled him close as if to protect him even among familiar faces and picked up the bottle to pour him more alcohol. No matter how much Kwon Siyul twisted his body around, Woo Taeju’s grip on his shoulder wouldn’t loosen, his drunken strength seemingly increasing. The pressure on Kwon Siyul’s arm was becoming painful.

“Please, let go a little…”

Trying not to ruin the mood, Kwon Siyul forced out a smile and began to speak. But before he could finish, the door burst open with a loud bang. Kwon Siyul’s eyes widened at the familiar scent that wafted in.

Am I dreaming? Woo Hyunse strode in, his eyes fixed on Kwon Siyul before darting to Woo Taeju, who was trying to stand up next to him.

Instinctively, Kwon Siyul covered his nose, even though he knew it wasn’t a scent he could physically smell. In an instant, Woo Hyunse approached, grabbed the back of Woo Taeju’s head, and slammed it onto the table.

Woo Taeju’s face contorted in pain. One more hit and his birthday might become his death anniversary. Enduring Woo Hyunse’s scent, now almost as pungent as blood, Kwon Siyul jumped up from his seat and grabbed Woo Hyunse’s wrist.

Barely managing to stop Woo Hyunse, Kwon Siyul escaped from the place. Their conversation in the alley was meaningless. They tediously repeated stories that were already over. It was like scratching wounds that hadn’t healed, causing more needless pain and bleeding.

Kwon Siyul didn’t mention meeting Woo Hyunse’s family. In truth, he wanted to bring it up several times. His throat tightened with the desire to place all the blame on Woo Hyunse.

But Kwon Siyul ultimately swallowed the humiliation he had endured. He only said they should never see each other again, words that didn’t match his true feelings. He forced back his tears by widening his eyes. He couldn’t show Woo Hyunse any more of this pathetic side of himself.

‘I’ve sorted everything out now. I don’t…like you. Not at all.’

He shouldn’t have come to the get-together after all. Filled with regret upon regret, Kwon Siyul left Woo Hyunse standing there and exited the alley. He wanted to look back as much as he did on the day he put shoes on Woo Hyunse’s feet and left. But he didn’t. Clenching his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palms, he walked away from the motionless Woo Hyunse. It took him everything he got to not turn back.

The tears he had been holding back finally burst out once he was some distance away from the alley. Even as he wiped them away, they kept falling incessantly, leaving no time for Kwon Siyul’s sleeves to dry. Eventually, it became too tiring to even lift his hands, so he just let the tears flow freely down his face.

He couldn’t bring himself to take the bus. He didn’t want to face the curious or sympathetic glances of strangers. Instead, he spent a long time sniffling at an empty bus stop, only stopping after the still-cold night wind had repeatedly slapped his cheeks.

His phone was turned off. The phone Woo Hyunse had given him could easily last two days without charging, but his old model would automatically go into rest mode after only half a day. He roughly shoved the useless device into his pocket and continued walking.

Alternating between subway and bus rides, he arrived at the inn district. Kwon Siyul staggered and leaned against a wall. He didn’t want to go in right away. After roughly rubbing his face where the tear tracks had dried, he slid down next to the rusty iron gate and sat there.

“What an idiot,” he cursed himself as he rummaged through his pockets. He took out a cigarette and put it to his lips, but then a drop of water fell on his forehead. Looking up, he saw raindrops starting to fall one by one. The scent of damp earth mixed with dust began to creep in.

Left with no other choice, he put the cigarette back and went into the inn. Usually, there would be loud snoring, but tonight it was eerily quiet as if everyone was still out and about and having a good time.

Kwon Siyul entered his room and lay flat on the floor without turning on the lights. As he stared at the ceiling, his dry eyes became moist. He had always been prone to tears, but since turning his back on Woo Hyunse, the days he cried had become too numerous to count on his fingers.

He cried at the slightest provocation. He would wake up with damp cheeks, and even during brief breaks at work, a tear would roll down his face.

This isn’t right, he thought. He had decided not to cry anymore, but he comforted himself with the thought that it was okay since no one was watching.

Woo Hyunse had been cruel.

If he had at least said it was the end with his own mouth, he could have coldly pushed Kwon Siyul away to prevent any lingering attachments. Instead, he tossed bits of attention like feeding scraps to a hungry dog.

