GBH 4

December 20, 20XX

I don’t know why this is happening. Was it such a big mistake to like someone? I didn’t steal money or hit anyone, so why is everyone targeting me instead of Hong Jae-min? I didn’t do anything to them, but they avoid me, not him.

It feels like the whole school is talking about me. They whisper when they see me. I’m scared. I wish I didn’t have a heart. I don’t want to go to school. I want to run away. I don’t want to be here. I want to quit. I’m exhausted. I want to give it all up. I don’t know why I should keep living.

December 11, 20XX

I threw away the Chuppa Chupps.

December 9, 20XX

When I entered the bathroom, the kids inside came out. They said they didn’t want to share the bathroom with a gay kid. They said I get aroused just by looking at their genitals. I’d never seen them before, but they already knew I was gay.

Reading the diary, Kim Deuk-pal felt his throat tighten, so he rubbed his neck. His fingers hovered in the air for a moment before he swiped the screen. The pages flipped quickly, leaving afterimages, before stopping at the first entry dated March 14 of this year.

March 14, 20XX

Se-kyung gave me candy. It was a White Day event organized by the student council, and I got it from Se-kyung. Chuppa Chupps, strawberry flavor. I’m writing this down because I want to remember it.

March 21, 20XX

I thought my second year of high school was ruined because I ended up in the same class as Hong Jae-min, but from my seat, I can see Se-kyung’s class. At least until we change seats, I can just turn my head and see Se-kyung sitting by the opposite window. Se-kyung, with his chin propped up, smiling.

March 30, 20XX

He is pretty. Handsome. Kind. Smiles a lot. Has a nice voice. Tall. Studies well. Smells good. Fair.

Se-kyung. Choi Se-kyung.

I want to call him.

Se-kyung-ah.

April 9, 20XX

Does Se-kyung even know about my existence? I wish he would call my name. I want to go to the same university. If it’s an unpopular major, maybe I can barely make it in and go to the same college as him.

April 13, 20XX

The housekeeper found the mock test score that I hid. She scolded me because my score was low, even though my rank improved. Se-kyung said the March mock test was difficult too. The housekeeper doesn’t care about me, but when she finds something to scold me for, she won’t let it go. I wish she would stop. I’m sick of it too. If it’s so hard on her because of Mom and me, then she should just leave.

Please stop giving Mom alcohol. Please.

April 26, 20XX

I found out why Mom clings to the chairman. Just like I like Se-kyung, Mom likes the chairman. For the first time, I didn’t resent Mom for only caring about the chairman. I only watch Se-kyung, too. Like a creep.

May 2, 20XX

I tried to talk to Se-kyung when he was alone, but he’s never alone. He’s always surrounded by friends. But now that I think about it, it’s probably better that I didn’t talk to him. Even if we got close, it would only lower his status.

May 5, 20XX

Sunday. Weekend. I want to get out of this house.

June 3, 20XX

Se-kyung caught me being pickpocketed by Hong Jae-min. Embarrassing. I can’t forget the awkward smile on her face. How pathetic must I have looked. Se-kyung intervened so my money wasn’t taken, but it would’ve been better if they had just taken it. I want to cry.

June 6, 20XX

Hong Jae-min’s gang keeps harassing persistently. Before, if I gave them money, they’d hit me a few times and let me go, but today, even though classes started, they didn’t let me go. Do they think I’m the one who reported them for school violence? It’s unsettling.

July 1, 20XX

They only hit me where it doesn’t show. My ribs and thighs are all bruised. It hurts just to touch. Even with my ears covered, I can hear Hong Jae-min’s laughter. Even at home, his laughter echoes around.

July 9, 20XX

They told me to bring alcohol. I took some of Mom’s alcohol, but when they asked for cigarettes, I said I didn’t smoke. I stole cigarettes from the corner store that Hong Jae-min told me to go to.

July 28, 20XX

It’s summer vacation, so why do we have to do supplementary lessons?

August 24, 20XX

There was a parent-teacher conference. They said I smelled like cigarettes. No one believed me when I said I didn’t smoke. The housekeeper came instead of Mom. She said if it gets out that the chairman is my biological father, I should be prepared for the consequences, and she wouldn’t leave me alone. What more could they do to me? It hurts. I’m hurting.

August 26, 20XX

Did they hit me wrong? I can’t put any strength in my leg.

August 28, 20XX

The housekeeper warned me that my uniform was dirty. She told me not to make excuses about studying and that she wouldn’t tolerate even the slightest disturbance.

September 2, 20XX

While I was getting beaten, Se-kyung came back from Canada. He got a tan and grew taller. He said he wanted to eat kimchi fried rice from the snack bar in front of the school. I watched him walk out of the school gates with his friends without going into the cafeteria.

September 11, 20XX

Summer vacation was better. I don’t want Se-kyung to see me getting beaten. It’s worse than the beatings. I wish I wasn’t here. I want to shove my body into a locker so no one can see me.

September 20, 20XX

Hong Jae-min found out.

October 28, 20XX

Hong Jae-min broke his promise. The kids in the class know that I like Se-kyung.

November 26, 20XX

I can hear people whispering when I walk down the hallway. I’m scared that Se-kyung will find out. I’m scared that he’ll be disgusted if he hears that someone like me likes him.

December 9, 20XX

When I entered the bathroom, the kids inside came out. They said they didn’t want to share the bathroom with a gay kid. They said I get aroused just by looking at their genitals. I’d never seen them before, but they already knew I was gay.

