LM 93

“Listen to me.”

“Let go of me.”

“Kwon Siyul.”

The voice calling his name was low and calm as if dealing with a particularly stubborn child. Woo Hyunse remained unshaken even in this type of situation. Only Kwon Siyul’s emotions were running wild. That stark difference ignited a fire in Kwon Siyul’s core.

“―We!”

His breathing was labored. He rubbed his eyes roughly with his free hand and looked at Woo Hyunse. The whites of his eyes, brimming with tears, were flushed red.

“We, hyung. From the beginning, we were unbalanced. When there’s no balance, it’s bound to collapse eventually.”

Both love and circumstances. They had been struggling on a seesaw that would eventually topple to one side. Woo Hyunse’s marriage was just a catalyst that came early, but it would have met its end on some future day.

“I’m not going to like you anymore, hyung.”

It was more of a resolution to himself than words meant for the other man. Liking him until now had been enough. Human emotions didn’t cut off cleanly like slicing radish, but he no longer wanted to suffer. Woo Hyunse was once like a drug to him. While taking it brought momentary ecstasy, the pain that followed seared through his flesh.

If it was an addiction, he had to break free from it. He didn’t want to suffer by his side anymore.

Unable to face Woo Hyunse directly, Kwon Siyul twisted his head and tried to pull his arm away. Woo Hyunse, who had been unresponsive so far, refused to let go of Kwon Siyul’s wrist.

“Don’t go.”

That simple phrase caught him off guard. The tears he had managed to hold back welled up again. He wanted to collapse right then and there. He wished he could stay by Woo Hyunse’s side, even if just as a plant. But he couldn’t. He was tired of going around in circles.

“Let go.”

“This is the last time. Don’t go.”

His heart sank at the word “last.” Looking back, Woo Hyunse had stopped and held onto him many times. After repeating the same thing so many times, anyone, not just Woo Hyunse, would have grown weary.

Kwon Siyul gazed at Woo Hyunse blankly, not showing how sunken his heart was. While the other man’s scent still rolled like distant ocean waves, his expression remained impassive. It meant that he was serious.

Kwon Siyul took Woo Hyunse’s hand with his own. As he wrapped his palm around the other’s wrist, the fingers loosened. Only after the grip that had felt like shackles was released did Kwon Siyul lower his hand. Despite his reddened eyes and falling tears, he looked straight at Woo Hyunse. Woo Hyunse, who had been about to reach out once more, slowly withdrew his arm after meeting Kwon Siyul’s gaze.

“I’m going.”

He slung the backpack he had left by the entrance over his shoulder, walking past Woo Hyunse. He crammed his feet into the worn sneakers he had set out ahead of time and grasped the doorknob. There was no sound coming from behind him. He hesitated for a moment, wanting to see that face, but didn’t look back.

Kwon Siyul soon opened the door and stepped outside. The end he had long imagined in his head felt terribly empty.

After taking the elevator and leaving the building, Kwon Siyul never once looked back. Feeling as if someone was chasing after him, he quickened his pace unnecessarily. He crossed the main road, passed the bus stop where he should have stopped, and only slowed his steps when he reached the middle of the bridge he used to cross often in the past.

Though he hadn’t run, he was out of breath. He held his knees, catching his ragged breath, then slowly straightened up. The headlights of cars crossing the road illuminated the faint snowflakes floating in the air. The weather forecast that had flashed on the electronic billboard had been accurate.

Although it was the weather he had wanted, Kwon Siyul wasn’t entirely happy. Water surrounded him, but this wasn’t an island. Nor was it the small villa where he had stayed alone with Woo Hyunse.

He thought he would feel relieved after leaving that house, that his chest would open up as if finally freed from ropes binding him, but strangely, he felt nothing. His insides still felt heavy and stuffy.

There had been no goodbye.

He had expected to hear at least a word of farewell.

He already regretted not looking back at the end. He should have shamelessly etched in his memory what expression Woo Hyunse wore as he watched him leave. If Woo Hyunse had his back turned, he should have burned that image into his memory.

The eyes that the cold wind had cooled began to heat up again. Before tears could form, he roughly rubbed his stinging nose and eyes with his arm. Then he lowered his hand to his chest and pounded it with his fist. Though his solar plexus felt tight, it was his heart that hurt the most. Worried he had hit too hard, he also rubbed it firmly with his palm. But the pain like indigestion wouldn’t subside no matter what.

Kwon Siyul gripped the bridge railing, then slowly sank down. His legs, which had walked non-stop, now throbbed. But the pain in his legs was insignificant compared to elsewhere.

