LM 81

It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t the alcohol making him see things either. As his lips parted, white breath rose like cigarette smoke. The desire to get up and run away fought fiercely with the wish to remain seated in place. Kwon Siyul chose the latter. He knew he couldn’t get far even if he ran at full speed, and he didn’t even know where to go.

Woo Hyunse stopped abruptly in front of Kwon Siyul. Kwon Siyul tried to look up but instead bowed his head deeply. He felt Woo Hyunse’s heavy sigh touch the top of his head. It seemed to press down on the back of his head even more.

“Kwon Siyul-ssi.”

He had no excuses. He had acted drunkenly in front of the bodyguard and seemed determined to freeze to death in the dead of winter on this park bench. His phone was off, so there was no way to contact him in the meantime.

Had Woo Hyunse been worried?

A hand approached. Fearing he might be grabbed by the collar and lifted up, Kwon Siyul tightly shut his eyes. But Woo Hyunse simply bent his knees to sit, meeting Kwon Siyul at eye level. The raised hand touched his cheek. Despite crossing the park, the warmth of the hand still remained.

“It’s cold. Why are you outside? You should have gone inside somewhere.”

Woo Hyunse’s body heat transferred through Kwon Siyul’s skin. His cheeks, which had felt like they might crack from the cold, slowly thawed. But it wasn’t his cheeks that were warming—it was his eyes. Kwon Siyul quickly gripped the edge of the bench tightly.

“Let’s go back, Siyul-ah.”

Woo Hyunse whispered, twisting his head to meet Kwon Siyul’s gaze, while placing both hands on Kwon Siyul’s cold knees. Those large hands that used to hug, embrace, and caress him overlapped with the hands he saw in his dream. Seeing those hands that had been extended to the bride, not to him, he could no longer hold back.

Tears welled up and dripped onto the ground. Kwon Siyul roughly rubbed his nose and eyes with the back of his hand.

“Hyung…Hyunse hyung.”

His voice was trembling terribly. He reached out and grasped the hem of the coat before him. His mouth opened and closed several times.

He liked Woo Hyunse. He liked him so much he didn’t want to let go. He wanted to hold on. Even knowing he could no longer stand by his side, knowing he had to step back no matter what Woo Hyunse said, his desire had grown to match the size of his heart.

“Can’t you not get married?”

He was still drunk, that was why. Tomorrow, he could deny it with wide open eyes, saying he didn’t remember a single thing. Kwon Siyul looked at Woo Hyunse with his own nose tip and the place beneath his eyes reddened. His lower lip trembled, and tears thicker than snowflakes streamed down his cheeks.

“Don’t get married.”

“…”

“I’ll treat you so much better than I do now. I’ll do everything you say, and I won’t talk back. I’ll eat well and listen well. Just, be with me, hyung, just…”

He wanted to share an ordinary life with Woo Hyunse—eating together when he came home from work, doing dishes together, sitting on the sofa watching TV and chatting, going grocery shopping on days off, cooking, falling asleep in each other’s arms in bed. He wanted to laugh at trivial conversations, build memories, and increase their common ground.

Not a life where he worried about when Woo Hyunse would return, or if he would come to where Kwon Siyul was at all.

“Can’t you just live with me?”

Was that desire too much? Woo Hyunse kept his mouth shut and remained silent. Tired of waiting for an answer, Kwon Siyul rested his forehead on the shoulder before him. His lips were twisted, as if about to smile or cry.

“…I just talked nonsense for a moment because I’m drunk. I drank more than three bottles. I’m sorry.”

Kwon Siyul stood up on unsteady feet. He rubbed his cheeks, wiping away the tear stains. No more tears came. Looking down at Woo Hyunse, still kneeling in front of the bench, he smiled brightly. It was such a gentle smile that if his eyes weren’t red, one might not have known he had been crying just moments ago.

“I’ll forget everything by tomorrow. So don’t worry too much.”

Relying on his remaining drunkenness, he was briefly audacious. Kwon Siyul dusted off his clothes and put his hands in his pockets. Woo Hyunse stood up and forcibly pulled Kwon Siyul’s hand out of his pocket, intertwining their fingers. He lifted their tightly clasped hands and kissed the back of Kwon Siyul’s hand. Like tree roots gripping the soil, he interlocked their hands as if he would never let go.

Kwon Siyul looked at the snowflake resting on Woo Hyunse’s eyelashes, then raised his head to stare into the void. Countless white snowflakes fell, obscuring his vision. Since he couldn’t see through the snowfall, Kwon Siyul chose to close them.

“Ugh…”

His head hurt. Kwon Siyul woke up to a headache that felt like his skull was being hammered repeatedly. The nausea and the screaming pain in every joint told him this hangover was no ordinary one.

