BHB 116

“…Since you ran away because you didn’t want to see my face, I should avoid you as much as possible.”

“……”

“That would make you comfortable.”

All his emotions were contained in that sigh-mixed, curt tone.

He had been giving his own form of consideration. He clearly still thought that Yeowon found him horrible. He seemed to know full well that his feelings were a burden to Yeowon. He had been avoiding him, thinking Yeowon would find it difficult to look at his face.

A complicated feeling washed over him. Somehow, Taegang’s feelings for him, which had lasted over ten years, even felt pitiful, making his heart conflicted. More precisely, he felt upset. And he knew him too well. If Taegang had continued to act as usual, he probably would have regarded him solely as a family-like friend until his death, keeping him firmly by his side.

Yeowon quietly looked at his back as he turned away. He unconsciously raised his hand toward his injured back. The moment he was about to touch his back as he turned around again, Taegang, who flinched at even the slightest contact, roughly grabbed his wrist and pushed him against the wall.

“Ugh.”

His back hurt from hitting the marble wall, but he didn’t feel the pain. Seeing his face looking so strained, he froze, unable to do anything.

“…Don’t touch me.”

“……”

“…Because even your meaningless touch might drive me crazy.”

Even as he said this, his gaze was full of intense desire. His slightly bloodshot eyes and the hand gripping his wrist were trembling faintly. Yeowon, trapped between the wall and him with only his wrist held, just breathed heavily.

A strange tension filled the air, making him dizzy. Right in front of him were his lips, exhaling even rougher breaths than his own. His lips were moist from being emotionally agitated, and Yeowon raised his gaze as he felt increasingly strange. There, he met Taegang’s eyes, staring down at him intently. With their proximity close enough to see even a single bloodshot vein, Yeowon’s pulse raced alarmingly fast.

“……”

“……”

The silence, broken only by their breathing, created an even more peculiar tension, but words wouldn’t come easily. He couldn’t muster any strength in his body. That’s when it happened. After exhaling a long sigh like an exclamation, he leaned his forehead on his shoulder as if exhausted. As Yeowon’s shoulder stiffened like a rock at the sudden contact, a low voice flowed precisely into his ear.

“…I like you.”

He couldn’t tell how many times it had been. How many times had Taegang confessed to him like this? The emotions he felt each time were different, but this time was particularly distinctive. The feeling of sinking deeply into mud. The sensation of sticky mucus seeping into his heart vessels, constricting them.

Yeowon’s chest heaved as he struggled to breathe. His breath directly touched his neck area, and his scent vibrated right in front of him.

“…I shouldn’t even dream, as you said.” His words, murmured softly as if talking to himself, were clear. As he slowly raised his head, their gazes met directly. From a distance close enough for their noses to almost touch, Taegang, with narrowed brows and a slightly trembling lower lip, spoke once more with intensity, “Even though I know you dislike me now, and everything is different from before…”

“……”

“Even though I know all that… shit.” He cursed softly under his breath and continued as if his insides were burning. “…Just once.”

“……”

“…Can’t you look at me, just once?”

It was a calm yet desperate statement with a comprehensive meaning. But in its exact meaning, it was courtship. A plea for Yeowon to accept him. To accept those confessions. Taegang, after holding back for so long, was finally desperately clinging to him. Despite his characteristic dry tone, it came across very strongly to Yeowon. After all, he was the person who knew best what kind of person Taegang was.

“……”

“……”

In the inexplicable silence, their gazes intertwined, and Taegang’s face, gasping for breath, gradually drew closer. His nose brushed past him, bending at an angle. The moist breath approaching his lips, about to block even his breathing, felt like slow motion. 

At that moment, when he had forgotten even to breathe, Yeowon, with wide eyes as if waking from a dream, desperately turned his head away. “S-stop.”

His heart felt like it would burst. A heartbeat he had never felt before, and a tension that made his palms sweat for the first time, caused Yeowon to unconsciously push him away. It was an instinctive action born from fear that he might hear his heartbeat.

But the result was that he had pushed Taegang away. Taegang, who had been right in front of him, was now pushed far away by his touch. In the end, Yeowon had rejected his courtship, his confession, and his kiss.

A silence as if time had stopped crossed between them. Yeowon froze in his surprised and flustered posture as if he had been shot, while Taegang stood motionless after stepping back. Yeowon, feeling that his action might seem cold-hearted, opened his mouth first as if to explain.

