BHB 66

“So you followed me all the way here?”

“…”

“Is your back hole itching?”

The words were nothing short of an insult. But Jeon Chaemin, though on the verge of tears, didn’t cry and was responding to this situation as if familiar with it. 

Yeowon had always felt their relationship was incomprehensible, but seeing this situation made it even more uncertain. However, even without figuring anything out, he could tell his own mood was plummeting. Those two were certainly not over. They had mixed bodies, were accustomed to having conversations with such implications… and Jeon Chaemin indeed still liked Lee Taegang.

Yeowon pressed his temples as his mind became complicated, but he didn’t take his eyes off them. He couldn’t hear the subsequent conversation due to the suddenly increased store music, but abruptly Taegang furrowed his brow and, grabbing Chaemin’s arm, burst into the bathroom. 

Yeowon consciously stopped his feet that were unconsciously moving to follow them.

What would he do if he went in?

It was clear that even if he went in, the situation would be exactly the same as what he saw at school that time. He unconsciously believed this and wanted to avoid it. Witnessing a situation identical to that time. Yeowon left the place, pretending to be flustered and backing away.

It wasn’t unexpected. He thought the two would have their own situation, and knowing this, he wanted to avoid being with them together. Moreover, just because he was continuing such a relationship with Taegang, he didn’t think Taegang wouldn’t meet Chaemin. After all, Taegang probably just wanted to maintain a casual physical relationship, and there were no tender feelings in those acts.

But what shocked him was that he could sense the narrative of those two, which he had only carelessly anticipated, in that brief conversation.

Their exclusive relationship, circumstances. It was somewhat impactful to confirm with his own ears and eyes that there definitely existed something between just the two of them, something he was thoroughly excluded from and could never know.

Yeowon, who had difficulty returning to his seat, hastily left saying he would go first. He heard the guys left at the table shouting something and trying to hold him back, but he had no time to think.

He hurriedly went out to the main street and caught a taxi. His breath came out roughly. Confusion violently struck Yeowon, but this emotion wasn’t simply from disappointment like before. Knowing this made him even more confused. 

‘Why like this, what is this… this dirty feeling.’ 

Dozens of unnamed unpleasant feelings clung to his entire body and wouldn’t fall off.

Yeowon shifted his gaze to the window, trying to forcibly shake off his thoughts. He needed to find the cause, but the thoughts themselves felt like they were eating away at him.

Why on earth was he feeling this dirty? He knew those two maintained a physical relationship. Why?

Had he been unconsciously trusting Taegang? That at least while maintaining this relationship with him, Taegang naturally wouldn’t meet others. Was it the shock from unconsciously trusting that guy? But he had known Taegang had moral flaws since he asked for such a thing from him. There was no way he would feel this emotion just because he slept with someone else.

It was an uneasy feeling he had never experienced before. It wasn’t that he was angry. Rather, it was closer to a sinking… bitterness.

All objects quickly disappeared from view. Things he couldn’t tell if they were people or trees, buildings or lights, moved quickly, appearing and disappearing from his sight. Yeowon quietly stroked his face while silently watching the endlessly continuing scenes.

In fact, he was troubled because he knew. This emotion, this shitty feeling couldn’t be specified as one thing. But one thing for sure was that he was disappointed…in Lee Taegang.

Why?

Why did he have to keep feeling this way? 

It was the same dirty feeling he experienced when he saw Lee Taegang and Jeon Chaemin having sex in the lecture hall. But if there was a difference, back then he was mostly shocked, while now he felt more anger towards Taegang. The anger he felt towards Taegang confused him. At his own behavior, as if he was jealous.

Jealousy? The great Han Yeowon?

Pathetically jealous. It was an emotion he had never felt in his life. It was also one of the reasons his girlfriends had dumped him before. Because he didn’t feel a sense of crisis, didn’t get jealous, and wasn’t interested even when his lover was with someone else. There was no reason to feel jealousy. Even if it seemed arrogant, Han Yeowon had never experienced such a petty emotion because he had nothing to regret.

The feeling of unpleasantness lurking in a corner of his heart. Han Yeowon couldn’t calm his distress. Jealousy? As if, as if… as if he liked Taegang, jealousy? 

