LM 75

“Kwon Siyul.”

He called Kwon Siyul’s name softly, as if to try and soothe him. Kwon Siyul didn’t want to hear it. He pressed his palms against his eyes. Despite his efforts to hold back, his eyes quickly welled up. He tried to swallow the tears, looking up at the ceiling, along with the sound of his sniffling.

“You call that just a formality? How can you do this to me? You…Mr. CEO.”

“…”

There was no comfort in his words. Woo Hyunse simply stood there, as if rooted to the spot. The atmosphere briefly stirred at the formal address, but it was fleeting. It dissipated so quickly that Kwon Siyul wondered if he had imagined it. Unable to face Woo Hyunse any longer, Kwon Siyul glared at the floor. A tear he thought he had contained fell to the floor with a loud plop.

“I’m leaving. I can’t stay here.”

Even if he froze to death outside, even if he was beaten to death, he couldn’t stay here another minute longer. He didn’t want to breathe for even a second in this place permeated with Woo Hyunse’s scent. As he turned around to leave, Woo Hyunse grabbed his shoulder.

“There are people out there trying to kill you. Where do you think you’re going? Stay home.”

“No.”

Kwon Siyul tried to shake off Woo Hyunse’s hand. His arm was caught. The grip was so tight it felt like it would tear his flesh. Despite Kwon Siyul’s pained expression, Woo Hyunse didn’t let go. Instead, he pulled Kwon Siyul closer. The sudden waft of Woo Hyunse’s scent was threatening as if it might grab Kwon Siyul by the collar and throw him to the ground. Kwon Siyul’s shoulders tensed with instinctive fear.

“Stop acting like a child.”

“…”

Taking the silence as agreement, Woo Hyunse grabbed Kwon Siyul’s wrist and pulled him along. They crossed the living room. Kwon Siyul was still wearing his shoes. He tried several times to twist his arm free but failed each time. Woo Hyunse wouldn’t let go. Each time Kwon Siyul tried, Woo Hyunse tightened his grip as if to leave a dark bruise on his wrist.

“Cool your head.”

In the end, it was Kwon Siyul’s room. Woo Hyunse pushed him inside and closed the door, just like locking a prison cell.

The footsteps didn’t fade away. With no light inside or out, no shadow was visible under the door. But Kwon Siyul knew Woo Hyunse was standing outside the door.

Kwon Siyul slowly backed away, as if distancing himself from an invisible opponent. Step by step, until his back hit the cold wall. Only when he reached this dead end did he slide down to sit. He covered his mouth. It felt like he might scream. It was as if a sharp knife had cut deep and long somewhere on his body, but the pain was inside and the heat was in his eyes.

He hung his head low. The black floor rippled like the deep sea, then cleared as teardrops fell onto it.

Still, Kwon Siyul made absolutely no sound. He held back even his breath and trembled. He didn’t want the person still standing outside the door to hear him crying.

* * *

“I want to leave.”

“No.”

“Let me go.”

“Where to?”

“Anywhere.”

“No.”

It was a conversation between walls. Kwon Siyul attempted to escape whenever he could. He managed to reach the living room. But he couldn’t get past the front door. Woo Hyunse had switched to working from home, taking on the role of Kwon Siyul’s guard.

Then one day, Woo Hyunse called someone to install a lock on Kwon  Siyul’s room door. He filled the room with devices to kill time—game consoles, TV, and more. Now once Kwon Siyul entered the room, he couldn’t leave.

His phone was taken away, of course. Until the TV arrived, Kwon Siyul had no idea how time was passing in the outside world.

“Do I look like I’m joking right now?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

One day Kwon Siyul got angry, cried, threw tantrums, even threw things, then got scared and apologized, blamed Woo Hyunse, refused food…He tried every form of rebellion he could think of.  Never before had he struggled like this, not even in his rebellious teenage years.

He thought if he didn’t wash, Woo Hyunse might kick him out for being dirty, but that didn’t work either. On the fourth day of avoiding water, enduring the unpleasant feeling, Woo Hyunse snorted as if at a ridiculous whim and dragged Kwon Siyul to the bathtub.

Even when Kwon Siyul begged to do it himself, Woo Hyunse lathered and scrubbed every inch of his body. He even slapped Kwon Siyul’s hand away harshly and brushed his teeth for him.

“This is imprisonment. You know that, right?”

“Is there such a thing as imprisonment where they kindly feed and house you? I’ve never done anything like that before.”

“I’m going to report you to the police.”

“Didn’t you used to deliver drugs? They’re cracking down hard these days. If you get caught properly, you’ll rot in jail for at least 10 years. I’ll make sure of it.”

