BHB 92

“…”

Taegang just stared straight ahead while driving, increasing his speed as if taking his anger out on the innocent road.

“I asked if there’s anything else I don’t know.” Yeowon asked firmly. 

When there was still no answer, he leaned toward the driver’s seat and forcibly grabbed the steering wheel, turning it. Taegang slammed on the brakes with a startled face, and the sound of tires scraping against asphalt rang out eerily.

“What are you doing!” Taegang exploded with anger at the situation that could have resulted in an accident. 

But Yeowon didn’t care and stared directly at him, “Why did you do it?”

It was a follow-up to his previous question. He asked Taegang without any hint of backing down.

“Answer me.”

“…”

“Why did you do something like that? What reason did you have to go that far with him?”

“…”

“Why did you used money to remove him from my sight?”

“…”

“… Why are you so angry about all this?”

Everything was full of questions and bewilderment. And the answers kept leading to something that made no sense. Even though Yeowon thought it couldn’t be true, all these questions seemed to have one answer. Suddenly, Yeowon remembered the day Taegang first kissed him. The image of his face as he forcibly kissed him and touched his body, as if he might explode at any moment, inadvertently flashed before Yeowon’s eyes. The reason behind those intensely hot eyes that couldn’t contain their impatience, urgency, and excitement—now everything seemed to fit together.

Yeowon didn’t think it was true, it couldn’t be, but why did it keep…

“You couldn’t possibly…” Yeowon forced out the words with occasional hollow laughter, as if asking something ridiculous, “Could it be… you like me?”

Yeowon knows the meaning of “like” can be many things. He also likes Taegang. He could proudly say there’s probably no one he likes more than Taegang. But what he meant now was different.

Taegang was silent for a moment at his difficult question. Then, with a self-deprecating sigh, he leaned back in the driver’s seat and turned his head. “… Why?”

“…”

“Is that not allowed?” He spat out those words as if resigned. His voice was self-deprecating, as if he had endured until he couldn’t anymore and had now given up.

“If I…”

“…”

“Like you, is that not allowed?” His repeated question felt both angry and trembling. 

But Yeowon was frozen as if he’d been struck. He was floundering at the answer he never expected to hear, as if he couldn’t see or hear anything.

“… That doesn’t make sense.”

Even though he had asked the question himself, the impact he felt was too great. Stuttering in confusion, he grabbed onto the window ledge.

As if he had fully anticipated this answer and reaction, Taegang let out a low, deflated laugh. “What’s not allowed? Fuck…”

As he muttered with an incredulous laugh, Yeowon furrowed his brow and asked again, “Since when exactly…?”

When Yeowon asked with a face close to shock, Taegang ran his hand through his hair, exhaling a breath full of irritation. He seemed to have expected Yeowon’s reaction, but actually seeing it seemed to make him angry.

As he delayed his answer, Yeowon pressed him again, “I asked you, since when?”

“What exactly do you want to know?” Taegang snapped back at his irritated questioning. He added furiously, as if he was the one who was angry, “From when I had wet dreams about you? Or from when my dick stood up wanting to fuck you every time I saw you?”

“… Stop the bullshit. Really… bullshit… fuck…”

“Just seeing you sleeping next to me made me want to do it so fucking badly.”

Yeowon regretted asking, which seemed to be exactly what Taegang wanted as he spoke without restraint. His words were so honest and explicit that they couldn’t be taken back.

“I wanted to force myself on you so badly. Oh, and there was that time too. When I masturbated looking at your sleeping face.”

“…”

“Fuck, I nearly died trying to hold myself back every time.”

It was a vulgar, crude confession. Taegang even let out a sigh full of regret, as if reminiscing about how he had nearly died. Yeowon was frozen, unable to laugh or get angry at the absurdity. Each of his words struck him hard. 

Struggling with the shock, unable to react, Yeowon finally managed to find his voice, “… Stop joking. I think you’re just saying this because you’re angry…”

“Then why ask something you can’t handle?”

“…”

“When I’ve been holding back like I was dying.” Taegang responded calmly, as if he had anticipated all Yeowon’s reactions. 

Though his jaw was tense from clenching his teeth in anger, Taegang smiled crookedly. Then he nervously pressed the accelerator again and started driving. It was a crazy speed, as if he wanted them both to die together, but Yeowon couldn’t say anything.