As he was squirming under the blanket for a while, the door opened and Woo Hyunse entered. He was carrying a tray.

“How are you feeling?”

“…I feel like I’m dying.”

Kwon Siyul curled up, holding his head with both hands, saying today might actually be his memorial day. His voice was as rough as if he had swallowed iron filings. Woo Hyunse put down the tray and sat at the bedside. He firmly massaged the back of Kwon Siyul’s neck as he lay face down. The skull-splitting headache slowly subsided under the touch that kneaded his head and the nape of his neck.

“That’s why I told you not to drink so much.”

“It’s been a while. That’s why. I was just happy to see everyone.”

As Kwon Siyul sat up, leaning against the headboard, Woo Hyunse offered him a cup he had brought. It contained a clear, barley tea-colored liquid. One sip moistened his tongue and throat with a sweet taste of honey. As his throat had been parched anyway, he emptied the cup in one go.

“Want more?”

“No, I’m fine. But what about your work?”

“I’m heading to work later in the afternoon.”

Kwon Siyul picked up his phone absent-mindedly. The fully charged phone screen showed numbers just past lunchtime. He had slept deeply and for a long time, completely crushed by the alcohol.

The phone screen turned black. Kwon Siyul was more startled by his reflection in it than by the date. His appearance on the dark screen was worse than a beggar who had wandered the streets for three years.

His hair was disheveled, his eyes and face were swollen, and his lips were chapped with white skin peeling off. Disbelievingly, he quickly raised his arm and sniffed. Fortunately, there was no terrible smell.

Woo Hyunse was about to reach for his wildly tangled hair when…

“I’ll go wash up.”

“I’ll help you wash.”

“No! I want to wash myself.”

Kwon Siyul hurried to get up, stopping Woo Hyunse who was rolling up his sleeves. As he staggered, Woo Hyunse immediately reached out to grab him, insisting that he would fall while washing in this condition and that he should help him. Kwon Siyul adamantly refused.

“I should do it myself now.”

Woo Hyunse hesitated. Then he strode over and grabbed Kwon Siyul’s wrist as he was about to close the bathroom door. Kwon Siyul turned around.

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?”

Kwon Siyul quietly looked into Woo Hyunse’s eyes. He seemed to be searching for something in them. But soon he frowned slightly and smiled as usual.

“No. Nothing. Did I cause any trouble yesterday?”

He twisted his wrist to pull it free. He scratched his head as if trying to recall memories. He narrowed his eyes, then shook his head lightly as if nothing came to mind.

“I must have drunk too much. I can’t remember anything. I do remember putting the manager in a taxi though.”

“…”

The gaze following him was persistent as if trying to determine whether it was a lie or the truth. Kwon Siyul pushed against Woo Hyunse’s chest, telling him to go away before his true feelings were revealed. Woo Hyunse didn’t budge an inch.

“Hyung, after I wash up, should we go eat hangover soup? I don’t think I can eat anything else today. Just thinking about it…ugh.”

Still, the other man wouldn’t move. At this rate, they’d be at a standoff in front of the bathroom door all day, hangover soup be damned. Kwon Siyul dropped his arms and pretended to be as pitiful as possible.

He pleaded that he already felt like dying from the hangover, and asked if Woo Hyunse wanted to make it harder for him, saying he might really faint if he exerted himself any more than that. Only after this exaggeration did he manage to safely enter the bathroom.

Kwon Siyul stripped off his clothes and stood under the shower. The streaming water soaked his hair, shoulders, back, and legs. Instead of reaching for the shampoo, he rested his forehead against the wall for a moment.

Unfortunately, Kwon Siyul remembered everything clearly. The dream on the bench, his drunken behavior, the ensuing silence, and even the furrowed brow that seemed to say it was troublesome. It was a roundabout rejection. There were things in this world that could substitute for answers without words. Expressions, silence, and atmosphere did just that.

He knew his clumsy act wasn’t fooling Woo Hyunse, not in the slightest. Still, Kwon Siyul decided to pretend he had forgotten. He believed that if he acted like nothing had happened, Woo Hyunse would also pretend not to know.

* * *

Kwon Siyul’s daily life returned to how it was before. He saw Woo Hyunse off and welcomed him home, they sat across from each other at the dining table to eat, or occasionally went out to dine. Woo Hyunse would hold a warm coffee, Kwon Siyul an iced vanilla latte, as they walked in the park, admired the Christmas trees that hadn’t been taken down yet, and secretly held hands. Like before the concert, Kwon Siyul often smiled and chattered away.

However, it was only peaceful on the surface. Kwon Siyul’s eyes gradually lost their light. Whenever Woo Hyunse was around, he would move, talk, and show vitality as if a switch had been turned on, but when alone, he would sit still with his eyes open like a machine with its power off.