LM 95

The barbecue restaurant closed at 2 a.m. Kwon Siyul took a late-night bus and sat in an empty seat. He meant to just close his eyes for just one moment, but he fell into a light sleep until the driver woke him at the last stop. Rubbing his eyes, he got off the bus.

From the bus stop, he walked up a slope and turned into a narrower alley to reach the inn where he was currently staying at. Kwon Siyul dragged his leaden body up the hill. Being early morning, the surroundings were quiet with little light escaping from the buildings. Even the streetlights were dim, making the road much darker than usual.

Now it was time to enter the alley. He walked along walls covered in crude graffiti and marks left by loan shark stickers that had been stuck and removed. In the pitch-black alley, only the old inn’s sign emitted a faint glowing light.

As he was walking in, Kwon Siyul suddenly stopped in his tracks. A large silhouette stood against the wall next to the inn.

The cigarette glowed a deep crimson before fading as the man removed it from his lips. Pale smoke followed, dissipating into the air. The familiar scent of cigarettes, the familiar body odor. It couldn’t be anyone else. Woo Hyunse made no attempt to hide the fact that he had come here.

Sleep vanished almost instantly. Kwon Siyul had never once thought that Woo Hyunse would be here, that he would come looking for him. He had dreamed of accidentally meeting or brushing past him, but it was just a dream, a vain hope in the end.

He might be seeing things due to fatigue. Kwon Siyul pressed his eyelids firmly and looked up again.

Woo Hyunse was still there. Upon spotting Kwon Siyul, he flicked his long-remaining cigarette into a nearby can. Kwon Siyul, as he had done with Woo Taeju, lowered his gaze to the ground and walked on. He wanted to pass by pretending not to know him. In his heart, he wanted to run down the hill and hide until Woo Hyunse disappeared, but he knew he’d be caught if he tried to flee now.

“Let’s talk.”

It was just before Kwon Siyul passed Woo Hyunse. He should have ignored him and continued on, but his feet stuck to the ground on their own accord, even though the other man hadn’t made any moves to touch him yet. 

“We have nothing to talk about.”

He kept the volume of his voice low in case others might overhear. The rusty iron gate creaked as he opened it. He just needed to slip his body through the opening.

“It won’t take long.”

There were many excuses to turn him down. He could claim to be tired, say he didn’t want to see him, or firmly push him away saying there was nothing to discuss. But none of these came out of Kwon Siyul’s mouth. Words that had risen to the tip of his tongue retreated when he inhaled the strong familiar scent.

“…What do you want to say?”

“Not here.”

“No. Just say it here. You said it won’t take long.”

Woo Hyunse looked down at him intently. Meeting his glance briefly, Woo Hyunse rubbed his chin and mouth with his large hand, trying to compose his expression.

The cigarette smell was stronger than before. The vague outline of his face in the light seemed sharper than before. Most noticeable of all was a long scratch on his cheekbone. It looked like something had scraped it, leaving a greenish bruise around it.

He had left it exposed without even putting a bandage on it. Kwon Siyul wanted to ask why he was hurt, and wanted to offer to treat it. But he swallowed the words along with his saliva. They were no longer close enough for him to ask or suggest such things comfortably.

Woo Hyunse didn’t speak immediately, letting the moment linger between them. Kwon Siyul simply stared at the ground, clutching his bag strap. He wished it would end quickly. It wasn’t just because he was tired. Woo Hyunse’s tangible presence and scent were overwhelming Kwon Siyul at that moment.

The inn’s sign light flickered. It felt like 10 minutes had passed. In reality, it was probably less than 1 or 2 minutes.

“If you have nothing to say…”

“―Move out.”

Just as Kwon Siyul, unable to wait any longer, began to speak, Woo Hyunse cut to the chase. Kwon Siyul, who had been avoiding eye contact, looked directly at him for the first time.

“What?”

“I said, move out.”

“Why?”

“I’ve found a place near the station. It’ll be more convenient for commuting than here.”

Although Kwon Siyul asked again clearly not understanding, Woo Hyunse continued speaking as if barely hearing Kwon Siyul’s response.

“I don’t want to.”

“Why? Even a semi-basement would be better than this place.”

“Where I live is no longer any of your concern, hyung…Mr. CEO. Don’t worry about it.”

“I’m just getting you a room. I won’t bother you, Kwon Siyul. I won’t come visit either.”

“…”

“Just until you get settled.”

“Why? Why go that far?”

“…”

“There’s no need for that.”