December 14, 20XX

I threw away the Chuppa Chupps.

December 20, 20XX

I don’t know why this is happening. Was it such a big mistake to like someone? I didn’t steal money or hit anyone, so why is everyone targeting me instead of Hong Jae-min? I didn’t do anything to them, but they avoid me, not him.

It feels like the whole school is talking about me. They whisper when they see me. I’m scared. I wish I didn’t have a heart. I don’t want to go to school. I want to run away. I don’t want to be here. I want to quit. I’m exhausted. I want to give it all up. I don’t know why I should keep living.

“These damned bastards…”

Kim Deuk-pal ground his teeth as he reread the final page.  His hand, gripping the tablet, trembled, the bones jutting out. If it had been his own body and not Song Yi-heon’s weaker one, the screen might have cracked under the pressure.

Although the diary entries were sporadic, and not every event was recorded, the brief notes were enough to piece together the situation.

School violence and outing. Song Yi-heon had endured both, eventually leading him to climb that overpass.

Kim Deuk-pal, a man who had swerved his car on a rainy road to save a stranger, was not the type to ignore someone in danger. Even as a gangster, his sense of justice compelled him to act. The people who had wept at his funeral, draped over his casket, had all received his help at some point, a testament to his wide-reaching sense of duty.

Naturally, he couldn’t just overlook Song Yi-heon.

“Hey.”

Kim Deuk-pal called out Son Yi-heon reflected in the blacked-out screen. After reading the diary, those eyes that should have been full of life looked instead full of sorrow and fear, making him seem pitiful rather than pathetic. 

How much pressure had they put on the kid to make him think about dying at an age when he should be running wild like a thunderbolt? Kim Deuk-pal, indignant as if he were the one being bullied, spoke up.

“I’ll take care of this body until you come back. I’ll make good use of it. I never got to go to school, so stepping through those gates is something I’ve always wanted to do. I’ll study, enjoy youth, and when I’ve accomplished my dreams, I’ll move on, so when you return, I’ll be gone. But in return—”

Kim Deuk-pal’s eyes sharpened like a predator about to hunt. The melancholy in them vanished, replaced with a fierce resolve.

“I’ll take revenge on the bastards who harassed you.”

---

The new year had dawned. Kim Deuk-pal, now in Song Yi-heon’s body, faced his second time being nineteen. Although it came with the condition that he’d return the body once Song Yi-heon’s soul came back, Kim Deuk-pal had already begun adjusting to life as Song Yi-heon.

Losing his original body was disheartening, but honestly, he preferred this youthful form, with its cells still brimming with vitality, over the old one that creaked with aching joints and could predict rain.

“Age is a bully.”

After finishing his checkup, he turned his upper body left and right. Just as the doctor had said, the bones were healing well, with no significant pain. If it had been his old body, even a bucketful of bone broth wouldn’t have been enough to heal his broken ribs without strict rest, but the remarkable recovery of a teenager’s body amazed him.

Pleased, Kim Deuk-pal draped a black long padded coat over his shoulders. It was a design similar to the one worn by the students he’d seen from his car on the day of the accident at the overpass. The effort he’d gone through, borrowing a coat from a nurse and buying it, felt worthwhile, and he couldn’t help but press down on the foolish grin that kept trying to creep onto his face.

Having decided to live as Song Yi-heon, he was determined to do everything he wanted, and he was already starting to enjoy this new life.

After getting his outing pass checked at the lobby counter, he exited through the revolving door, where the cold wind whipped through his thin hair. Kim Deuk-pal carefully pushed the IV stand over the uneven sidewalk, heading towards the hair salon he’d spotted from the hospital room.

“Welcome!”

Kim Deuk-pal hesitated reflexively at the cheerful voice greeting him. He was more used to barbershops where a gruff barber would wordlessly cut and shave him, so this kind of friendly reception gave him goosebumps. But as a former gangster, he wasn’t about to back down over something like this.

The salon employee approached Kim Deuk-pal, or rather, the teenager Son Yi-heon, with a friendly smile.

“Is this your first visit? What can I do for you?”

“Oh, um, I need a haircut…”

“Ah, a haircut. Just a trim? What style are you thinking? Oh, a student? Are you a trainee from a nearby agency? You’re quite handsome.”

“No, it’s just…”

Despite his past as a former gangster, Kim Deuk-pal stuttered. The barber shop he used to visit had fellow young barbers who efficiently handled haircutting, shampooing, and shaving once he stepped in. But this upscale salon in the bustling area had employees who casually seated him and engaged him in conversation made Kim Deuk-pal uncomfortable.

Meanwhile, the employee kept grabbing at strands of Kim Deuk-pal’s hair.

“Your hair is so healthy. It’ll hold a perm really well. Have you dyed it? These days, the rules aren’t as strict, right? A light perm would be perfect. It’d be such a waste to just cut it.”

As the employee assessed his hairstyle and lifted his bangs, he paused in admiration before launching into full persuasion mode.

“Wow, you’re really good-looking. Do you use Instagram? If we post a picture of your perm on our salon’s Instagram, I could give you a discount, plus an employee discount on top of that. How about a perm?”

Feeling that the guy was talking way too much for a man, Kim Deuk-pal regained his composure and glared at the mirror.

“Shave it all off.”

“…Huh?”

The bold request left the salon employee stunned. Kim Deuk-pal firmly reiterated his decision.

“I’m a senior in high school, so I need to focus on studying. Shave it all off.”