LM 78

The sun set early due to winter. Kwon Siyul stayed out until dusk before heading back home. He sighed deeply, leaning his forehead against the front door and lingering there, sitting down. Only after the bodyguard cleared his throat to urge him on did he reluctantly enter the house.

The air inside was cool. Kwon Siyul started to turn on the boiler but hesitated and lowered his hand. He didn’t want to do it. Everything felt so bothersome to him right then. He just wanted to sit blankly, to sleep, and sometimes even opening his eyes irritated him. These days, he would linger in bed every morning regardless of whether Woo Hyunse left for work, only emerging from his room after hearing the front door close.

Kwon Siyul washed up hastily and returned to his room, lying down on the bed. Even under the covers, there was no warmth. Still, he stubbornly refused to turn on the boiler and curled up, where he was. Perhaps due to walking a lot after a long time, his eyelids felt heavy and his whole body seemed to sink into the bed.

He dozed off briefly but opened his groggy eyes to a familiar noise. The sound of the front door opening was heavy. Although he knew Woo Hyunse had seen his shoes and realized he was home, Kwon Siyul didn’t want to go out wagging his tail like before. He closed his eyes, pretending not to have heard anything. However, the presence of another person kept him from falling asleep.

As he tossed and turned, he flinched at the sound of his room door opening and quickly turned to face the wall. Although he had given up and was staying at Woo Hyunse’s house, he wanted to avoid encountering the homeowner as much as possible.

A shadow fell over his pillow. Woo Hyunse had been sighing more frequently lately. Was work difficult? Kwon Siyul didn’t understand why Woo Hyunse was sighing so heavily even though he had promised to stay quietly at home. Perhaps, on the contrary, it was because he was insensitively holed up in the house. He should have left on his own, but he had given up early and was rolling around like dust in someone else’s home.

Would his brow be furrowed? He used to press his fingers against the wrinkles to smooth them out. Even now, his fingertips tingled with the desire to do so.

One side of the bed sank heavily. Despite the obvious meaning behind Kwon Siyul turning his back, Woo Hyunse ignored the silent rebellion and reached out to brush Kwon Siyul’s hair. His hand was warm. On Kwon Siyul’s body, which had remained cool even buried under the blanket, warmth lingered only where Woo Hyunse’s hand had touched.

“Dinner?”

He asked as if he obviously knew Kwon Siyul was awake. All day, Kwon Siyul had only had one cup of vending machine coffee and a convenience store triangle kimbap. He had no appetite and didn’t want to eat at all, but forced himself to eat something for the sake of the bodyguard following him around, not wanting him to get into any trouble. Even then, he left more than half uneaten.

Kwon Siyul wished Woo Hyunse would think he was asleep and leave, but instead, he kept fiddling with Kwon Siyul’s hair and face. If he pushed the hand away, it would reveal he was awake, but if he didn’t, the persistent touch would continue to irritate him even more. Kwon Siyul squeezed his eyes shut before grabbing Woo Hyunse’s hand and pushing it away.

“I’m not hun—”

Before he could finish his sentence, his stomach growled loudly. Kwon Siyul clutched his stomach resentfully as if trying to silence the noise that had ruined the atmosphere. Despite his tight grip, it growled again spitefully. In the darkness, Kwon Siyul’s cheeks flushed red.

“Come out. I bought a packed meal.”

“I don’t want to eat. I’m really not hungry. My stomach is just making noise.”

“Don’t be stubborn.”

“I don’t want to…”

“Do I need to tie you up and feed you?”

Woo Hyunse was the type to follow through on his words. Kwon Siyul had learned this firsthand. Since he couldn’t possibly end up with his wrists tied to the bed and a spoon forced into his mouth, Kwon Siyul slowly got up. The air outside the blanket was much colder. He shivered, his shoulders trembling.

Woo Hyunse draped the blanket over Kwon Siyul. After wrapping him up snugly to the front, Woo Hyunse stood up. Telling Kwon Siyul to wait, he turned the boiler temperature up as high as it would go before leaving.

Woo Hyunse quickly returned with a tray in his hands. A large packed meal was placed on the round table. When he opened the lid, luxurious side dishes were neatly arranged in compartments. There was butter-grilled abalone, bulgogi with stir-fried shiitake mushrooms and carrots, rice mixed with black rice, seaweed soup filled with mussels, and the lower compartment was packed with seasonal fruits and sweet desserts.

It was a meal that could stimulate appetite both visually and by smell. However, Kwon Siyul stared blankly at the feast before him as if it were a display model. Although his stomach had growled, indicating he was indeed hungry, the sight of the glistening food didn’t stir his appetite.

“Can’t I not eat?”

It felt like he wouldn’t be able to digest it anyway. Kwon Siyul hesitated, keeping his hands inside the blanket. Woo Hyunse watched his petulance silently, then suddenly lifted Kwon Siyul, blanket and all, and sat him between his legs.

Woo Hyunse personally scooped rice and placed side dishes on top. As if feeding a picky child, he carefully brought a spoonful to Kwon Siyul’s mouth.

