BHB 107

Below Taegang’s messages, there were many texts from Chaemin. Messages that came several times a day mostly begged to meet briefly, or pleaded for him to listen to what he had to say. Perhaps anxious that he hadn’t read or replied for days, these were followed by one-sided messages expressing regret.

Looking at these two people’s messages alternately, Yeowon’s emotions suddenly surged again, and for the next week, he kept his phone turned off completely. He needed to sort out his feelings and calm his emotions. So he lived as if he didn’t have a phone, leaving it aside.

He hadn’t come directly to Youngjae’s house at first. For a few days, he stayed at a hotel in the center of Seoul. Alone, without anyone, with his phone set aside, he seemed to have gone a little crazy for a while. When he came to his senses, he was either on the hotel bed or at a table in the hotel’s basement bar. He visited so frequently that the bar owner recognized his face. He always ordered expensive, strong drinks, and each time pathetically drank alone until falling asleep on the table. The owner welcomed him because he only chose expensive drinks, but was also wary of him. After all, every time he came, he drank until he lost consciousness.

Each time he opened his eyes on the hotel bed, the most primal sensation he felt was loneliness. Life alone, an empty room, waking up alone every day. A day without conversation, only an empty void waiting for him every day. Sometimes he would suddenly wake up at night and silently stare at the hotel night view for hours. And when he came to his senses, he felt with his whole body that he was becoming emotionally devastated.

One day, he suddenly remembered Taegang asking if it felt good when they were having sex. Taegang had a habit of asking every time they slept together: “Does it feel good?” 

At the time, he was so lost in the act of sex that he hadn’t noticed, but looking back, Taegang had asked this to the point of tedium. He asked and demanded: “Say it feels good,” “Tell me it feels good.” And though he could be forceful, he was also affectionate; though he could be violent, he also acted tenderly.

He would pound into him as if he was going to crush him, but then move gently as if savoring every moment, continuously kissing him. He had thought this was just Taegang’s style in bed. His persistence, his tenacity, his inability to control his excitement, his love of kissing, his constantly uttering irrepressible moans and repeatedly calling his name.

But as it turned out, all of this was his elation at having him. It was also the misery of Taegang, who said he had never expected his feelings. It was his desperate attempt to have his body if not his heart. He had struggled to stimulate him and obtain him that way at least.

Once these thoughts began, they grew increasingly larger. When he was alone, these thoughts extended endlessly, and the side effect of thinking about Taegang all day emerged. Then suddenly one day, when objects before his eyes felt distant, the thought that he couldn’t continue like this suddenly came to mind.

So Yeowon left the hotel and headed to Youngjae’s house, which he considered the next best option. Youngjae welcomed him gladly, but his face was full of curiosity. However, he had nothing he could tell him right away. It wasn’t something he could tell anyone, and he wanted to put aside thoughts of Taegang for a while. Throughout his stay at the hotel, he had thought about him to the point of feeling dazed, to the point where his brain felt strange, so he no longer had the mental capacity to continue.

“Wear this.”

Yeowon came to his senses at the sound of someone’s voice. The building that Baek Seungha had brought him to, saying it was where he worked, was a club he remembered visiting a few times. It was where Kim Myungjoo had been a manager before opening a new club. Baek Seungha, who had taken him to the changing room, handed him a well-ironed suit.

“It’s not the best quality, but it’s like a uniform, so you have to wear a suit.”

As he said, it wasn’t good quality, but Yeowon didn’t have the energy to think about such details now. In fact, he had accepted this job to erase the pathologically recurring thoughts of Taegang, even if just a little. Otherwise, the subtle guilt seemed like it would torment him. No, perhaps he was already constantly feeling it. About hurting Taegang like that. About leaving home without a word and quitting school without a word.

For the first time, he felt mean for committing acts knowing they would impact Taegang. The thought that he had acted meanly and despicably kept subtly tormenting him. Consciously, he thought he had every right and that Taegang was the one who had done wrong, but his head and his gut continued to disagree.

“Yes. I don’t mind.” Yeowon answered indifferently and changed clothes nonchalantly. 

