GB 54

After returning home, Haero tossed and turned in bed for a while before getting up to find some medicine.

A small light was on in the living room. Since both Yoon Moo-hwa and Haero usually slept in complete darkness, this light meant someone was still awake.

Yoon Moo-hwa was there.

Slightly away from the light, in the deep darkness, he was wearing headphones. Haero couldn’t tell what he was listening to, but he could see that Yoon Moo-hwa was intently focused on something.

Haero was about to call out to Yoon Moo-hwa but held back and waited.

He just wanted to look at that back view for a long time. Come to think of it, Yoon Moo-hwa always seemed to sense when Haero woke up at night. But not this time. Thanks to that, Haero realized he had never quietly observed Yoon Moo-hwa’s back for so long.

He didn’t want to miss this moment, as if it might be the last.

But eventually, Yoon Moo-hwa noticed the gaze on his back and turned around. “Why are you up?”

“I can’t digest.”

Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t hear Haero’s answer. Partly because it was said softly, but also because of the headphones covering Yoon Moo-hwa’s ears.

He seems to have forgotten that. 

Even Yoon Moo-hwa can make such mistakes. 

‘It’s cute.’

Haero arbitrarily thought the scarred man, who had lived much longer and was much bigger than him, was cute.

Approaching and removing the headphones, Haero spoke again, “I can’t digest.”

“Do you feel like you have indigestion?”

When Haero nodded, Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t boast about knowing it would happen or being right. He quietly pulled Haero along.

Haero was generally healthy but occasionally had digestive issues. It couldn’t be helped. It was probably due to the different foods he had eaten since childhood.

Yoon Moo-hwa took Haero’s hand and massaged it firmly. The action looked familiar. Haero enjoyed it most when Yoon Moo-hwa would take out a tiny needle, far too small for his hands. He liked watching Yoon Moo-hwa’s concentrated face as he prepared to prick Haero’s fingers.

“Tell me if it hurts.”

“It always hurts. Ah!”

Once again, a stinging pain spread. Black blood gushed out. He pricked all five fingers like this. Haero frowned at the tingling yet throbbing pain. He could endure high fevers that blurred his vision and headaches that felt like his eyes would pop out, but why was this slight pain so uniquely painful and hard to get used to? Was it because Yoon Moo-hwa was causing the pain?

“Should I do the other hand too?”

He shook his head. Yoon Moo-hwa wiped Haero’s entire palm with an alcohol swab and put away all the bloodletting tools.

“Even if all the glaciers melt, people will still prick fingers for indigestion.”

That’s what Yoon Moo-hwa had muttered when he was earnestly learning how to perform bloodletting when Haero first got indigestion as a child. It seemed he had never pricked his own fingers or anyone else’s before. 

‘Having lived so much longer than me, yet never having done this before. To think there could be something he’s doing for the first time with me.’

Haero quickly forgot his initial fear of drawing blood and grinned all night. Amazingly, as his stomach settled, he felt like he was floating.

And now, he was experiencing liking someone for the first time with Yoon Moo-hwa.

‘This probably isn’t the first time for him.’

It was saddening to think that there were 20 years of Yoon Moo-hwa’s life that Haero didn’t know about. Moreover, after becoming an adult, he realized that growing up was much more complicated and involved telling many more lies. How many lies did Yoon Moo-hwa tell? How many of them smelled like lavender?

Liking someone makes you sad. The feeling of liking someone might be humanity’s worst invention. It might be a punishment given to arrogant humanity.

Watching Yoon Moo-hwa examine his hand thoroughly with one leg raised, Haero felt an unbearable emotion. It couldn’t be explained in just one way. It swirled like a whirlpool of ocean currents.

However, Haero didn’t think that he shouldn’t feel this way about Yoon Moo-hwa. He felt bewildered by his feelings of affection, but he had no sense that he shouldn’t like Yoon Moo-hwa or any curiosity about how he came to like him.

For Haero, coming to like him was just too natural and obvious.

So without hesitation, Haero simply tilted his head as his heart led him.

“Hyung.” He whispered, drawing very close, and Yoon Moo-hwa raised only his head without taking his eyes off Haero’s hand. Even then, he was still firmly massaging Haero’s cold hands.

Before Yoon Moo-hwa could look at him, Haero leaned in and pressed his lips against him.

He didn’t know how to kiss. He thought tongues might be involved, but to Haero, that seemed a bit too dirty. He had licked the back of his own hand, and even that felt ticklish and creepy. 

Tongue to tongue? He couldn’t even imagine it.

So Haero just pressed his lips firmly, gently.

Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t move at all. He was so calm that it seemed like nothing had happened to him. 

Yoon Moo-hwa stared at Haero, who had his eyes closed as if he knew what he was doing, and slowly pulled his head away. “What does this mean?”

Beneath the gentle question was a slightly stern warning.

Haero stared at Yoon Moo-hwa as if he had done nothing wrong. Far from avoiding it, his gaze was so aggressive, as if he could fall into Yoon Moo-hwa’s pupils if possible, that Yoon Moo-hwa almost turned away. He hadn’t avoided the kiss just moments ago, yet now, just from a look.

“I like you.”

“Yes. I like you too, Haero.”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“You know I answered knowing that’s not what you meant.” Yoon Moo-hwa didn’t smile at Haero.

