GBH 116

In the dark garden where even minimal lighting had been extinguished by the downpour, trees swayed in the wind and rain. Under the black sky, the dark trees shook precariously as if about to break. The diagonal rain driven by the fierce wind couldn’t be blocked even with an umbrella.

Se-kyung, opening a long umbrella, was soaked as soon as he stepped into the garden. Turning his head to avoid the rain, he stepped into a puddle, wetting even the inside of his sneakers. It was hard to distinguish whether it was his body or his heart that was shaking in the strong wind that required a firm grip on the umbrella handle. Everything trembled uneasily.

Se-kyung opened the gate. And upon discovering a dark figure crouched under the doorbell, he threw away his umbrella. Rainwater gathered at the edge of the gate’s eaves pooled in the overturned umbrella.

Se-kyung knelt in front of the figure who had buried its head between its knees. 

‘Who could it be?’ 

The huddled figure looked so small and pitiful that even Se-kyung, who could usually distinguish between the two souls, couldn’t discern which soul inhabited the body at this moment.

On the phone, he had said that child was gone. But Se-kyung felt a sense of déjà vu looking at the wet back of the head. The image of a boy who had come in the same state a year ago overlapped with the crouched figure before him.

Song Yi-heon, who had come barefoot through the rain to threaten Se-kyung. His threat had been feeble, and despite trying to threaten, he couldn’t even make eye contact and trembled violently. He had been so weak and fragile. He posed no threat at all. 

Se-kyungS could have pretended to be threatened and listened to him just once. He remembered the back view of him choosing to run into the rain with his frozen body, ashamed by Se-kyung’s mockery. That white back view blurring as if shattering in the fierce rain.

At that moment, it no longer mattered who this boy was.

“…Yi-heon.” Se-kyung gripped both shoulders of the crouched figure. 

The rain-soaked, frozen clothes were chillingly cold, and the body with lowered temperature couldn’t control its shivering. Finding that trembling too pitiful, Se-kyung pulled the shoulders into an embrace. Even though the coldness emanating from the embraced body stole his warmth, Se-kyung held the boy preciously as if willing to give all his body heat.

“Song Yi-heon.”

A year ago, Se-kyung had finally caught the boy he had always missed. The low-grade fever that had plagued him for so long from losing the boy subsided. He was liberated from the guilt that had made him search for the boy.

And in this moment of liberation, there was no joy.

“He, he was watching.”

A very hoarse voice flowed from Se-kyung’s embrace. Se-kyung knew who he was sharing body heat with. The real Song Yi-heon had left. To a place where he could never be seen again.

That child had left, and the Song Yi-heon he loved remained. But Se-kyung couldn’t be happy. To endure his aching heart, he embraced the body even tighter. Through the shivering of the cold, frozen body, he felt the emotions of his beloved Song Yi-heon who had run through the rain.

The child who had never received warm kindness left without giving any chance to those left behind. Se-kyung closed his eyes, hiding his reddened eyelids.

“He said he was watching…” Song Yi-heon, shedding tears, screamed as if he had swallowed a blade. “Hong Jae-min, the chairman… I should have beaten them all up.”

After sending off that pitiful child like that, all that remained was regret. At the time, he thought that was enough, but it was merely deceiving the poor child.

They were the ones who made Song Yi-heon jump from the pedestrian overpass. Thinking that the child had watched him show petty mercy to such scum, he couldn’t bear the guilt. He felt it was his fault that the child had given up his body and left. If he had choked the life out of those who had tormented the child, would he have stayed in this reality?

As his thoughts reached this point, anger flared up in Song Yi-heon like fire spreading across a dry field. But it was quickly extinguished by the tears pouring like heavy rain.

“Those bastards… the bastards who tormented that child, fuck, all, everyone… huu…”

Everything felt futile. What was the use of catching and punishing them now that the poor child was gone?

Song Yi-heon beat his chest, but no matter how hard he struck, the suffocation and self-blame would not go away. If he felt this way, how much more resentful and wronged must that child have felt, who had to watch it all? Yet the bright smile of the child who left laughing clawed at his insides.

“If you go, if you just leave like this… what am I supposed to do… how, how am I supposed to live…”

“Yi-heon.”

Se-kyung grasped the hand beating his chest and pulled it down, intertwining their fingers. He tightly embraced the body that struggled to break free. Though he heard the sobbing in his arms, he couldn’t bring himself to offer any comfort. Se-kyung, who understood Yi-heon’s feelings better than anyone, knew that no words could provide solace.