They were over now. Woo Hyunse had said it was the last time with his own mouth, so he shouldn’t have come looking for him like this. Kwon Siyul doubts that the other man has any idea how much resolve he had to build up in order to tear himself away and leave.

There was no point in talking any further. He turned his body to go inside. If only he hadn’t heard that name uttered like a whisper to oneself.

“Kwon Yuwon.”

Kwon Siyul’s footsteps faltered. He had deliberately not informed Kwon Yuwon that he had left Woo Hyunse’s house, following the instruction to refrain from contact until it was safe. Perhaps he had partly trusted Woo Hyunse. Even if he left, he thought that as a responsible person, Woo Hyunse wouldn’t have abandoned Kwon Yuwon so quickly.

“Because you need a safe place to stay until things are wrapped up. No other reason.”

“But last time that person said it was safe now…”

“Not yet.”

If it were just him alone it wouldn’t matter, but with Kwon Yuwon involved, the situation changed. They could stay at an inn together, but for safety reasons, it was much better to go to the house Woo Hyunse had already prepared ahead of time.

On the other hand, he was also suspicious. He couldn’t understand at all why Woo Hyunse was being so good to him. The bar he used to work at was also run by Woo Hyunse’s ex-lover, so should he consider it a habit of the other man’s to look after and take care of past connections?

Or was he using Kwon Yuwon as an excuse to try and keep him around again?

He almost shook his head. That couldn’t be. Woo Hyunse wasn’t the type to casually say it was the last time, and he didn’t want to harbor such futile hope either.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Do you need time?”

He couldn’t stop the past from coming back from the mere mention of those words. The gently flowing river, the cool autumn breeze, the conversation they had shared sitting side by side. Kwon Siyul squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them as if to shake off the memories.

“Yes.”

He wanted to leave now. He felt so tired that he could collapse at any given moment. The physical exhaustion was secondary. Just standing on his own two feet next to Woo Hyunse was chipping away at his mind in huge chunks.

And then, seemingly with just his words, Woo Hyunse held Kwon Siyul back. Kwon Siyul turned around, gripping the iron door.

“Cut down to one job.”

How did he know about that? Maybe Woo Taeju had run and told him. Although he said he wouldn’t contact him, blood ties weren’t so easily severed, so his relationship with Woo Hyunse probably hadn’t been cut off so simply just like that.

“If you’re short on money, just say so. If it’s hard, I can—”

“I like the work I’m doing now. It’s not that hard, and it’s manageable.”

He swallowed the words that it wasn’t for the money. He didn’t want to reveal that whenever he was alone, Woo Hyunse came to mind, causing him to push his body to the limit so that he wouldn’t think about him.

“I’m going in.”

There was nothing left to hold onto now. Kwon Siyul crossed the threshold. He closed the iron door and went past the counter into the narrow corridor. The room at the end was where Kwon Siyul was staying.

Without passing through the cluttered corridor, Kwon Siyul stood there blankly. Though he was tired enough to faint, his ears were perked up, checking the situation outside. If there was even a faint smell of cigarette smoke, if it was mixed with even a hint of his scent, he wanted to breathe it in deeply.

But no scent came through. It was clean as if deliberately erased. Soon, the sound of footsteps came over the wall and into the corridor. The pace was steady, without any hesitation in leaving. Kwon Siyul didn’t move until that sound had completely disappeared.

Eventually, he entered the room. He carelessly threw his bag in the corner of the room and went into the bathroom. His face was reflected in the mirror. Thankfully, he hadn’t cried. His eyes weren’t tearing up, nor was the white of his eyes red. But his face looked to be one huge mess.

It looked like a balloon inflated to its limit as if it would pop if touched even slightly, or like dark swollen clouds about to pour down. Gaunt cheeks, hollow eyes. It wasn’t just a look created by fatigue.

“He said I looked good.”

He didn’t look like that at all. His chest felt tight and dull. He tapped the painful area with his palm and then looked back at the mirror. There were stains all over the mirror that wouldn’t erase no matter how hard he rubbed. Knowing they wouldn’t come off, he still wiped them unnecessarily with his sleeve cuff. It felt as if those stains were stuck to his face, eyes, and heart.

No matter how hard he wiped, the stains remained in place. Kwon Siyul gave up the futile effort and lowered his arm. He crouched down and turned on the water. Water flowed into the basin.

Droplets like rain fell onto it with a plop. With the excuse that it was because the bathroom was small and quickly filled with moisture—that it was water droplets forming on the ceiling and falling down, Kwon Siyul rubbed his eyes as if it was the mirror he was wiping just moments ago. But still, the stains wouldn’t erase no matter how hard he tried.