The staff changing room in this high-end club in the middle of Cheongdam was shabby and narrow like a warehouse. The musty smell of dust made him newly realize what labor was like. The metal lockers were messy with trash rolling around, but Baek Seungha’s face showed no reaction. He was enduring this unpleasant and uncomfortable place without any sign of discomfort. Seeing his composed demeanor, he suddenly thought that trying this kind of work might not be so bad.

There had been many days when he became endlessly sensitive. He needed time to step back from everything and sort out his feelings, and he thought diverting his attention elsewhere was necessary for him now.

After changing clothes and following him out, he received a walkie-talkie and brief instructions from someone called the floor manager. Since it was the job Baek Seungha had been doing, they said it wouldn’t be difficult if he just received a proper handover.

It was just after finishing the brief explanation and heading to his position.

“Something happened, right?” Baek Seungha, who had been glancing at him continuously, suddenly asked as if he had made some silent resolution. 

Yeowon, who had been just walking, inadvertently looked at him.

“…I’m just curious. You’re staying at Youngjae’s house and all.”

“…”

“And you accepted my offer too.” Baek Seungha asked without daring to mention Taegang’s name. 

Yeowon remained silent for a moment before opening his mouth a few seconds later, “It’s all over.”

Yeowon turned his head to look straight ahead and continued indifferently, “…Because he really messed up.”

“…”

“I said really terrible things.”

“…”

“That’s why I left home and quit school. For revenge.” Yeowon spoke indifferently. 

At that answer, Baek Seungha twisted his head slightly as if puzzled. “…Is that revenge?”

The word “revenge” seemed somewhat grandiose, so Baek Seungha cautiously asked again. 

But Yeowon answered firmly, “Yes.”

It was a definitive answer without any further explanation. Baek Seungha’s face was still full of questions.

“He’s the kind of guy who would freak out just from me changing the house password.”

The first time Taegang had tried to force himself on him, when he angrily changed the password to prevent him from entering as he pleased, Taegang had gotten angry with him. At the time, he thought he was just angry, but looking back now, he vaguely felt that even that incident might have been hurtful to him. After all, it was their first kiss, and he had changed the password to reject Taegang because of it, so he had been hurt in his own way. He would have thought he did it because the kiss was terrible for him.

Baek Seungha was about to respond but closed his mouth. Perhaps considering it wasn’t his place to comment, he swallowed his words and began work when they arrived at their position.

Yeowon’s job was simple. It was to prevent regular customers from entering the VIP section. Baek Seungha said this was the part he would take every time he came. The way to distinguish between regular and VIP customers was by the wristbands attached to their wrists. VIPs didn’t have the wristbands that regular customers wore. He said sometimes regular customers would deliberately remove their wristbands to enter, but when VIPs entered, floor manager-level staff would radio, so he was told to turn away all customers who entered without a radio notification.

The inside of the club was chaotic. Even the job he thought would be simple exceeded his expectations. He had thought he would just have to block entry, but in reality, he had to deal with intoxicated patrons who couldn’t keep their wits about them as they moved between the stage and the VIP section. At first he ignored them, but then got scolded by the floor manager.

“New to the job?” Parenthetical gazes looked down at him. 

For a moment, Yeowon’s heart sank at the disrespect. “What?”

“No, don’t you know how to spell VIP?”

“…Yes?”

“Very Implicit Pearson.” The manager admonished himself for his poor English pronunciation. “These are very important customers to our store, aren’t they?”

“….”

“Then they deserve to be treated as such, don’t you think?” The manager glared at Yeowon disgruntledly as he helped a customer down the stairs. “What if you just stand there and watch?”

“What?”

“Do you really think I’m paying you a high hourly wage just to keep you standing there like a piece of furniture?”

What an angry man. It had been less than half an hour since he’d said it wouldn’t be difficult, but Yeowon had realized his status as a worker and nodded meekly. He was definitely a mid-level employee, and since he had been introduced to him by Baek Seungha, he couldn’t be rude to him, but he didn’t know how to be polite.

“Yes.”

As if he wasn’t satisfied with Yeowon’s short answer, the manager gave himself another sharp look and tossed the drunkard to him.

Taking the drunk, Yeowon let out a soundless sigh and heaved the drunk over his shoulder. He had been told by the manager that the customer was in room 3, so he looked around for the room number. The drunk was a man, but he was small and not very heavy.