LM 105

“What are you to me?”

The unexpected answer made Woo Hyunse, who had been looking elsewhere, turn his head. From the same distance as before, Kwon Siyul glared at Woo Hyunse with tightly clenched fists. His eyes were ice-cold.

“What are you to me? We’re nothing to each other now.”

“Kwon Siyul.”

He called out the name as if he were sighing. Kwon Siyul tried to brush past him. His strides were wide and quick. Woo Hyunse grabbed him to stop him from leaving. Kwon Siyul shook him off coldly.

“What do you want from me?!”

There was so much. So many things he’d like to mention but couldn’t.. Not knowing where to start, Woo Hyunse pressed his lips together, trying to organize his chaotic thoughts.

He suddenly remembered the broken hair dryer and a single strand of black, fine hair stuck to the pillow, the afterimages that didn’t leave his sight even when he moved from home to a hotel. All the foolish actions of picking up and putting down his phone dozens of times wanting to hear Kwon Siyul’s voice, going over their text messages until he memorized them, and grabbing his car keys ready to dash out at any given moment.

He couldn’t bring himself to reveal those things to Kwon Siyul. These were phenomena that had never occurred even when his mother left his side.

Kwon Siyul had taken something from him. Stolen and extorted. But Woo Hyunse still didn’t know what it was.

Waiting for Woo Hyunse to speak as he stood there like a statue, Kwon Siyul let out a bitter laugh. “Ha…” Deep disappointment clouded his eyes.

“You confuse me every time you do this. No matter what I say, you’re still going to get married anyway. If you’re going to abandon me in the end, why do you keep shaking me up like this? Stop playing with me. Please, just stop.”

Had he ever played with Kwon Siyul? Had he ever thought of abandoning him?

It certainly started as interest at first. Let’s play with this young, inexperienced kid who has no one to help him. Let’s pretend to be a saint and try to help him. When did those feelings change?

When he woke up one morning and saw sunlight on Kwon Siyul’s cheek, when Kwon Siyul smiled brightly at him, when he first called him “hyung,” when he gently embraced him and boldly hugged back, when he kept trying to pull away and get off his feet, worried he might hurt them.

Every single moment, without fail.

“I’ve sorted everything out now. I don’t…like you. Not at all.”

But now Kwon Siyul said that there was no string connecting them anymore. With the same lips that once confessed his love, he now declared he didn’t like him.

“I won’t see you anymore. I won’t move out either. Don’t contact me ever again.”

His lips couldn’t formulate an answer right then. Kwon Siyul no longer belonged to him. The day he opened the door and left, the day he put shoes on his feet, Kwon Siyul had broken free from the fence he had built around him.

The fact that he had only acknowledged it in his head now reached his heart. He could no longer make any demands of Kwon Siyul.

Woo Hyunse and Kwon Siyul were no longer a “we,” but “I” and “you.”

“I’m leaving.”

Kwon Siyul’s eyes were red. He didn’t shed tears, yet his face looked like he was crying. Woo Hyunse wanted to hug him, but Kwon Siyul passed by indifferently. Woo Hyunse couldn’t bring himself to look back. He couldn’t hold him. He was unable to.

Even after the sound of footsteps faded away, Woo Hyunse stood there staring blankly into space.

The street outside the alley was noisy. But the space in-between buildings, where Woo Hyunse was standing in, was strangely quiet. Even as he urged himself to leave, saying it was all over, he couldn’t take a single step as if tree roots were tangled around his ankles.

Noise and light from signboards on the main street seeped into the alley but didn’t reach where Woo Hyunse stood. He remained in the darkness, endlessly staring at the spot Kwon Siyul had left as if the other might return, take his hand, and pull him into the light.

It was only much later that he realized this was a vain delusion. Woo Hyunse took out a cigarette pack from his pocket. He had been desperately wanting to smoke since being with Kwon Siyul. As he put a cigarette between his lips, his fingers holding it trembled slightly. It turned out it wasn’t because of the cold. 

“Shit,” he cursed, clenching his fist.

Kwon Siyul had left. He knew it was over, but it hadn’t been this clear before. His stomach churned as if he might vomit. Even deeply inhaling the smoke to calm himself was useless.

He tried to attribute it to various surface reasons—lack of sleep, being overwhelmed with work, the alcohol he drank earlier—but he knew the truth. It was Kwon Siyul who was clawing at his insides with sharp talons.