Haero, who had never needed to wonder why he shouldn’t like Yoon Moo-hwa or why he came to like him, didn’t feel his heart pounding as if it might fall out.

However, this also meant that Haero hadn’t considered the possibility of being rejected.

It wasn’t because he thought so highly of himself, but because Haero naturally thought of Yoon Moo-hwa and himself as necessary and sufficient conditions for each other. Yoon Moo-hwa had also consistently given Haero the assurance that they were such obvious existences for each other.

“It’s true that both Haero and I like each other. Let’s leave it at that.” Yoon Moo-hwa pushed Haero away and stood up. 

Haero looked up at him and quietly asked, “You’re speaking so unkindly because you know I don’t mean it that way, right?”

“…”

“It’s strange. I only recently realized that I like you, but it seems you’ve known for a while. From the way you treat me.”

“… I’ve just been wondering if that might be the case. Recently.”

Haero tightly closed his lips. ‘Wondering’ is a word that combines the meanings of ‘bitter’ and ‘agonizing’. Does it mean that him harboring such feelings towards Yoon Moo-hwa causes such bitter agony?

‘He’s so skillful at rejection. It hurt more because he pushed me away so skillfully.’ 

A bitter taste remained in his throat. 

Rejection was bitter.

“How do you know everything? Even though I never said anything. Did you know I would come to like you? How? I didn’t know. Even though I’m not denying it, you knew but pretended not to know.”

Before he knew it, Haero was getting a little angry. As his words rushed towards the end, his voice grew louder and his hands trembled. 

Yoon Moo-hwa took off his headphones and put them back in place, then wrapped the needle in tissue and threw it in the trash. During all this, he never once looked back at Haero. 

Haero’s voice, clinging to that expressionless back, was pitiful. “Why are you pretending not to know? Do you think you can make it like it never happened if you cover it up?”

‘It’s too late for me.’

Haero’s feelings were uncontrollable to pretend they never existed. He just hadn’t realized how big they had grown from the start. Haero was so anxious he could barely breathe. Even though he could hold his breath longer than anyone else.

“What do I have to do to make it impossible for you to pretend it never happened? How far do I have to go?”

Ignoring was more painful than rejection. Haero was hurt that his first confession was so politely disregarded. Yoon Moo-hwa was, as rumored, very cold and cruel.

“I’ll pretend not to know about your feelings, so let’s continue on as we have been. Unchanged.” Yoon Moo-hwa slowly turned around. 

Only then did Haero understand what it meant for one’s heart to drop. It sounded like no matter what he did, Yoon Moo-hwa would pretend nothing had happened. No, that must be right. It felt like an invisible hand had grabbed the middle of his body and pulled it out, leaving him feeling empty and very cold inside.

“Is that what you’d like me to say to you?”

Haero’s expression changed moment by moment. First, it was the expression of a bewildered lost child, then it slowly contorted, and soon straightened out to glare at Yoon Moo-hwa. The glare from wet eyes, with flushed cheeks and a slight tremble, showed his youthfulness. 

Yoon Moo-hwa briefly avoided his gaze before meeting his eyes again. As if he had to.

“Is that for my sake too?”

“…”

“It’d be better if you were just honest… Do you know how cowardly you’re acting right now? Under the guise of doing it for me, you’re not even acknowledging me.”

‘I thought I knew everything about Haero… but I was wrong.’ 

Yoon Moo-hwa quietly furrowed his brow, careful not to let Haero notice, then quickly relaxed it.

“If you wanted me to remain a child forever, you should have cleared out everyone on that island and left with just me there. And then come to check on me occasionally.”

Haero stepped closer to Yoon Moo-hwa. And looked up at him aggressively.

‘It pierces me like an arrow flying straight. It also reminds me of a bullet.’

Yoon Moo-hwa squinted as if facing the harsh sunlight reflecting off the sea. Unable to take his eyes off Haero, Yoon Moo-hwa’s lips moved slightly. For a brief moment, as if someone had blocked his throat, no sound came out, then a hoarse voice burst forth.

“Then… I’ll act cowardly. Try to understand me.”

Cowardly. Who else in the world could be the most cowardly and know him best other than Yoon Moo-hwa?

‘He treats me like a child who knows nothing while simultaneously asking for understanding. Yoon Moo-hwa makes me feel like the most conceited child in the world…’

“Haero. I’ve never liked a child so young and inexperienced that they can’t distinguish between admiration and love, familiarity and attachment.”

‘But I don’t want to remain a child. I want to be equal to you. If you long for the cave where you were hurt and powerless, is it because of the terrible elements inside me that come from my humble origins, or is it because I’m still young as you say?’

Either way, it wasn’t welcome.

“Then… then if I wasn’t Number 8 and was your age, would it have been different?”

Haero’s wavering gaze is pitiful. As long as our conversation continues in a direction where we can never understand or accept each other, it can’t be helped. 

Yoon Moo-hwa swallowed a sigh, as if used to it, and opened his mouth, “No. I don’t make such assumptions about you. What matters is who you are now. I didn’t bring you here to do what you’re hoping for now.”

It sounds like a kind yet firm death sentence. Haero was stunned, as if all the surrounding land had been swept away and he was suddenly standing in the middle of a vast ocean.

It was unmistakably a parallel line, and unmistakably a standstill.