“…”

His hand slipped down from the railing. He slumped completely onto the ground, hanging his head low. He pressed his hands to his cheeks, which stung from the lashing wind. Though his face had been dry when he left Woo Hyunse’s house and as he walked here, it was now wet again.

He tried to wipe it, but knowing the act was utterly useless, he lowered his arm. Snowflakes and tears fell in dots on the ground. Kwon Siyul’s shoulders shook slightly. Though he held his breath and clenched his lips, the droplets that gathered at the tip of his nose and fell to the ground didn’t stop.

If he had known it would hurt this much, he would have liked him less. If he had given just a little less of his heart, it wouldn’t have hurt this much.

Now he had nowhere to go, no one to come for him, no one waiting for him. The sound he had been suppressing burst out. Kwon Siyul curled up and cried loudly like a lost child.

* * *

After sitting there feeling empty, he trudged to the inn. He couldn’t think of anywhere else suitable to stay. In truth, he just wanted to collapse and sleep on any floor.

Fortunately, he had been paying rent to store his belongings. Too tired to clean the dusty floor, he threw his backpack in a corner of the room and just flopped down. He clumsily spread out the folded blanket, covered himself, and curled up.

Though his mind was blank, strangely, sleep didn’t come easily. He lay motionless in one position in the still-cold room, waiting for the sleep that wouldn’t come.

He finally managed to close his eyes near dawn. But it didn’t last long. He woke to the sound of rustling from the next room as someone prepared to leave. Though it was now morning, the light outside was dim. The snow hadn’t stopped yet.

“Ah shit, the weather’s fucking awful.”

A man cursed roughly from beyond the wall that provided no soundproofing whatsoever. Kwon Siyul lifted his heavy, puffy eyelids with difficulty and opened the window slightly. Snowflakes passing through the hole-ridden screen melted the moment they touched Kwon Siyul’s face. He coughed dryly from the cold and closed the window.

He picked up his phone. After hesitating, he turned on the power he had switched off. There were only a few spam messages and no other contacts. Not even a missed call.

Though he had pushed away and walked out on his own, he couldn’t help but recall those words about it being the last time.

His nose stung. It could be from the cold wind scraping the inside of his nose like a blade. He sniffled needlessly and burrowed into the blanket.

At times like this, it would be nice if Kwon Yuwon were beside him. At least then he could think of nothing while listening to nagging.

Yet he knew asking Kwon Yuwon for help was out of the question. Now there was no one to help him. It was a burden he would have to bear alone.

But even the brain needed energy to function. Right now, he couldn’t think of anything. Like an animal suddenly abandoned in a vast plain after being caged in a small, narrow pen for a very long time, Kwon Siyul couldn’t even get his bearings on where he was or what he should do next.

It should be okay to rest for just one day.

Just one day.

He was tired, weary, and exhausted. Though he hadn’t done anything, it was difficult to move even a finger. His insides felt empty. It seemed like he had poured out all his moisture last night on the bridge, while walking here, not even one drop remaining.

His throat was dry. Kwon Siyul swallowed saliva instead of water and forced his eyes shut. He didn’t care whether sleep came or not. He just wanted to escape reality.

The first day, he did nothing. He woke up in between, roughly quenched his thirst with tap water, and crawled back under the blanket. It was only when morning turned to day, day to night, night to dawn, and then back to morning that Kwon Siyul finally rose groggily from his bed. Ridiculously, he was hungry. When he was at Woo Hyunse’s house, even putting something in his mouth had been an ordeal.

That was the second day. Kwon Siyul checked his bank balance. A large sum had been withdrawn to buy a gift for Woo Hyunse. Still, thanks to his savings, he had enough to live on for a few days.

He roughly put on a padded jacket over his clothes and went to a nearby convenience store to buy some food. As he picked up the cheapest bottled water from the refrigerator section, a familiar drink bottle caught his eye.

“…”

Kwon Siyul bit his lip and quickly grabbed the water. He deliberately avoided looking in that direction. Pushing back the memories that surged like a tide, he returned to the inn.

Three days, four days, and then five days passed in that manner. Nothing happened during that time. The face that had appeared repeatedly in his dreams was absent from reality. No messages, let alone calls.

Kwon Siyul didn’t contact him either. But in the dead of night, when sleep briefly fled due to excessive napping during the day, Woo Hyunse invariably came to mind. Though he would hold his phone and bring up that contact, he never pressed the call button. Kwon Siyul was doing everything he could to keep true to his declaration that he would no longer like him.