He had arrogantly thought that since the other left first, he could just let go. It wasn’t like he hadn’t experienced breakups before. He believed that as time passed, the emptiness would disappear and that he could go on to live as usual. That too was an illusion. What had been possible with others was impossible when it came to Kwon Siyul.

He didn’t want to let go. He didn’t want it to end.

This miserable feeling was a first for him. It felt like he had been endlessly falling into an abyss, only to shatter upon hitting the bottom at Kwon Siyul’s words of not liking him. The pain seemed to pierce through his chest, threatening to crush his heart along with it. The void Kwon Siyul left was too big. It was simply unfillable.

Kwon Siyul was a weed. A common weed that happened to catch his eye.

As weeds often do, Kwon Siyul had, unnoticed by anyone, spread dense roots deep inside him. Even without watering it, he had absorbed sunlight and grown vigorously on his own. He was a dandelion, a violet, a wild rose. Blooming profusely at will, he had filled the field with his scent.

And yet.

After making flowers bloom abundantly in his snowy field at will, Kwon Siyul flew away like a butterfly. And yet, he couldn’t believe it. He was the one who had been abandoned.

“…Ah.”

At the sudden realization, Woo Hyunse raised his head. As he lowered his trembling hand, the cigarette butt with only the filter remaining fell to the ground.

This was his punishment. The punishment for realizing far too late that it was love.

***

Kwon Siyul looked up at the building with his mouth agape. The white exterior walls with blue lighting seemed to be modeled after a city in the Mediterranean. The cars lined up in the parking lot and the attire of the people entering were all elegant and luxurious.

He had thought it would be a barbecue restaurant like last time when they said it was a company dinner, but this was a completely different place. If he had known, he would have dressed up a bit more neatly. He felt self-conscious about coming in just a worn-out hoodie and a faded coat.

Kwon Siyul absently rubbed his head and pulled at his clothes, trying to smooth out the wrinkles. Even so, he didn’t look anything like the others. Uncomfortable with his shabby appearance, he put his hands in his pockets and fiddled with his phone.

Maybe he should call and say something came up and that he couldn’t’ make it. It wasn’t too late after all.

As if seeing through Kwon Siyul’s hesitation, the phone in his hand vibrated. Startled, he pulled it out to see Woo Taeju’s name on the screen. When he answered, the other called out cheerfully, “Hyung!” cutting through the noisy background.

“Where are you?”

“Ah, I’ve arrived. I’m in front of the main entrance.”

“Really? Wait just a moment. I’ll come right out.”

It was fortunate, as he felt awkward about going through that atmosphere alone. Soon after, Woo Taeju dashed out. Catching his breath, he bent over in front of Kwon Siyul with his hands on his knees.

“Did you wait long? It’s still cold out, I should have come out earlier. Let’s go in quickly, hyung.”

“Have the others arrived yet?”

“Yes, everyone came here early.”

It seemed he was the last to arrive. He hurried his steps, following Woo Taeju, who was urging him along. They passed through corridors and stairs adorned with paintings and sculptures, reaching the third floor.

The entire third floor was in the form of private rooms. As they opened the door and entered, Yang Hye-na was the first to spot Kwon Siyul, raising her hand high. Her voice was full of joy as she called out.

“Wow, I thought I’d forget your face.”

“Have you been well?”

“Of course! We should keep in touch more.”

Not just Yang Hye-na, but the bartender and chef also surrounded Kwon Siyul, asking after his well-being. The comfortable flow of conversation was just like when he used to work at the bar. Kwon Siyul’s lips, which had been unconsciously tense and stiff, gradually relaxed.

However, this gathering wasn’t completely comfortable. Every time Woo Taeju spoke, Kwon Siyul found himself unknowingly looking for similarities with Woo Hyunse. Reasons why he shouldn’t have come here in the first place kept popping up, making his seat feel like a bed of thorns.

Though he desperately wanted to leave soon, Kang Jiwon was busy passing drinks to Kwon Siyul, showcasing her old skills of mixing bomb shots. Yang Hye-na also chattered away endlessly, catching up on stories after not seeing each other for such a long time. With Woo Taeju joining the conversation, sitting next to him as if to prevent him from leaving, it was impossible to interrupt and excuse himself.

I should say I’m leaving now.

As he sipped his drink, trying to gauge when would be a good time to speak up, suddenly a thick arm landed on his shoulder.