“…No…”

As words and breaths were about to stutter out, a self-deprecating sigh escaped from his lips, as if he had expected this reaction.

“…Ha.”

Yeowon’s mouth closed as if it had frozen. Soon after, their gazes met from a distance.

“…I should have never even taken you and run away.” Taegang put his clothes back on, calming his emotions. Then he added in a composed voice, “…Even though I know it’s not possible, I keep getting my hopes up.”

His tone was detached, but he knew it wasn’t true. He had seen those eyes before. The hurt eyes from the festival day when he had chosen to say only hurtful things to him. An even more subdued gaze. Again. He had hurt him again. The man who wasn’t wounded by the severe beatings covering his body was being hurt and swayed by his words and actions.

The pounding of his  heart wouldn’t settle down.

Yeowon tossed and turned in bed, fiercely striking the area around his heart. The sensation from earlier wasn’t easily fading, enough to disturb his sleep.

‘…I like you.’ The moist voice that had touched his ear directly.

‘…Can’t you look at me, just once?’ The desperate plea that didn’t suit him.

Yeowon abruptly sat up and flung open the window. His whole body had become hot, unable to contain the heat. His voice had been calm, but he could feel his entire body wanting him. If he hadn’t avoided him at that moment, he might have been swept away and entangled with him again. What mattered was his own behavior. After firmly showing his determination to cut off everything with him by leaving home and quitting school, as Taegang had said, he had visibly wavered at a single confession.

Even as he felt the sea breeze coming into the room, the heat didn’t subside, and he finally realized the truth. That he had merely been taking out his anger on Taegang. That he actually liked Taegang too much—whether as a friend or whatever—but was just acting out of disappointment, anger, and resentment.

As for himself, that might be the case, but what about Taegang? Did he still like him even after hearing such harsh words? Did he have no pride? No, he should be second to none when it comes to pride.

“…After all the things I said to him.”

‘Don’t make me regret even being your friend.’

Yeowon had blamed Taegang several times for why he had gone so far, but he wondered if he himself had needed to go that far.

‘I thought if I slept with you a few times when you begged so much, I’d get over it and move on.’

Haah… damn.

‘What? Did you expect something just because we slept together a few times?’

Unable to shake off his regretful thoughts, Yeowon sighed heavily and turned his gaze toward the room where Taegang would be.

He was the one holding onto his pride in the end. Even though he knew he couldn’t simply pass by Taegang, he was pretending—pretending not to care, pretending it wasn’t in his heart, pretending to dislike him. He was doing everything cowardly. After blaming Taegang for being cowardly several times, he was the one doing the cowardly thing.

It wasn’t like him. If he didn’t like something, he’d say so; if he liked something, he’d say so. Why couldn’t he do that with Taegang, acting so unlike himself? After agonizing until late at night, Yeowon finally opened his door. He came out and headed to the door of the room where Taegang would be. Yes, he would just tell him everything honestly.

That he had been wavering since they first slept together. But his confession had felt confusing and resentful to him. That he had wanted something eternal, deeper than blood, rather than a relationship that would end easily and waver easily. That he was the one who was more obsessed with him than anyone else. That he was wrong, but he was wrong too.

That he couldn’t easily imagine them just dating like a normal couple. That he had been anxious because he couldn’t picture it well, and he had firmly believed that they were something more than friends, family, or lovers, and he had been anxious because it all seemed to be falling apart. That he still didn’t know exactly what was what, but what was clear was that he didn’t want to lose him. If that feeling was something other than friendship.

Me too.

Me too, you. Certainly.

Yeowon rehearsed inwardly the words that wouldn’t come out easily. Though he felt insanely embarrassed and couldn’t imagine facing him, he wanted to say it clearly. Just for now. Setting aside everything else, at this moment, he wanted to be as honest with him as he had been with him.

He swallowed nervously and knocked on the door. 

Knock, knock.

“…Hey, Taegang. Are you asleep…?”

At that moment, BANG!! 

A violent noise came from the entrance downstairs. Taegang’s door flung open, and he found himself face to face with him, stiff and alert.

“Ah… I, I had something to say…”

He had come to talk, but it clearly wasn’t the atmosphere for it.

“Search everything!”