Se-kyung nuzzled his nose into Yi-heon’s wet hair and pressed his lips against it. As he closed his eyes, a thin layer of tears coating his eyelids, the bridge of his nose stung.

Yi-heon, who had been crying as if about to faint, suddenly stopped his tears. He grabbed Se-kyung’s shoulders and pushed him away. His face, now devoid of anger, fumbled about like someone who had lost their mind, as if wanting to deny reality.

“Se-kyung… how am I supposed to live… huh? Choi Se-kyung, how am I supposed to go on living…”

“Yi-heon.”

“Taking from that poor child… how am I supposed to live…! Do something…! Please, please do something for me…” Yi-heon grabbed Se-kyung’s collar and shook him, demanding answers. Then, seeing Se-kyung’s reddened eyes, his twisted lips trembled. Following the tears that fell in droplets, Yi-heon crumbled as well. “Se-kyung… Please, Se-kyung… How am I supposed to live… Se-kyung…”

Song Yi-heon’s back trembled finely as he buried his forehead in Se-kyung’s chest.

“… It’s my fault. I did everything wrong. It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Se-kyung spoke in a metallic voice, swallowing his sobs. 

He lifted the fallen Yi-heon and cupped his wet face. The tear-filled eyes were blurred at the edges, as if they might melt at any moment. Kissing those eyes, Se-kyung whispered hoarsely, “It’s my fault. It’s because I let go… I should have held on then, I shouldn’t have let go. I did wrong. Don’t think about anything else. It’s my fault. It’s my fault, Yi-heon.”

Kissing various parts of Yi-heon’s face, Se-kyung repeated similar words like a mantra. It was all he could do, so Se-kyung continuously tried to alleviate Yi-heon’s guilt. He redirected the source of Yi-heon’s torment towards himself.

As if vomiting his tangled innards that had melted with tears, Yi-heon sobbed violently, and Se-kyung’s lips followed everywhere the tears had flowed.

The sound of falling rain swallowed all the noise of the world.

The crying, the anger, the sadness. Everything was swept away in the flowing rain.

A black sedan climbed up the alley, going against the rain streaming down the slope. Soon, a bright light illuminated the feet of the two boys. At the sudden light, Se-kyung protectively held Yi-heon’s head to his chest and looked towards where the light was shining through the gaps between his fingers covering his eyes.

“Se-kyung.”

Choi Myung-hyun, who had gotten out of the driver’s seat of the vehicle with its headlights on, was looking at them. His startled eyes took in his son, who had just been kissing all over Yi-heon’s face.

* * *

Se-kyung supported Yi-heon, who had collapsed and couldn’t get up, into the house. Under the bright lights, Yi-heon was still wet with tears he couldn’t stop, his lips turned purplish. As his shivering body was beyond what could be solved by simply wiping away moisture, Se-kyung took Yi-heon to the bathroom and sat him in the tub.

Se-kyung dipped his fingers into the running warm water to gauge the temperature, then soon rolled up his sleeves and legs and entered the tub. By the time he managed to remove Yi-heon’s clothes that were clinging to his wet skin, Se-kyung was also soaked.

As the warm water rose, steam filled the bathroom, creating a cozy warmth. Although Yi-heon’s body, curled up hugging his knees, gradually warmed up, his shoulders began to tremble finely again. Instead of telling him to stop crying, Se-kyung embraced him and rubbed his back.

The warm water, now up to the edge of the tub, lapped gently. Tears added to the full tub, causing it to overflow. The sound of water spilling over the edge of the tub resembled sobbing.

By the time they left the bathroom, Yi-heon could barely stand. He put on clothes as Se-kyung dressed him and drank water. As water filled the space where moisture had been depleted, tears once again broke through the dam. Se-kyung embraced Yi-heon, who was crying while dropping the cup.

So that Yi-heon could fully grieve, Se-kyung suppressed his own sadness.

Yi-heon fell asleep as if passing out from exhaustion. Se-kyung checked that Yi-heon’s breathing was even as he slept in his bed, then pulled the blanket up over him. His eyes, raw and sore from crying, still shed tears even in sleep, but fearing it might sting, Se-kyung couldn’t wipe them away, and the pillow was getting wet. It was then that his phone vibrated with a text message from Choi Myung-hyun.

[Let’s talk]