LM 82

Nightmares became more and more frequent, waking him up in the middle of the night. Similar dreams continued like sequels. In one dream, Kwon Yuwon appeared dead, in another, he watched Woo Hyunse’s wedding as an uninvited guest.

When Kwon Siyul woke up gasping, Woo Hyunse would gently stroke wherever he could reach and kindly ask what dream he had. Each time, it made Kwon Siyul’s insides boil. The Woo Hyunse from his dreams, walking hand in hand with someone else amidst everyone’s blessings, overlapped with the real Woo Hyunse. Even his embrace became hateful, often resulting in Kwon Siyul pushing him away forcefully.

‘W-Why did you do that?’

He would complain resentfully, lying that Woo Hyunse had hit him in the dream and slapped his cheek like on the first day. Clutching at his clothes and shedding tears, he would cry out that he really hated hyung, and act almost like he was having a fit.

He never revealed that Woo Hyunse had abandoned him in a cold, dark place. He had already been rejected when he desperately asked Woo Hyunse not to marry. Knowing how firm that decision was, he knew being honest would only be treated as childish whining.

‘It’s just a dream.’

Each time, Woo Hyunse would tirelessly hold Kwon Siyul tight and comfort him. Even while buried in Woo Hyunse’s arms, Kwon Siyul felt cold. The chill that cut through him in his dreams pursued him into reality, tormenting him relentlessly.

Whether due to restless sleep from endless nightmares or his lost appetite, Kwon Siyul withered like a plant deprived of sunlight. His once rosy white skin took on a sickly pale hue, and his wrists thinned, bones protruding. His clothes became looser—without a belt, his pants would slip down to barely hang on his hips.

‘Why have you lost so much weight?’

‘I’m on a diet. I gained too much weight from all the tonics you made me drink.’

Though his emotions fluctuated at night, Kwon Siyul became surprisingly calm in the morning. He could pretend that everything was normal.

Even when he joked, Woo Hyunse didn’t laugh along. The worry and concern in his gaze and in the hand caressing Kwon Siyul’s cheek were unmistakable. Kwon Siyul forced out a smile. Momentarily unsure if he was actually smiling, he touched his mouth. Feeling the upturned corners of his lips, he was reassured.

‘I’m really not sick anywhere. It’s just winter, so I don’t have much appetite.’

Upon hearing this, Woo Hyunse immediately hired a housekeeper, someone known for their cooking skills. He had tried to hire one before, but Kwon Siyul had objected then, saying he was uncomfortable having someone else in the house when he was alone, and that he was eating the packed meals well, so there was no need to call someone in.

But this time, Kwon Siyul didn’t object. He had no opinion in regard to whatever Woo Hyunse did. He would just nod, or say “do as you like” as if none of this was his concern, quietly stepping back.

Though outwardly he smiled, reacted, and chatted at length, Kwon Siyul was quiet inside. It was like a dark forest where the blizzard had stopped, but snowflakes continued to swirl.

Kwon Siyul watched himself looking at Woo Hyunse as if watching a stranger in a movie. When alone, the water rose to just below his chin. If he didn’t lift his head, it felt like even his nose would be submerged. His hands, feet, legs, and body felt powerless, as if already soaked in water.

Kwon Siyul was slowly sinking. Like the place he sat in his dreams, into dark, cold water.

They had gone out to eat a few times, but it was mostly for dinner. It was rare to be in a car during the day. Kwon Siyul looked at the scenery passing by outside the window.

On the lunchtime streets, office workers in coats and padded jackets gathered in small groups, hurrying past with coffee in hand. Though he couldn’t know how they felt about returning to work, Kwon Siyul looked at them with slightly envious eyes. At least those with employee IDs around their necks earned money with their own hands and had a place to return to.

A place to return to.

He rubbed his face with both hands. He had another nightmare without fail this dawn. Though he should be used to it by now, perhaps because it was a dream, adaptation was rather slow. He woke up drenched from head to toe in cold sweat.

It was dawn, not yet light. Trying not to wake Woo Hyunse, who was sleeping beside him, he quietly went to the living room. After moistening his parched throat, he didn’t feel like returning to the bedroom and quietly sat on a kitchen chair. Even resting his head on the table and closing his eyes, sleep didn’t come easily.

As he was aimlessly following the movement of the second hand with his eyes, he sensed a presence behind him. Woo Hyunse was standing there, watching him, though Kwon Siyul didn’t know when he had arrived.

‘I came out quietly so I wouldn’t wake you, hyung.’

As Kwon Siyul smiled awkwardly, Woo Hyunse approached in one step and embraced him. His cheek pressed against a chest warmer than usual after sleep.

