LM 92

He placed the backpack near the entrance. Though small, it was bulging as if ready to burst. Kwon Siyul glanced in the direction of the study. For a moment there, he felt the urge to take the wedding invitation with him. But what use would it be to take something without even a proper date written on it? He hoped Woo Hyunse would give it to him in person later. Using that as an excuse to see him at least twice more.

Kwon Siyul took the box out of the shopping bag and placed it on the living room table. As he had asked for special care, they had even tied a red ribbon on top of the box. It was perfect as a gift for Woo Hyunse. He hoped the other man would like it.

The plan was simple. Give the gift, express his gratitude for everything, and say goodbye to this house and Woo Hyunse. Simple and clean. Although Woo Hyunse might try to keep him here like before, strangely, he felt certain that that possibility was low.

Hadn’t he done it a few times already? Kwon Siyul knew that Woo Hyunse wasn’t the type to repeat the same act twice, especially not holding back someone who said they wanted to leave.

Kwon Siyul sat on the sofa and waited endlessly. There were several text alerts and calls on his phone, but he completely ignored them. He didn’t turn on the TV either. Occasionally, he looked around, imprinting in his mind the space where he had stayed.

Memories were attached to every spot in this house. The dining table, the sink, the large window in the living room, the sofa he sat on, and even the rug on the floor. Woo Hyunse had smiled, cooked, held him, and slowly he had walked with his feet on top of his, as if cradling a child.

‘Am I not heavy?’

‘Not at all.’

‘You’re lying.’

‘It’s true.’

Kwon Siyul had never indulged in such childish behavior even at the orphanage. Sometimes on the way back from school, he had secretly watched adults walking with children smaller than him on their feet in the playground. Even when he tried to get down, Woo Hyunse would hug his waist, telling him to stay a bit longer.

“…”

The days had grown slightly longer since the winter solstice. But that didn’t mean night wouldn’t come. The sunset passed, twilight settled in, and pitch-black curtains were draped over the windows. Kwon Siyul didn’t turn on the lights. He dozed off briefly while waiting.

He startled awake at the sound of the keypad being pressed. The door opened with the familiar mechanical sound. The scent he had smelled so often, yet never tired of, wafted in strongly. He was no longer curious about the name of the cologne. Woo Hyunse’s body scent was his perfume.

“Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

Skipping greetings and getting straight to the point—typical Woo Hyunse. Kwon Siyul smiled faintly, remembering their early phone conversations. It was strange that he could smile despite his head being full of what he needed to do now.

Seeing that Kwon Siyul had gotten up, Woo Hyunse turned on the living room lights. He looked at Kwon Siyul, then noticed the backpack at his feet and slightly furrowed his brow. He turned his head toward Kown Siyul as if demanding an explanation for why it was there.

“Hyung,” Kwon Siyul called, pushing the gift on the table toward him. “This is a gift for you. I should have given it to you earlier, but I’m giving it to you now.”

“Suddenly? My birthday passed a while ago, and just your heart is enough for me, Kwon Siyul.”

“I put my heart into it too. So please open it quickly.”

Kwon Siyul urged again. Woo Hyunse reluctantly approached and sat on the sofa. He looked alternately at Kwon Siyul and the gift with a suspicious expression on his face. When he insisted he open it quickly, the other man slowly unwrapped it. As he lifted the lid of the box, his expression subtly hardened.

“…Shoes?”

“I ruined your shoes before, remember? I wanted to buy the exact same ones, but they weren’t available in Korea. So I bought something similar.”

“Why now?”

“Shall I put them on for you?”

Woo Hyunse stared intently at Kwon Siyul as if trying to discern his intention. Keeping the smile on his lips, he knelt on one knee in front of Woo Hyunse. He took out one shoe from the box, held Woo Hyunse’s foot, and gently slipped it in. Inserting his fingers into the heel, he helped his foot fully into the shoe, his large foot disappearing inside.

Then Kwon Siyul took out the other one and put it on him as well. Though not as luxurious as the first pair he had seen, the clean design suited Woo Hyunse well.

“Hyung.”

Placing his hand on the knee before him, he looked up at Woo Hyunse. Kwon Siyul etched his dark eyes and features into his memory. It was a bit disappointing to see his face devoid of joy or even a formal smile despite receiving the gift.

“Thank you for everything until now.”

Woo Hyunse got to his feet abruptly. His downward gaze was cold. Even his scent turned sharp like a winter wind. Kwon Siyul straightened up from his kneeling position and faced him calmly.

“I’ll be leaving now.”

“Leaving?”

