BHB 97

“…I’m sorry about what Lee Taegang did.”

Using money to persuade, threaten, and bestow charity might be familiar, amusing, and easy for the privileged or wealthy, but as Baek Seungha said, giving money to someone truly struggling might actually shake their very foundation. Of course, Yeowon haven’t experienced that situation himself, but having lived knowing what human decency is, he clearly understood that what Lee Taegang did was wrong.

“Why are you apologizing?” Baek Seungha, who had been flustered, responded in a low voice with an even more subdued expression to Yeowon’s words.

“You said it back then, hyung.” Yeowon continued, recalling the memory, “If you explained the unavoidable reason why you suddenly disappeared.”

“…”

“You asked if I could like you again like before.”

It suddenly came back to him last night. The question Baek Seungha had asked him when he no longer had any feelings for him, as if he had become callous. It was a question he had been curious about for a moment but had completely forgotten.

“Is that what you were talking about?”

“…I didn’t particularly bring it up to talk about that.”

“…”

“Just seeing you kept making me think of it.”

“…”

“How you used to like me back then. At the time, I just found it cute, but later, I missed it a bit.”

“…”

“As I’ve lived, that affection you had for me… sometimes it gave me strength in my shitty life.”

The words felt somewhat tender. They were tender and somehow evoked sympathy, but Yeowon just looked embarrassed. While he was sorry, his suppressed feelings suddenly burst out.

“Then you should have asked me for it instead.”

He understood that Lee Taegang had forced someone using unethical methods, but on the other hand, he kept thinking: Baek Seungha. The senior he had so respected and liked had essentially abandoned him for money. Accepting Lee Taegang’s conditions meant agreeing not to see him in exchange for money, didn’t it? Even if it was unavoidable, there were actually more choices.

“I could have given you that money too.”

Not knowing this, he had searched for that senior for nearly a year, worried about him, and missed him.

“I told you. From you…”

Baek Seungha couldn’t spit out the complete sentence and bit his lip deeply. His jaw tensed as if he were gritting his teeth.

“Why couldn’t it be from me? It would have been better if I had given you that money. I was the one who was close to you.”

He felt a sense of déjà vu, as if they had discussed something similar before. The reason he couldn’t tell him even if something major happened, the reason he didn’t want to let him know even if it meant cutting him off. But Yeowon couldn’t understand at all, and the suppressed anger suddenly surged.

“I’m right, aren’t I? If someone had to give it, it should have been me, not Lee Taegang…”

The forgotten sense of betrayal seemed to crawl up like a worm again. He felt choked up because of the choices and life of Baek Seungha, who had accepted the ridiculous condition not to appear before him anymore, received money from Lee Taegang, acquiesced to it, and disappeared to some unknown neighborhood until now.

“I was embarrassed.”

“Ha. We’ve talked about this before. That doesn’t work anymore.”

The claim that it was just for his pride didn’t work. It seemed like a ridiculous excuse that he chose to throw away his own life and even abandon him because he was embarrassed? But in Baek Seungha’s gaze, there was neither the abject look of someone making excuses nor the shrinking feeling of trying to avoid something. Only bitterness lingered at the corners of his mouth. But regardless, it was still incomprehensible.

“I guess it was easier for you to live without seeing me than to accept money from me.”

Although he knew the wrongdoing lay with Lee Taegang, Yeowon couldn’t understand Baek Seungha’s choice, and because of that, the sense of betrayal hit him even harder. He had truly respected him as his senior and genuinely liked him as a person. The more he thought about it, the more stifled he felt, and Yeowon ran his hand through his hair, exhaling deeply.

“Yes. That was better.” At that moment, Baek Seungha, who had been silent, quietly opened his mouth, “Rather than becoming a fucking parasite clinging to you, it was better not to see you.”

He spoke softly with a composed face, showing neither anger nor resentment nor any other emotion.

“Ha. I’ve been wondering, do I look like that kind of person to you? Do I seem like someone who would view you that way?”

“Eventually, you would have thought that way.”

“Ah, seriously…” Yeowon let out a hollow breath with a face that was beyond dejected, almost vacant, and could only respond with a scoffing laugh. “I really misjudged you.”

While staring at Baek Seungha with his characteristically insolent gaze, Baek Seungha, still without any change in his expression, again brought up the same words as before, “It was better not to see you.”

“Yes. Now that I understand—.”

“Because whenever I saw you, I kept feeling greedy.”

