LM 98

He put the cigarette back between his fingers and looked at Kang Jiwon. His eyes narrowed, and his gaze became dreamy right then, as if he were already drunk or picturing something else in his head.

“Siyul was originally…”

The words were muffled by the cigarette between his teeth. Though she asked “What?” Woo Hyunse fell silent for a moment there. The gray ash grew long. Before it could fall on the table, he took out a napkin and tapped the ash onto it.

“It’s something I never thought I’d see—you heartbroken over a failed romance.”

“When did I ever…”

Even though his face was clearly gaunt from emotional distress, he insisted on keeping up appearances until the very end. Rather than finding it annoying, Kang Jiwon looked at him sympathetically, like a child who didn’t understand his own feelings and was trying to maintain his pride. The reason why Kwon Siyul left was clear to her as a third party, but it seemed Woo Hyunse still didn’t want to admit it.

“I’ve sometimes wondered: has the CEO ever truly loved someone with all his heart? Or will that day ever come?”

“I’ve dated, haven’t I?”

“Do you really think that was dating? It was just playing house.”

Even if he said they were dating, even if they spent time together, it was hard to call it dating if emotions weren’t involved. Kang Jiwon started to wonder what all those things Woo Hyunse had done until now, those things called ‘dating,’ really were. Though they were labeled as dating, the emotions shared were as shallow as a stream.

Something you could let go of anytime without regret, without getting hurt, where the empty space could be easily filled again.

“What’s the difference?”

Kang Jiwon crossed her arms and looked at Woo Hyunse. She didn’t want to bring up past events, but it seemed like she needed to spoon-feed him for him to understand even a little.

“When we broke up. Could you live without me?”

“Yes.”

Not even a moment’s hesitation. The time to feel hurt by that had long since passed. Kang Jiwon continued, “And when you broke up with the others?”

“Why wouldn’t I be able to move on?”

“Then what about Siyul?”

“Of course…”

“Can you live well without Kwon Siyul?”

It seemed like he was about to answer “Yes.” But though his lips parted, no sound came out of them. It seemed stuck in his throat or on the tip of his tongue. He tried to spit it out several times, but just couldn’t manage it.

“…Yeah.”

He downed the half-full glass of alcohol and answered along with it. His voice lacked strength. Woo Hyunse fiddled with the glass, staring down at the empty vessel. As if someone’s face was reflected in it.

“If you feel like you can’t live without them, think about it one more time.”

Woo Hyunse stared blankly. There was a question mark floating in his eyes.

“What that means….”

Even though Kang Jiwon had laid out the answer sheet for him, if he couldn’t understand, that was his own shortcoming. The consultation ended here. Ignoring his gaze that seemed to want to ask more, Kang Jiwon put the bottle of alcohol back in its place.

* * *

Sleep wouldn’t come. After staring blankly at the ceiling, Woo Hyunse realized morning had arrived when dawn light filled the room. Days followed in succession where he’d get up mechanically, go to work, come home, and try but fail to sleep.

Even if he drank heavily, far from getting drunk, he’d only end up with a sour stomach and a hangover. Exercise didn’t help either. Woo Hyunse even got sleeping pills prescribed. Though he’d fall asleep like passing out, he’d be groggy all day and have a splitting headache, so after taking them once, he shoved them into a drawer.

Memories surfaced no matter where he looked. There wasn’t a place where Kwon Siyul’s hands hadn’t touched or his feet hadn’t stepped.

Kwon Siyul would lie on his stomach by the window, spreading out tiny puzzle pieces, wiggling his legs as he put them together. When things didn’t go as he wanted, he’d occasionally furrow his long, straight eyebrows. He’d bite his lower lip, twirling different pieces between his fingers before fitting them into gaps. And when a piece fitted perfectly, he’d smile so brightly it outshone light itself, his eyes crinkling at the corners.

Woo Hyunse had thought changing the furniture arrangement might help, but it didn’t. He even ordered new sofas and tables but changed his mind a day later. He didn’t really want to replace them. He made excuses that they were still usable.

Thinking it might be better if he didn’t see his house, he moved to a hotel. It was a somewhat better choice. In the new space, he could sleep reasonably well. However, that didn’t last even two full days. He was back to square one before long. Even if he managed to doze off, he’d wake up suddenly feeling particularly cold. Realizing no one was leaning on his outstretched arm, his drowsiness would vanish instantly.

He couldn’t sleep either way. His nerves grew increasingly sharp. He became irritable over things he would have laughed off before. Everyone around him asked why he had become so sensitive. When they inquired in unison if he had always been this prickly, he often didn’t answer them. The only response he had at the ready was profanity.