Taegang was right.

Yeowon shouldn’t have asked something he couldn’t handle. Intense regret washed over him like a wave.

“Get out.”

After turning off the engine, Taegang gave Yeowon a short command. But he was still in shock, blinking with a dazed expression as if Ihe hadn’t heard anything.

They didn’t exchange any words the entire way back. They arrived home in a tense atmosphere where not even their breathing could be heard. Taegang, who had dropped this huge bomb, was surprisingly composed. 

Even though Yeowon couldn’t understand his attitude, he tried to maintain his composure and forced himself to speak, “… Has it been since high school?”

As he asked with difficulty after taking a deep breath, Taegang seemed reluctant to answer but replied relatively compliantly, “That’s when I realized it.”

“… You mean it started before that?”

“Something like that.” Taegang tapped the steering wheel, staring straight ahead. 

At his answer, Yeowon thought for a moment and then burst into hollow laughter. He suddenly started laughing as if it was absurd and playfully refuted, “Come on. That doesn’t make sense.”

Yeowon laughed, deliberately making big gestures as if it couldn’t possibly be true. Then Taegang’s expressionless gaze, without a hint of humor, pierced his face. Like a cold response asking what was so funny.

“I mean, you had so many girlfriends in high school.”

“…”

“You dated older girls, you were great at relationships—”

Yeowon began recounting past events, trying to change the mood with an awkward smile that made his lips tremble. But no matter how he thought about it, it was true. Taegang had dated countless women, had many flirtations, and frequently been in relationships—making it impossible for him to have liked him since before high school. The story didn’t add up. Yeowon thinks that it  was clearly something he said to mess with himself because he was angry.

“You were always dating women, and Kim Myungjoo was so envious. Even in college, right? You dated that teaching assistant, and that freshman girl… right?”

“…”

“You dated as casually as eating meals. What are you saying? You were just angry earlier, right? Because I was acting on my own.”

“Think whatever the fuck you want.” Taegang replied quietly, neither excited nor angry at Yeowon’s denial. He was accepting it calmly and familiarly, as if he had expected it.

“What do you mean, ‘think whatever I want’? I’m right.”

Yeowon gradually erased his smiling face and responded with a stiff voice. His wandering eyes, still unable to accept it, slowly hardened. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt. The way he confessed, and how Taegang had lived a life completely opposite to his words made him increasingly stubborn. He was right.

“Who would believe it? After fooling around like that, who would believe you’ve liked me all this time?”

“So because I’ve been around like a slut, you can’t believe it?”

“It doesn’t make sense. Besides, until recently, you were fooling around with Jeon Chaemin, that sunbae.”

“…”

“I saw you two having sex and everything. And with that background, what? You’ve liked me all along?”

“…”

“Stop this nonsense. You’re just being an asshole. You’re angry because I decided to end things, so you’re trying to mess with me.”

“Ha.” Taegang dropped a sneer as if he found it genuinely amusing, “Me liking you…”

“…”

“Is that me messing with you?” He asked, staring straight at Yeowon with eyes devoid of mockery or playfulness, as if genuinely curious. 

Yeowon was momentarily speechless at the deep eyes that partly revealed his hurt. He needed to say something, but it felt like iron bars were stuck in his throat, choking him. At the same time, he suddenly wondered if he had made a mistake. But not knowing what was right, he painfully frowned.

“…”

Yeowon lost his words, unable to forcefully push his opinion any further. When he couldn’t provide an answer, Taegang continued indifferently, rubbing his face as if tired.

“I’m sorry. That a dirty bastard like me likes you.”

“…”

“But, you know… just because I like you doesn’t mean I had to stay chaste.” Taegang just gave a bitter smile and got out of the driver’s seat. 

After hesitating, Yeowon was struck by his last words, and then let out a hollow laugh. Drawing strength from his own thoughts, he also flung open the door and followed him.

“That’s not normal. People don’t date and sleep with others when they have someone they like.” Despite persistently refuting as he followed him, Taegang didn’t respond and just kept walking. 

Yeowon stuck close behind him and continued speaking stubbornly, “You probably just got confused because we’ve been together so long.”

Like him right now. Like that kind of side effect that just passes by.

“That’s why you were able to see other people.”

Taegang ignored him as if there was no need to respond. But even until they reached the front of their house, he didn’t close his mouth.