TIN 34

“…”

The hair on my head stood on end. It was because the monotone voice had hit the mark. It seemed that Joo Do-hwa noticed that my body had stiffened underneath his touch, as he firmly pressed his forehead against my shoulder.

“I told you not to look at me like that…”

Of course, the shoulder would be stronger than the forehead. The problem was that a sense of oppression came from even his small cat-like movements. But it seemed that Joo Do-hwa had no intention of threatening me, as he calmly added, 

“I know I look like a crazy person.”

“…”

I’m sorry… I didn’t have that kind of thought this time.

To others, it might seem like a crazy idea, but to me, it didn’t seem that way. After all, the body was not mine, and Joo Do-hwa had realized that fact. The problem was how he knew about it.

“The build was similar. They said the dental examination results showed the same age range. And he was even wearing the same clothes as my brother, so Father must have thought it was my brother.”

To have dressed it up in the same clothes—at this point, it could no longer be attributed to accidentally finding a similar-aged child and mistaking him. It was clearly a planned fabrication, and the person responsible was likely Chairman Joo.

But what was he trying to achieve by going to such extreme measures? They had even fabricated a fake body but didn’t even try to find the real one. If Chairman Joo had taken action, I would have already been on the Sae Group’s radar, so he must not have made the attempt from the very beginning.

“But I know.”

“…”

“I can’t not know.”

The more he spoke, the more conflicted I started to feel. It wasn’t like he was mocking me for not knowing. It was because his mumbling voice, his hunched body, and even the way he gripped the blanket, all felt new to me.

“That wasn’t your brother.”

What am I to you that you would know that?

We had only been together for half a year, and we had parted even before the year changed. During the fleeting moments we spent together, I didn’t have any memories of treating the child well. It was the child who cared for my foolish behavior, and I was the one who abandoned that child and left.

For a long time afterward, no words were exchanged. The chilling temperature gradually warmed, and the tension in my shoulders relaxed, until Joo Do-hwa, who had been silent for a long time, crumbled into my embrace.

“…But what if it was real?”

The mumbling voice was so small that it would have been easy to miss. The gloomy tone that sounded like it was soaked in water seemed to grip my chest.

“What if, like everyone else says, I’m really crazy…”

“…”

“If it was really fake, what then?”

If I felt compassion for him, did that mean I was  crazy? Even though I knew this was a condescending attitude, at that moment I wanted to tell the child that the body was fake and that the real me was standing in front of them. That they weren’t crazy, they had simply locked onto the truth.

But I couldn’t say that. I had already brought up a similar story once and had my neck almost strangled. If I didn’t want the fading bruises to reappear, now was the time to keep my mouth shut.

“It’s been like that ever since that day.”

“…”

“I’ve been having dreams of drowning in the sea.”

Although the subject was missing, the meaning was clear as day. Joo Do-hwa must be seeing someone’s death in his dreams every day. That was why he couldn’t sleep and had come to this room to suffer.

I felt a twinge of sympathy for him. Dreaming of drowning in the sea—how romantic. To the people of this age, it would sound like a far-fetched story, like becoming stardust.

“I do too.”

Yes, I sometimes had similar dreams.

Joo Do-hwa dreams, and I dream.

“That’s surprising. You don’t look like the type to have dreams.”

Joo Do-hwa, who had been speaking softly until now, laughed again as if nothing had happened. I wondered if he even realized that he himself seems far from being like. He certainly didn’t look like the kind of person who would snuggle up and act cute.

“Comfort me, like when I was little.”

“…”

“…the way you used to.”

When did I ever comfort you?

Strictly speaking, it was Joo Do-hwa who would pat my back, not the other way around. He was the one who told me how to help when he couldn’t sleep. After that, for a while, whenever I couldn’t sleep, the child would comfort me by patting my back.

To be honest, the child’s actions were of no help at all. They were too clumsy to help me fall asleep, and more often than not, the child would fall asleep first. Of course, I would close my eyes feeling a little better after seeing the child’s sleeping face.

“…if you can’t sleep, stay in your room.”

I slowly opened my mouth and placed my hand on his back. As I lightly patted his broad back, he let out a small growl, similar to a cat’s purr.

“This isn’t even your room.”