Remembering the threat of being tied up and force-fed, Kwon Siyul parted his lips. The rounded spoonful of rice entered his mouth. He chewed slowly, but it felt like grains of sand rolling on his tongue, making it difficult to swallow anything.

“You’re eating well.”

The tightly packed rice in the container slowly emptied. The side dishes diminished bit by bit. Kwon Siyul forced himself to chew and swallow the dry grains of rice.

If only he weren’t so kind.

If he had been cold, Kwon Siyul could have accepted it even if it made him sad.

If he had harshly pushed him away, Kwon Siyul could have cursed him and forgotten about it, even while crying.

Woo Hyunse’s body heat was warmer than the blanket. Like anyone who had only lived in cold places and then found a warm fire, Kwon Siyul didn’t want to leave this embrace.

Why wasn’t Woo Hyunse as heartless as his scent?

Why did he keep providing warmth to Kwon Siyul’s winter-like life?

His throat was choked up, but the spoon kept coming. Until all the rice was gone, Kwon Siyul didn’t move a finger. He sat obediently between Woo Hyunse’s legs, swallowing every spoonful fed to him. And with it, he swallowed his emotions.

In the end, he got indigestion. His face turned pale, and breathing became difficult. Only after clutching the toilet and vomiting did he feel better. Despite having force-fed him, Woo Hyunse showed no sign of remorse as he patted Kwon Siyul’s back firmly and even gave him a warm bath.

Exhausted, Kwon Siyul lay down on the bed. Woo Hyunse lay down with him, embracing him from behind. Instead of telling him to go away, Kwon Siyul wiggled his toes. The room was warm enough to be comfortable alone, but he didn’t want to lose Woo Hyunse’s body heat.

His feelings were truly conflicted. He didn’t want to be together, but he disliked separating even more. He didn’t know how to define these emotions.

Suddenly, he remembered the conversation he had with the bodyguard in the park. Kwon Siyul was facing the wall. Not looking at Woo Hyunse’s face gave him the courage to ask.

“…Your fiancée. What kind of person is she?”

Woo Hyunse’s fidgeting with Kwon Siyul’s hand stopped abruptly. He propped himself up slightly and looked down at Kwon Siyul. Kwon Siyul still kept his gaze fixed on the wall.

“Why do you ask?”

“I’m curious. Since you’re going to marry her…”

Woo Hyunse rested his head back on the pillow. He held Kwon Siyul closer and buried his lips in the nape of his neck. As he kissed his way up Kwon Siyul’s neckline, Kwon  Siyul twisted his shoulders. Unlike before, he didn’t laugh about it being ticklish.

“I don’t know.”

“But she’s the person you’re going to marry.”

“There’s no need to know.”

“You mean me?”

“Me either.”

“Isn’t that too much indifference toward your future wife?”

“Knowing her name and affiliation is enough.”

He seemed displeased with Kwon Siyul’s interest. Yet, Kwon Siyul couldn’t stop asking. He was curious about how Woo Hyunse saw that person. If there was even a slight affection.

“I heard she’s a lawyer.”

“Who told you that?”

“I overheard it. That she’s kind and good at her job.”

“…”

“And she’s beautiful, from what I can see.”

Woo Hyunse lifted his head again. He propped himself up on his elbow, resting his head in his hand. Kwon Siyul’s cheeks stung under his intense gaze.

“What is it that Kwon Siyul wants to hear?”

“I’m just curious, that’s all.”

Woo Hyunse made a thoughtful sound and tickled Kwon Siyul’s cheek with his fingertips. Kwon Siyul wanted to brush it away but endured, thinking it might lead to an answer.

“Name’s In Seohee. Lawyer at Yusong Law Firm and a Dominant Omega. She has a lover too and gave that lover an officetel as a wedding gift. We agreed not to interfere in each other’s private lives.”

He spoke as if describing a stranger he’d never even brushed sleeves with, not his fiancée. There wasn’t a trace of affection in his voice. Kwon Siyul felt another wave of self-contempt for feeling relief at this.

Even so, it didn’t change the fact that someone new would take a place by Woo Hyunse’s side, yet he clung to futile hope. At least Woo Hyunse didn’t seem to have any affection for that person.

“So don’t worry about it. You just stay here like you are now. In our home.”

Waiting for Woo Hyunse to return from work, wondering when Woo Hyunse, who had built a nest with his wife, would come home, warming the entrance like a dog. Still comforting himself with all the delusions a mistress might have, believing Woo Hyunse’s heart was his.

“Kwon Yuwon is still alive and well. It will end soon.”

Kwon Siyul, who had been facing the wall, turned his head for the first time. Woo Hyunse cupped Kwon Siyul’s cheek with his palm. He kissed Kwon Siyul’s lips but didn’t deepen the kiss.

“When?”

“Soon.”

He didn’t know the exact timing. But Kwon Siyul sensed that the end of this ridiculous farce was not far off. A faint smile started to emerge, but his lips twisted imperceptibly before returning to their original position.