Kwon Siyul simply nodded his head. This was what he should have done when he saw Woo Hyunse at the concert, the moment he had heard about his marriage. Liking the feeling of being held, he had stayed by Woo Hyunse’s side, making various excuses and deceiving even himself. He had dragged it on for too long. It was time to sort things out.

“Who said you could?”

In the blink of an eye, a large hand grabbed his collar and pulled him close. His nose wrinkled like a beast baring its fangs. It would be a lie to say he wasn’t scared, but compared to their first meeting where he had cried his eyes out, he wasn’t really frightened now. Even if Woo Hyunse were to strangle him to death right here, fear wouldn’t be the emotion he’d feel.

The days when death was the most terrifying thing had passed. Kwon Siyul had learned this time that there were things in the world more frightening than that.

“As you said, I’ve been staying at home until now. Not going anywhere, just being by your side. Now it’s your turn to listen to me.”

With his heels lifted, even while choking, Kwon Siyul spoke his words clearly. Though he hadn’t prepared a speech ahead of time, the sentences flowed smoothly as if they had been simmering in his mind for a long time.

“You went on a trip and gave a gift just to say this? I didn’t think you were the type, Kwon Siyul, but you’re good at playing with people. Pretending to be all better, getting their hopes up, then pushing them to the ground.”

“No. I’ve never played with you, hyung. I’ve always been sincere. On this trip, before that, and even now, I’ve been nothing but sincere.”

“…”

The hand that grabbed his collar slowly lost its strength. He coughed roughly and covered his neck. Woo Hyunse’s hand, which had come up to check on him, clenched into a fist and went back down.

“Then why.”

“…”

“I think I’ve told you before. Tell me if you need a house, a building, or a car. I can give you anything. Tell me, why are you doing this??”

“I don’t need any of that. There’s only one thing I want. I want to stop now.”

“You said you liked me.”

“That has nothing to do with it.”

“Or is it because of the wedding?”

He closed his mouth. Woo Hyunse’s chest swelled and then deflated like a balloon.

“Just because of that.”

“Just?”

Kwon Siyul opened his eyes wide. It wasn’t just that to him. It was a significant event in which a new family legally bound to Woo Hyunse was being created. Someone like him, an orphan, was doing something with someone else that he could never have dreamed of while being with Woo Hyunse.

His eyes were hot. Kwon Siyul clenched his fists and dug his nails into his palms. Fortunately, no tears flowed when he dug them in until they stung. Instead of the tears he had pushed below his eyes, a hollow laugh came out.

“Is marriage just that to you, hyung? It’s not for me. It can’t be.”

“That’s how everyone lives. Dating separately, marrying separately. They take everything they can get and pretend not to know, so why can’t you do that, Siyul?”

“I don’t want to live like that.”

“Then, should I call off the engagement?”

There was no answer. He didn’t even make the lip service of asking for time. He just silently looked down at him. He knew that no matter how much he prayed, Woo Hyunse would never call off the engagement, but the words he had uttered himself became a knife and painfully cut his chest as if the wedding invitation he had accidentally opened had scratched his fingers.

Kwon Siyul stared blankly at Woo Hyunse. Even though he didn’t want to know, he could see the significance of the other person’s feelings and how much weight it had. Woo Hyunse was heavy to him, sometimes even more than gravity. But it wasn’t the same for Woo Hyunse.

At least, he was lighter than the weight he carried. Or maybe he was as light as a feather. How many relationships and subsequent breakups had he had? He might be just one person on that list who would be crossed out with a red line.

Tears finally overflowed from his eyes. They crossed his cheeks, pooled on his chin, and then dripped down.

Woo Hyunse grabbed Kwon Siyul’s wrist as he wiped away his tears with his sleeve. Kwon Siyul shook him off with all his might.

“So, this is the end for us.”

Brusquely wiping away the tears that kept flowing despite his efforts, Kwon Siyul glared, blood vessels stark in his eyes. Woo Hyunse’s scent washed over him—a complex mix of murderous intent, anger, the frustration of being unable to harm him, and a precarious patience. Kwon Siyul didn’t cower and shrink back as he used to.

Woo Hyunse loosened the collar of his shirt, which had no tie. Unable to easily calm his emotions, he bowed his head, sighed deeply as if trying to cave in the floor, and rubbed the space between his eyebrows with his thumb and forefinger.

“Think about it again.”

“It’s over.”

“I haven’t ended it.”

“I have.”

Kwon Siyul took one step. On the second step, Woo Hyunse grabbed his wrist. Twisting his arm, trying to shake him off—nothing worked.