If he stayed here, it would only remind him more. Though I couldn’t see clearly in the dark, a quick glance showed the furniture was still the same. Unavoidable nostalgia should be avoided, so why was he stubbornly staying here? Unless he had a masochistic tendency to confront the pain, this wasn’t the best choice all around.

“I can only sleep if I’m here.”

“But you can’t sleep, can you?”

“That’s…”

Joo Do-hwa trailed off and tightly hugged me. Just a moment ago, this kind of contact had been uncomfortable, but in that brief moment, it had become familiar, or rather, I had become numb to it.

“Because you weren’t here.”

The abruptly blurted words sounded rather poignant. Especially the use of the past tense, as if to say that now that I was here, it was all okay.

“It’s alright now.”

“…”

It was a bit pitiful, this feeling I had. Was it that my heart has softened, or was it that my conscience was pricked? The way he leaned on me completely looked like a fragile animal.

‘The kindness he shows you, that’s not for you.’

Was that what Lee Yuna meant? Even though I had only briefly stayed by his side, I felt a sense of self-importance, as if I was someone special. Without realizing that perhaps he had shown the same affection to the many others before me.

“Have you ever let anyone else comfort you?”

Seemingly sensing my thoughts, Joo Do-hwa turned his head toward me. The breath caressing my chin felt ticklish, like feathers.

“No.”

“I thought so.”

Was he implying that I was inexperienced at this? Joo Do-hwa smiled lightly and closed his eyes.

“Your brother couldn’t raise a child.”

Just one sentence, yet it felt so detached from reality. Perhaps it was because I had never even considered that aspect, or maybe it was because the speaker was Joo Do-hwa, or perhaps it was simply because it was such a peaceful topic.

“But it’s still amazing.”

“…”

“I think you’d be really good at it.”

As if to prove that those words were not false, his voice was heavy with drowsiness. The problem was that despite all of this, Joo Do-hwa continued to make casual small talk.

“Is your cold all better?”

“It’s almost gone.”

“And the fever?”

“I haven’t had one in a while.”

“What about the wound I made?”

“…that too.”

He was like a child reluctantly fighting off sleep. At times like these, he was no different from when he was little—rubbing his forehead, while giving out a rare gentle apology.

“I’m sorry about that day.”

“…”

“I got carried away.”

I glanced at him. His neatly closed eyes were visible under his smooth forehead. Unlike the trembling puppy look he had on from earlier, his face now looked serene as if he could fall asleep at any given moment.

“I won’t do it again.”

I know all too well how meaningless that promise was. I was just a replacement, and if I crossed him even a little, the same thing would happen again.

Yet, I still felt the urge to forgive him—perhaps the lingering cold had clouded my judgment.

“I’ll just sleep like this…”

“…”

“Even if I’m heavy, bear with it a little.”

There was no need to endure it. Joo Do-hwa had shifted his body at an angle so that his weight wouldn’t fully rest on me. In our current position, I was providing him an arm to rest on, and aside from the awkwardness, it wasn’t all that uncomfortable.

“…”

To my surprise, Joo Do-hwa quickly fell into a deep sleep. The quiet, steady breathing sounded immensely peaceful. The faintly sweet pheromone he had released had become familiar, even cozy.

“…no sense of caution.”

Had he always been like this? If I had a single malicious thought, I could probably even hurt him right now. Though I was constrained by his embrace, the fact was that he was in a completely vulnerable state.

‘Sleep well, hyung.’

I silently swallowed a sigh and slowly caressed his broad back. It wasn’t a particularly sentimental situation, but I couldn’t help but feel a sense of longing. Since leaving the child’s home, there hasn’t been a moment as peaceful as this.

However, this fleeting thought was quickly dispelled. The words Theo had said surfaced in the loosened corners of my mind.

‘Someone saw him on the outskirts of the city.’

I didn’t have the luxury to coddle this now fully grown child. I was pressed for time to achieve my goals, and if I lingered, I would only stagnate and rot. If there was nothing to gain here, it was better to quickly shake off and leave this place.

I should leave within a week.

I didn’t voice the self-imposed deadline out loud. Before nostalgia could take root any further, before I could get entangled, I planned on leaving this house. It would be best for both me and Joo Do-hwa.

With that thought, I closed my eyes.