“…”

“Kwon Yuwon will be in danger too.”

Even when Kwon Siyul glared fiercely, Woo Hyunse didn’t even bat an eye. Kwon Siyul lay spread-eagled on the bed. He was tired of arguing. No matter how he tried to attack or threaten verbally, the amount of abuse he directed at the other man couldn’t even tickle his toes.

He had even attempted to escape when he saw an opportunity, but after experiencing Woo Hyunse’s athletic ability firsthand, he gave up on physical confrontation. It was a mismatched fight from the start. So he tried to win with words, but this too proved futile.

“Were you always this despicable?”

“When it comes to what I want, yes.”

Insults didn’t faze him. Provocations had no effect. Kwon Siyul always ended up losing.

“You said you’re getting married! Why don’t you go out and prepare for the wedding or spend time with your fiancée instead of just staying cooped up at home!”

He shouted in a burst of anger. As soon as he finished, Woo Hyunse approached swiftly, making Kwon Siyul flinch and sit up. He scooted backward until his back hit the headboard.

Woo Hyunse stood tall by the bedside, then sighed softly and sat on the edge of the mattress. When he reached out his hand, Kwon Siyul flinched and shrank back. Still, the hand pursued him, brushing back the disheveled hair on his forehead strand by strand.

“Is that what you want me to do?”

“…”

“Tell me, Kwon Siyul. If you say so, I’ll obediently do as you say.”

How could a person be so cruel? This was too much. He was doing this knowing full well that Kwon Siyul couldn’t bring himself to push him away. Kwon Siyul bit his lower lip hard, choking back the surge of resentment.

He wanted to tell Woo Hyunse to leave right now, to disappear from his sight, to go be with that woman—even if it was all a lie. But he hated himself more for not being able to utter a word. He hated himself so much that tears welled up in his eyes.

A finger touched his lips. When Kwon Siyul sharply turned his head away, Woo Hyunse cupped his cheek with his other hand and turned him back, gently releasing the bitten lip. He had bitten so hard that the lip had split, with red blood seeping out. Woo Hyunse sucked the blood off his own finger as if it were nectar.

“You know you’re really disgusting, right?”

“…”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

“I dislike you.”

“I know that too.”

“If you know, then let me go.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

The other’s scent was sweetly soothing as if trying to comfort him. Yet the taste on his tongue was unbearably bitter. Kwon Siyul started to curl up but changed his mind and burrowed into the blanket instead. Turning his back to Woo Hyunse was the only act of defiance he could manage right then.

“Ask for something else instead. I’m not in a position where I can’t give you a house or a building.”

It sounded like a profitable deal. Woo Hyunse could certainly provide him with material benefits. In the past, if his feelings for Woo Hyunse had been even a tiny bit smaller, he would have jumped at such an offer.

But he couldn’t do it now. No matter what he received, he couldn’t bear to watch someone else stand beside Woo Hyunse. He’d rather gouge out his eyes.

“I want to be alone.”

The hand reaching for his hair, peeking out from the blanket, hesitated in mid-air. Withdrawing his arm, Woo Hyunse stood up. Kwon Siyul heard the footsteps, the door opening and closing, and the lock clicking before he pulled down the blanket.

Woo Hyunse was good at respecting this kind of request. Kwon Siyul couldn’t distinguish whether he truly wanted to be alone or if it was Woo Hyunse’s warmth he needed more than anything.

Despite the fluffy down comforter and a room warm enough to sometimes feel hot even in short sleeves and shorts, somehow it felt chilly. Kwon Siyul curled up like a fetus, crossing his arms to hug himself. This confirmed whether he wanted the former or the latter. Still, he didn’t ask Woo Hyunse to come back.

“…It’s cold.”

He only muttered to himself, so quietly that it wouldn’t reach the ears of the person outside the door.

He spent time aimlessly in the room. Woo Hyunse brought him food. He stopped refusing to wash after Woo Hyunse forcibly bathed him once. Kwon Siyul himself couldn’t stand it. He could bear it for two days, but after that, he couldn’t tolerate the unclean feeling. After all, even in the inn where cold water often poured out despite turning on hot water, he had bathed almost daily like a bird shaking its feathers in a puddle.

One day he felt su1cidal, another day he felt empty, and on yet another day he felt a surge of courage to confront Woo Hyunse, only to become depressed again within minutes. But as time passed, he eventually became a bit calmer.

There was still pain as if something was being carved out with a knife, but as he eventually got used to it. It became somewhat bearable in the end. He wondered if this was the situation Woo Hyunse had in mind when he told him to cool his head.