‘Why did you wake up?’

‘Just woke up thirsty.’

‘Another nightmare?’

‘…’

‘What nightmares do you have so often? Should we change your sleeping arrangements?’

A large hand suddenly touched his forehead. It brushed back his hair and rubbed his cheek and earlobe. Kwon Siyul’s eyes flickered drowsily at the gentle touch. Sleepiness suddenly washed over him. But fearing the nightmare might continue, he opened his eyes wide.

Woo Hyunse lifted Kwon Siyul into his arms like a child. Kwon Siyul relaxed his body, leaning against the firm chest as they returned to the bedroom.

The blanket came up to his neck. Woo Hyunse stretched out his arm as a pillow and patted Kwon Siyul’s chest as if putting a child to sleep. In his embrace, Kwon Siyul kept his eyes closed. Until Woo Hyunse’s breathing deepened. Despite the soft bed, Woo Hyunse’s comforting scent, and the soothing touch, sleep didn’t come easily.

“We’ve arrived.”

The bodyguard’s voice woke Kwon Siyul, who had been half-dozing. Rubbing his eyes, Kwon Siyul got out of the car. Following the bodyguard’s guidance, he stumbled into the elevator.

The elevator numbers rose quickly. Without stopping midway, it shot up to a high floor. Kwon Siyul walked down the corridor mechanically. He didn’t notice the color of the walls or what was hanging on them.

Finally entering the office, an employee busy at the desk stood up. Seeing the bodyguard behind Kwon Siyul, they said “Ah” and guided him, saying that they were waiting.

Kwon Siyul had no idea where this was or why he had come. Or rather, he didn’t care. Only when the door opened and he saw the scene inside did light slowly return to his unfocused eyes.

Unsure if what he was seeing was real, or if the vicious nightmare had shifted to reality to torment him in a different way, he rubbed his eyes hard. Only after blinking several times did he see the figures seated on the sofa.

Woo Hyunse stood up first. But Kwon Siyul’s gaze was drawn to the person who sprang up in front of him.

His face had lost so much weight, showing how much he had suffered while out of Kwon Siyul’s sight. His eyes looked sharper and fiercer, and his clothes hung loosely as if about to slip off. The wrist visible under his sleeve was so bony it looked like it would bruise from even the slightest touch.

His hair was longer too. Though tied back haphazardly as if bothersome, he still had a dazzling appearance. Kwon Siyul’s chin trembled at the strong scent of oranges wafting over.

“You…”

His voice shook too. His eyes grew hot, and tears fell without restraint. Seeing this, Kwon Yuwon rushed over and hugged Kwon Siyul tightly.

It was a suffocating embrace. Kwon Siyul hugged back just as fiercely. His cheeks were quickly soaked. He tried to suppress his sobs, but soon buried his face in Kwon Yuwon’s shoulder, shaking as he cried.

“You, what happened to you? Did that bastard not feed you? Why have you lost so much weight?”

Kwon Yuwon fired questions like bullets, lifting Kwon Siyul’s tear and snot-streaked face. He squished Kwon Siyul’s cheeks with the palm of his hands, then pinched them between his thumb and forefinger like rice cakes. He bumped their foreheads together, then pulled back to scrutinize him with narrowed eyes. He examined Kwon Siyul thoroughly, like inspecting a kitten that had run away and just returned home.

The word “bastard” bothered Kwon Siyul briefly, but he was too busy looking at Kwon Yuwon. He wanted to ask why Kwon Yuwon had lost so much weight too, and what he had been up to, but he couldn’t speak a word through his tears and sniffles.

When he opened his mouth, only hiccuping sobs came out. In the past, Kwon Yuwon might have scolded him for crying like a girl, but given how long they’d been apart, Kwon Yuwon’s eyes were also red similar to Kwon Siyul’s.

“I told you. You lose weight so easily if you skip meals, so you need to eat three meals a day without fail. What is this? You’re all skin and bones. Hey you, didn’t you feed him?”

Kwon Yuwon glared fiercely at Woo Hyunse. Kwon Siyul shook his head vigorously. He wanted to explain about the tonics, packed lunches, and even the housekeeper that had been provided abundantly, but his crying was the problem. Instead of words, Kwon Siyul rubbed his wet eyes all over Kown Yuwon’s shoulder.

Unable to watch anymore, Woo Hyunse strode over and separated the two who were stuck together. He pulled Kwon Siyul to his side and carefully wiped his wet face with a handkerchief. Park Hae-jeong, who had been sitting on the sofa waiting for a chance to intervene, turned away as if not wanting to witness such a scene.