TIN 122

Though he was openly condescending, it didn’t matter at all. I wasn’t in a position to feel hurt by his suddenly arrogant attitude, and I actually found Kei’s behavior amusing. Acting like a friend in the back alleys, maintaining formality at parties, and now being obnoxious in a place like this.

I didn’t answer. I just nodded my head to show I understood and turned away. Though he seemed very drunk, it would be troublesome if he recognized my voice.

“…Jaewon-ssi, is it okay to just give away something like that?”

I heard them whispering behind me. When the woman apologetically offered to get him another watch, Kei laughed carelessly, telling her not to worry about it. I pretended not to hear the embarrassing moans that followed.

So it looked like he was seeing women these days. This unexpected observation somehow put me at ease. Though he only chose men at Oceans, it seems his taste had changed now. Knowing his criteria for choosing people, this change actually felt welcome.

“Handing out business cards so freely.”

As soon as I got outside, I tore up the business card with its familiar number and threw it away. Though I still remembered the phone number, I wouldn’t have any reason to contact him. All I needed was the expensive watch I’d lucked out on.

Live well, Kei. Let’s never meet again.

This farewell, fitting for an enemy, was my own way of showing consideration. Kei had quit his business and I was leaving the alleys, so we probably wouldn’t run into each other again. So all I could do was wish him well.

***

Since wearing sunglasses at night looked suspicious, I spent time in deserted places until sunrise. I dozed off briefly on benches and pretended to smoke while hiding in alleyways, but fortunately, it being summer, the sun rose early.

I decided to wear the watch I got from Kei for now. After removing two links from the band using an earring I’d picked up, it fit reasonably well on my left wrist. I rolled up my sleeves to show the watch, and unbuttoned one more shirt button for an overall casual appearance.

The reason for wearing the watch was simple. Having an expensive item would draw less suspicion than just decent clothes alone. One’s appearance and possessions were crucial elements in determining others’ impressions.

So I first looked for a women’s clothing store. The employee who greeted me mechanically changed their attitude 180 degrees after seeing my face and the watch on my wrist. Their enthusiastic attempt to introduce every product in the store made even me want to shrink away.

Since I had no eye for choosing clothes, I bought exactly what the mannequin was wearing from head to toe. I was a bit flustered when the employee asked about size, but fortunately, they were more professional than I expected. They said they could help if I just told them the height and build of the gift recipient, and even offered exchanges if it didn’t fit.

The clothes I bought weren’t as expensive as I’d thought. Well, they were expensive, but not beyond what I could afford with the money I had. If I hadn’t recovered the ticket money, I would’ve been left empty-handed. At this point, meeting that scammer had been a stroke of luck.

I received thank-yous from the employee five times and was escorted to the entrance by three staff members. Though I didn’t think I’d bought that many items, it seemed the watch on my wrist had that much influence in the end.

Next, I went to a wig shop. Unlike the previous store, this shop maintained an indifferent attitude throughout. The woman manning the counter, probably the owner, didn’t ask me anything when I bought a long-haired wig, only explaining how to maintain it.

I decided to keep using the sunglasses I had. Buying new ones wouldn’t be difficult, but it would be troublesome if they asked me to try them on.

Instead, or perhaps as a substitute, I bought a lipstick at a cosmetics store at the end. While I’d gotten by with just sunglasses until now, I felt I needed more embellishment for my disguise while riding the train. Choosing the color was another challenge, but like at the clothing store, when I said it was a gift for my girlfriend, the employee helpfully picked one out.

By the time I finished all the shopping, it was lunchtime. It was about time to feel hungry, and my tightly bound ankle was starting to hurt. After forcing myself to walk normally, now my posture was bent forward with every step.

“Whew…”

I needed to find lodging first.

Maybe it was from lack of sleep, or from twisting my ankle. I had a slight fever. The low fever made my body languid, and I was even feeling sleepy, leaving my head in a constant state of fog.

So as I was walking slowly, something caught my eye. Specifically, a large advertisement on a store window. On a poster for soft contact lenses that claimed to be comfortable for long-term wear, there was a familiar woman’s face.

‘I’m fine, but it would be troublesome for her if rumors spread.’

It was that woman who had been kissing Kei. Though I couldn’t see clearly in the dark, the general features were very similar. Despite usually being bad at remembering faces, this one had particularly stuck with me for personal reasons.

“…”

She was a celebrity. No wonder she gave me an expensive watch to shut me up.

“…I did something stupid.”

What if I had decided to blackmail them? If they really wanted to keep me quiet, they should have taken my information instead of giving me their card. Was it because he was drunk? Toward the end, he made an uncharacteristically stupid decision.

I stared at the woman in the photo for a while longer. Specifically, at her clearly outlined eyes. When I finally moved on, I habitually pushed up my sunglasses.

***

Since I had money left after buying what I needed, I spent every last bit on a decent hotel.

Though my life savings disappeared overnight, I felt nothing particular about it. I just thought the cost of getting to the sea was quite expensive, that was all.

I handled meals with food bought outside. I purchased things that looked good, but strangely felt nauseous before eating even half. Though I tried to force myself to finish everything, nausea surged after just two bites.

“Ugh…”

It was the first time since drinking that spoiled water. I threw up everything I’d eaten and dry heaved for a while from the churning feeling in my stomach. When I finally managed to rinse my mouth and come out, I had to vomit once more due to the smell of leftover food.

“…Damn, what a waste.”

Having no choice but to give up on eating, I decided to wash up first.

The hotel, where one room cost more than the clothes, had everything prepared from shower supplies to soft robes. As I soaked in warm water, I realized once again that money could buy anything.

I filled the bathtub and fully submerged myself. Lying still in the water seemed to finally calm my churning stomach. The fatigue that had built up also felt like it was melting away.

That was why it happened. The true feelings I’d been holding back suddenly slipped out. A faint whisper mixed with a thin sigh.

“…This is hard.”

Eventually, there would be an end to all this. Tomorrow I would reach the sea and fulfill one of my lifelong wishes. Though it was different from what I’d imagined, maybe I could find that person there.

But thinking that far made me suddenly anxious. What if, just what if, that person wasn’t there either? If even after retracing our life together, I couldn’t achieve my final goal.

Then I…

“…”

I slid down into the tub. Air bubbles escaped from my mouth as I submerged my head and face. In my ears, where I felt only gentle ripples without any noise, I heard Joo Do-hwa’s words from before.

‘Since that day.’

‘…’

‘I dream of drowning in the sea.’

I couldn’t give the same response I had back then. Because the moment I spoke it aloud, an inexplicable emptiness would set in. The emptiness of realizing that the future I’d only vaguely imagined might actually be worthless.

So I just closed my eyes and relaxed my body. Though I had to hold my breath for a long time, it felt comfortable rather than uncomfortable. I wished time would stop like this. Enough to hope vaguely even with the sea right before me.

***

The night at the hotel wasn’t as cozy as I’d thought it would be. The rustling bedding was too unfamiliar, and the robe wrapping my body was unnecessarily soft. The room temperature was too low, perhaps from incorrectly setting the air conditioning, but I couldn’t figure out how to adjust it so I didn’t touch anything all night.

Of course, I slept well. My body, limp like water-soaked cotton, plunged me into deep sleep the moment I closed my eyes. I seemed to dream on and off, but couldn’t remember the details clearly. Only a vague feeling of longing remained.

And so arrived the morning of the train’s departure.