Taegang is a friend. To be more specific, an indispensable friend. A presence that would be very difficult without… That’s why he was even acting as an absurd friends-with-benefits. It should just stop there.

But he couldn’t easily understand why whenever he saw those two, his insides twisted and at the same time he wanted to run away. Isn’t this kind of jealousy based on possessiveness, and isn’t that possessiveness an emotion that can only come out when you have a particularly special feeling for the other person?

Yeowon covered his forehead, letting out a hollow laugh as if he had gone mad. At the eerie laughter that suddenly burst out, the taxi driver who had been quietly driving glanced at Yeowon through the rearview mirror. But he didn’t mind the glancing gaze and burst into laughter, chewing on the curse word “fuck.”

**

Yeowon, in a state of exhaustion, sat at a convenience store table near his house and opened a bottle of cheap soju. Without even pouring it into a glass, he gulped it down while his legs shook. Not knowing where to start or how to proceed with his stupid mind, he just mindlessly poured in alcohol.

If Lee Taegang found out that he was thinking like this, what kind of face would he make? Would he sneer as if it’s absurd, brush it off saying not to make a fuss, or would he reproach him as if it’s nonsense? Han Yeowon couldn’t predict at all. He had always prided himself on knowing him the best, but now he had become the most unknowable guy.

Why? Why now, when he hadn’t been affected at all by Taegang dating and meeting girlfriends before? If Taegang hadn’t slept with a man, would he never have felt this emotion? Or has this strange obsession of treating Taegang like a family grown and grown to reach this point? Either way, it was equally shocking.

Could it be that he li-, lik… Unable to think further than that, Yeowon gulped down more alcohol.

Come to think of it, how was it when Taegang had a girlfriend? After emptying more than half a bottle of alcohol, Yeowon called Kim Myungjoo with an irritated face. Perhaps due to the alcohol he had been drinking since dinner, he was gradually getting drunk, but without realizing it, he pressed Kim Myungjoo’s number, whom he had just parted with.

— Ah, Han Yeowon, do you want to die?

Ignoring the angry voice that burst out as soon as he answered, Yeowon took a deep breath and asked quietly.

— No, you said we’d drink until dawn and then you run away…

“Hey.”

— Ah, fuck. Hey, you’re not listening to me!

“Hey Kim Myungjoo, fuck… listen to me for a bit.”

— What, why does your voice sound like that? Are you drunk?

Yeowon was trying to muster up the courage to ask, but the other person wasn’t noticing his intention at all. “Just listen for a moment.”

— After you left, Taegang acted like a total asshole. Asking why we let you go. But it’s fucking funny. What’s there to not let go? I’ve been thinking since high school, that bastard really seems to have a screw loose somewhere.

“I said listen to me, you bastard.”

— Why are you lowering your voice like that? What is it, what? What have you been trying to say?

“You know… when Taegang had a girlfriend…”

— Well, what?

“At that time… how was I?”

Maybe because he was trying to consciously recall, Yeowon couldn’t remember well.

—What nonsense are you suddenly talking about?

‘That’s right. What nonsense am I talking about?’

While thinking this on one hand, Yeowon waited for an answer. The other person continued speaking immediately, making the wait seem pointless.

— How were you? Are you really asking because you don’t know?

“…”

— You were acting like a total jerk. Picking fights with kids from other schools for no reason, getting overly sensitive about trivial things. Honestly, when you were like that, you seemed like a fucking gay guy. Whenever Taegang got a girlfriend, you’d get all worked up wanting to date a girl too.

“… Do you want to die? Where do you get off talking such bullshit?”

— Hey, has it been 10 years since we graduated, or 20? Why can’t you remember that and why are you giving an innocent person a hard time?

“… I don’t know, you bastard.” Yeowon replied in a spiteful voice and immediately hang up the phone. The image of Kim Myungjoo yelling at the disconnected screen was vivid, but there was no time to worry about that. As he began to recognize it, images of his past self began to surface one by one.

The guy who had been so uninterested in the opposite sex that it was worrying suddenly started dating. The starting point is hazy in his memory, but it must have been some time after entering high school. After Taegang attended a regular social gathering hosted by his family. The day he went to a drinking party in his place to somehow get him to that gathering. He only remembered getting heavily drunk that day. Although it’s a bit fuzzy, he did briefly meet Taegang in front of his house, but nothing special happened.