One moment he’d be furiously angry at Woo Taeju, the next he’d be telling Kwon Siyul to move into the house he had prepared ahead of time. His shameless claims of ownership in front of others were like water and salt—daily bread that Kwon Siyul, thirsting for affection, thirsting for Woo Hyunse, had to consume in order to survive.

I should stop, I should end this, he’d chastise himself, get angry, blame everything on the other person, but the feelings inside him wouldn’t diminish even by a grain of sand. They remained as vast as a mountain. Trying to remove even a teaspoon’s worth was as painful as cutting out a chunk of flesh.

Kwon Siyul squeezed his eyes shut. But even in the darkness behind his eyelids, that person was etched there. The food he ate, the clothes he wore, the way he walked, even his sleep—all had been tamed by Woo Hyunse. There wasn’t a place inside or out that didn’t bear the other man’s mark.

The memories weren’t etched in actual places. They were etched in his body and soul.

“…”

The teardrops grew larger. Kwon Siyul lowered his head. Dark stains spread across the old pillow.

Still, Kwon Siyul was grateful to Woo Hyunse. For allowing him to write one brilliant page in his otherwise wretched life.

The heavy rain pounded on the thin roof of the inn with a loud hiss. The relentless sound of rain hitting the metal roofing made Kwon Siyul’s eyelids twitch. His eyes slowly opened, still hazy with sleep.

He didn’t know when he had dozed off. He lifted his head heavily from the pillow and looked out the window. Raindrops were drawing chaotic lines across the window glass.

A glance at his phone showed that it was just past 2 a.m.

At this hour, thoughts of Woo Hyunse invariably came to the surface. He was like a tamed fox. Though he knew he should forget now, Kwon Siyul didn’t even have the slightest confidence that any of this would be possible. He covered his eyes with his forearm, struggling to erase even the afterimage of that man.

It was then that he heard the heavy knocking on the door. Kwon Siyul, who had been staring at the floor, flinched at the unexpected sound. Thinking it might be a drunk who had come to the wrong place, he stayed quiet.

The knocking came again. It was firm but not forceful enough to break the door. As Kwon Siyul remained silent, a soft voice squeezed through the door crack, “It’s me.”

Kwon Siyul sat up abruptly. Woo Hyunse had come. Could it be his imagination? Or was this a dream? He slapped his tear-stained cheek with his palm, making a sharp sound, only then realizing it wasn’t a dream.

As he hesitated, wondering what to do and whether to pretend he wasn’t there, Woo Hyunse knocked again from outside. He seemed likely to keep knocking until Kwon Siyul opened the door. Thinking this might wake everyone up, Kwon Siyul finally grasped the doorknob after some hesitation.

Woo Hyunse stood there motionless. Instead of entering the room, he remained still like a statue. Having been caught in the rain, clear drops of water fell from his hair, chin, and sleeves.

The first time Woo Hyunse had come looking for him, he had also stayed outside the gate, not coming in. Woo Hyunse standing in the narrow alley lined with shops looked starkly out of place.

“Why…?”

Kwon Siyul’s voice choked. He looked up, moistening his dry throat with saliva. The gaze looking down at him was dark. The dim streetlight beyond the wall cast shadows on Woo Hyunse’s eyelids and cheeks.

“I…”

Kwon Siyul stared blankly at Woo Hyunse. The other rubbed his face with his wet hand, stopping mid-sentence. It seemed like he wanted to spit something out, but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat, which he also gripped tightly. Uncharacteristically, he repeated, “I…”

Kwon Siyul took a step back. He admonished himself that he shouldn’t give in. That he should coldly reject Woo Hyunse, regardless of whether he had second thoughts or had anything else to say to him. Perhaps thinking Kwon Siyul was trying to avoid him, Woo Hyunse quickly grabbed the door to keep it open.

“—I should have told you I fell in love with you at first sight, instead of that stupid ‘let’s sleep together’ crap…!”

And then he blurted out his words like a machine gun. Kwon Siyul, who had been turning away, froze. He looked up at Woo Hyunse with his mouth agape. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. It was something he had never heard in all the time he had spent with Woo Hyunse.

“I couldn’t say I liked you. Or that I loved you. I should have said that first. I, I, to you…”

Had Woo Hyunse ever stammered before? Had he ever hesitated? Even as he roughly rubbed his own jaw, he didn’t take his eyes off Kwon Siyul.

“I realized too late that I love you.”