Even to Woo Jihye, the youngest, he couldn’t speak kindly. He either ignored her calls or, if he answered, his first question was why she had called unnecessarily.

“Oppa, you’re acting strange.”

They were gathered together at the family home that day. Woo Jihye approached cautiously and pouted as she grumbled.

He wanted to skip it, but feeling guilty about hurting Woo Jihye’s feelings, he came despite the hassle. Before entering, he had suppressed his fluctuating mood with chain-smoking, but thinking about seeing the Woo sisters made his anger rise again.

It was because he couldn’t sleep last night either. If he had known, he would have taken sleeping pills and slept anyway.

“Me?”

“Yeah. Is something going on these days?”

“There’s always something going on.”

He was about to drink coffee but clicked his tongue and put the cup down. They must clearly see his sleepless complexion, yet the hospitality was poor. He rubbed his face, partly to hide his furrowed brow, then belatedly remembered that he had ordered this coffee himself.

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“Then…”

“—I didn’t sleep well yesterday, so when I talked to you, I was in a bad state from tossing and turning. I’m going to catch a quick nap. I’ll be fine then.”

He looked at Woo Jihye, trying not to be rude. It was a voice he had tried to make gentle, but Woo Jihye’s eyes clouded with dissatisfaction as if it didn’t sound that way to her. He had no patience to soothe her. He leaned back against the chair and closed his eyes. Sleep, of course, didn’t come right then.

He opened his eyes at the sound of footsteps entering the living room. It turned out to be Woo Gibbeum. She said she had sent her noisy nephews and husband to Hawaii, where her in-laws were.

While he could tolerate Woo Jihye, seeing Woo Gippeum’s face suddenly made him want to hit something. He wished there was a punching bag in front of him. Or at least someone to beat up.

“Did something happen to you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Something happened, you bastard.”

“Fuck…”

He usually doesn’t swear in front of his sisters. Woo Jihye’s shoulders jerked as she stared with wide eyes at him. Regardless, Woo Hyunse just pressed his throbbing eyelids with his hands.

“Don’t bother me. Just stay quiet and leave.”

“What’s this? Are you in rut?”

He stared silently. If he could, he wanted to break that neck. It was a murderous intent he hadn’t felt in a long time. It was fortunate that everyone else here was beta—if even one person had sensed his energy, they would have sat down trembling like a mouse. Only Woo Jihye, sensitive like a rabbit even though she was a beta, sensed Woo Hyunse’s chilling aura and grabbed her sister’s arm.

“Don’t fight. Dad will be here soon.”

Woo Gippeum, who had been about to flare up, took a step back. Woo Hyunse didn’t want to cause trouble at the family home either. It would only increase the time for nagging.

Soon after, the patriarch appeared with a fake cough. Despite Secretary Yoon saying he had cold symptoms, his complexion looked at least more vigorous than Woo Hyunse’s. If he was going to be sick, he should have come dramatically in a wheelchair with an IV in his arm. Seeing him look healthier than himself made Woo Hyunse’s stomach churn.

“Why is the atmosphere like this? And why do you look like that?”

He pointed at Woo Hyunse and inevitably said something. He tried to smile as usual, but his facial muscles wouldn’t let the corners of his mouth rise. To hide his awkward expression, which was neither a smile nor expressionless, he pretended to drink coffee.

“I’m not feeling well.”

“Young man not taking care of himself.”

He clicks his tongue disapprovingly. Woo Hyunse lowered his head, pretending not to hear. His nerves were focused on suppressing the energy that kept trying to rise sharply.

“Well, I heard from Assemblyman Kim. You’re getting married this year, he says. Why should I hear such good news from him? It would be nice if you reported it to me immediately. Living away from home has made you lose your mind.”

“…”

“Seohee is really a good and decent girl. These days, kids selfishly refuse to have children, but Seohee, bless her, says she’ll have a child right after marriage. When a child comes, even if you stray, it’s the mother’s presence that brings you back.”

At those words, Woo Gippeum tightly clenched her hand resting on her thigh. Her expression remained calm. Although Woo Hyunse saw this right in front of him, he just lowered his eyes silently.

“If you just keep her in check, she’ll take care of that Yang Hyedong officetel situation herself. Everyone has a flaw or two, after all.”

As the lecture continued, Woo Hyunse thought about other things. Otherwise, he felt like he might jump up and leave right away, even if the patriarch hit the back of his head with a golf club. Things to finish today, issues to resolve this week, returning to the hotel after leaving here, imagining lying on the bed and closing his eyes, and then…

Kwon Siyul.