Just as Yeowon’s brow furrowed as much as possible, meaning for him to stop, Baek Seungha formed a faint smile. “Why couldn’t I have lived a better life?”

At the voice that somehow conveyed regret, Yeowon momentarily lost his words and just quietly gazed at Baek Seungha standing before him.

“Why was I born in such a pathetic household?”

With each sigh-mixed word, Yeowon quietly remained silent.

“I had never thought like that in my life before.”

“…”

“But whenever I saw you, those thoughts kept coming to me.”

“…”

“I ran away because I kept wanting to become a better man.”

It was a deep and intense inner thought that made his anger from earlier seem embarrassing. At the unexpected statement, Yeowon hesitated for a moment, his lips moving slightly.

“It’s not that I thought you were that kind of person, but that I was afraid of overstepping my boundaries.”

“What are you saying right now?”

These were words difficult to grasp at face value. No matter how much he thought about it, Yeowon’s simple thought process couldn’t comprehend why that was considered greed or why he thought he was overstepping boundaries, so he looked at him with a dumbfounded face. Looking down at that foolish face, Baek Seungha let out a deflated laugh and playfully tousled Yeowon’s hair.

“Ah, stop it.”

It was hair that he had styled with some effort, but the other rubbed it thoroughly like in high school days, in a playful or affectionate gesture.

“I’m sorry.” And then another unexpected statement landed. “For not being as cool a senior as you thought.”

Just as Yeowon was about to brusquely avoid his touch, he paused at Baek Seungha’s continuing words. His hand also stopped.

“I’m sorry for disappearing so cowardly.”

No matter how stupid he was, he could tell that each of those words was filled with sincerity. Yeowon suddenly felt his eyes grow hot. His actions, offering an apology to him despite what had happened, his dignified voice, pierced deep into his solar plexus. He suddenly realized how difficult it must have been for him to say these things, and feeling that same regret himself, something welled up inside him. He covered his face, too embarrassed that he had childishly complained to such a person. Yes, this was the kind of person Baek Seungha was. Always an adult. The kind of person he could never be.

Yeowon left first without giving any answer, rubbing his face that he had been covering. He felt there was no reason for him to accept that apology. He was just an ignorant fool who knew nothing. He was just a kid who had no idea what thoughts his supposedly great senior had lived with, what circumstances he was in, and even after knowing everything, he had just childishly focused on his own feelings and felt betrayed.

Returning to his seat, Yeowon kept drinking. With emotions continually welling up, he suddenly slapped his own cheek to calm his rising feelings. He hated the sight of a man showing tears. His companions were surprised by his sudden action and asked why he was behaving that way, but Yeowon had nothing to say. Looking back on why things had become so complicated, he realized he wasn’t at the starting point. Because he had truly been a clueless fool. As Lee Taegang had said, he was just an idiot who really knew nothing.

When he came to his senses, he noticed that the surroundings had become a bit quieter. Yeowon, noticing that the once bustling atmosphere had subsided, just slightly opened his eyes while still slumped over the table, and saw one figure that looked like an uninvited guest who hadn’t been here before. As his blurry vision cleared, he realized that the uninvited guest was Lee Taegang.

“How much did you make him drink?”

The low, grinding voice was directed at Kim Myungjoo, who seemed a bit intoxicated. It appeared that as the place became less crowded, Kim Myungjoo had also joined the table. Do Youngjae and Jo Suchan were completely passed out on the table sofa. Bottles were rolling on the floor. 

Jin Youngchae was still sipping alcohol, welcoming Lee Taegang’s arrival. “Hey, come sit down if you’re here. Let’s have a drink together.”

“Get lost. Hand over Han Yeowon.”

“Ah, you bastard. You only care about Han Yeowon as soon as you arrive?”

As Jin Youngchae lamented like a tipsy old man, Lee Taegang didn’t respond and moved his body directly into the table area. Because the sofa was structured in a D-shape, it was difficult for someone of Lee Taegang’s build to enter easily.

The guy, who had been mercilessly pushing and thumping the college buddies passed out at the edge to make his way in, lifted Yeowon’s body carefully. It was a careful and gentle touch, as if he didn’t want to wake him up while he was sleeping. At such contrasting behavior, Yeowon felt a churning in his solar plexus and roughly pushed away the guy’s touch. He was confused. He had liked the guy, but also hated him. He was irritated. He was angry. He liked him but disliked him. He felt like he was going crazy.